Hello! I return from being MIA. So much has gone on since thanksgiving. It never seases to amaze me how time really does fly. We had thanksgiving at my SIL house and not to get sappy, I think for me, it was one of the most enjoyable. Nieces and nephews have grown and moved away were back for a visit. College kids were in. My kids were in hog heaven to see them all. There is nothing like a Wordeman party! Yes, I completed and survived Black Friday shopping with my friends Melissa and Colleen! We met at about 6:45 am and finished the evening by meeting our husbands and children for dinner and beers until 11 pm. I was fine until I sat down. :)
Sports have started for the older kids. Ellie, indoor soccer and another round of basketball with John coaching. Sarah, indoor soccer with John coaching, another round of basketball and volleyball at SGS. Henry is starting basketball but has yet to play because of snow days. There is the possibility of another snow day tomorrow and let me tell you, he is going to be madder than a wet cat if it is cancelled again. Let's just say, the kid is a little excited. Yes that is 6 sports for 3 kids and yes, we know we are crazy.
How am I feeling... Chemo #5 was better than the dreaded #4 I am happy to say. Again, not a walk in the park but like I have said, I am bouncing back to some sense of normality, so I shouldn't complain. My new side effects are so annoying my eyes and sometimes nose are CONSTANTLY watering! I am having to clutch at a Kleenex and wipe and dab at my runny eyes every 5 seconds! Drives me nuts! Trying so see anything without being blurred, is next to impossible. I am praying this goes away soon.also, the Doctor said today when I showed him the bruising of my nail beds that I will most likely lose my nails. Ugh... It's just a build up of the chemo toxicity. My biggest change has been bedtime. Like kids are in bed, 30 seconds later, I am in bed. I just hit a wall at night that I never have before. I was the queen of 1,2,3am nights and loved it. It was quiet, I had time for myself to read, scrapbook, putz of the computer. I loved it and right now, there is no way that could be regular routine.
I finished my #6 and LAST round of chemo today! It went very well, had a sweet nurse that was very efficient and got us in and out in record time. I didn't see Dr. W today due to scheduling but learned that the next steps will be a check up and labs in 6 weeks and then every 3 months for two years, then 4 months for 2 years etc. Honestly? On one hand, I am so happy and proud of no only myself but my friends and family who helped us get to this last one, there is no way we could have survived these last 6 months without all of you. Sometimes the blessing come fast and furious. So much so it's kind of like having the wind knocked out of you. Simple things, strangers coming up and understanding what I am up against. Asking my name so they can pray for me. 5,10,20+ year survivors telling me I WILL be ok! Hugs just because. It all sticks with you. Which is all of what is keeping me as sain as possible upon starting this new phase of my journey. It's scary to be finished with the chemo. This is were we will eventually get the answer if it "worked" reminds me of two things. One, like standing at the tippy edge of a high dive looking down into the water knowing you are going to jump. You don't really want to, but also know it will hopefully be a one time shot that you won't have to do again. Two, I correlate finishing chemo with right after you have a baby and on one hand, you are so proud of what you have accomplished in conceiving,growing and delivering this amazing miracle that God has entrusted you with and then you think? Seriously?! They are just letting me leave this hospital WITH him/her!? All by ourselves?! What the...!?!? What do we do now?!
So, here I am on my own (physically) ready to tackle this last round of side effects and yuck with all of the knowledge and grace I have gained through all of this, praying I will never have to do it again.
I also scheduled surgery for my new foobs or freasts (fake boobs or fake breasts). February 13. Onto the new adventure! Christmas is coming! I can't wait to be feeling better and to have some down time with the children. It is needed. I have a new bucket list for the new year that I am working on. It's incredible how this year has changed me I believe for the better. God sure has gotten my attention! :)
Friday, December 13, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Thanksgivings new meaning...
I find it a bit humorous that on one hand I definitely have "chemo brain" and am amazed I can find my way to the bathroom, yet so often, my brain is constantly shuffling through the many blessings I/we have been given this year alone. I know how around thanksgiving, people say that we really should dedicate more than one day to be "thankful" for all of our blessings... And I can honestly say not only do I agree, but could not go through a day beating cancer without my constantly changing, running list of things, people, strangers, friends, family, saying, humor, websites, children etc. that I am SO very thankful for. Besides prayer, it is the top "thing" that keeps me grounded and positive. I have said and truly believe, the blessings bestowed upon our family FAR outweigh having to fight cancer.
Chemo #5 has been tenfold better than #4- I am happy to say. No walk in the park, mind you but tolerable. We had a later appointment time last Friday and didn't leave until almost dark. It really threw my timing. I had such horrible restless legs this time that they gave me 2 doses of Ativan. Which also helped calm my nerves which were sky high. Yet again, Melissa and Bill took the kids and have them again as of last night. Just no words for their friendship and love. No words worthy for what they have done for us. I am in tears just typing. How do you ever repay or even thank friends that love and care for your children completely like they are their own (even though Margo gets away with murder there) when you can't? Not just once, but for MONTHS now. Yesterday, when we decided that yet again, Melissa would pick the kids up from school and take them for the night so I could really rest for thanksgiving and Black Friday (my favorite day of the year with Melissa) I was just so deeply sad. Sad that I haven't seen the kids really since last Thursday. They were gone for the weekend and then had school. I hate that I feel like I can't contribute to their care but at the same time, am SO thankful for those that are caring for them. It will get better! My last chemo is scheduled for December, Friday the 13th... As many of you know, I am a numbers girl and find this date SO fitting for my last chemo.
Last Monday was a busy day. What should have been my roughest day, turned out to be better than I could have imagined. My friend/ sister Jil flew in from Wisconsin for Thanksgiving with her Dad/ my adoptive dad... We don't have time to go into all of that. :) and drove from Columbus for the night to visit. AND the stars lined up perfectly that other friends and I were supposed to go to The Pioneer Woman book signing that night so Jil could go too! We both love PW and feel that we should totally be invited to The Ranch. My heart was filled with such happiness to be able to go and be with 3 of my closest friends and actually enjoy a night out so close to having chemo.
Chemo #5 has been tenfold better than #4- I am happy to say. No walk in the park, mind you but tolerable. We had a later appointment time last Friday and didn't leave until almost dark. It really threw my timing. I had such horrible restless legs this time that they gave me 2 doses of Ativan. Which also helped calm my nerves which were sky high. Yet again, Melissa and Bill took the kids and have them again as of last night. Just no words for their friendship and love. No words worthy for what they have done for us. I am in tears just typing. How do you ever repay or even thank friends that love and care for your children completely like they are their own (even though Margo gets away with murder there) when you can't? Not just once, but for MONTHS now. Yesterday, when we decided that yet again, Melissa would pick the kids up from school and take them for the night so I could really rest for thanksgiving and Black Friday (my favorite day of the year with Melissa) I was just so deeply sad. Sad that I haven't seen the kids really since last Thursday. They were gone for the weekend and then had school. I hate that I feel like I can't contribute to their care but at the same time, am SO thankful for those that are caring for them. It will get better! My last chemo is scheduled for December, Friday the 13th... As many of you know, I am a numbers girl and find this date SO fitting for my last chemo.
Last Monday was a busy day. What should have been my roughest day, turned out to be better than I could have imagined. My friend/ sister Jil flew in from Wisconsin for Thanksgiving with her Dad/ my adoptive dad... We don't have time to go into all of that. :) and drove from Columbus for the night to visit. AND the stars lined up perfectly that other friends and I were supposed to go to The Pioneer Woman book signing that night so Jil could go too! We both love PW and feel that we should totally be invited to The Ranch. My heart was filled with such happiness to be able to go and be with 3 of my closest friends and actually enjoy a night out so close to having chemo.
I wish you all the happiest of Thanksgivings. Make your list of "thankfuls "and try to add to it daily. I promise you will be amazed how filled your heart will become.
Smooches, Kate
Friday, November 22, 2013
Oh that power of prayer is amazing
Quick post as I am supposed to be getting ready for chemo #5 today. I will not lie, this is the first time I am nervous/scared. That last round was absolutely brutal and I am prepared to as Dr. W to throw every drug at me to help with the side effects. I am feeling pressure of many commitments next week that I SO want to be able to attend.
I can not express my gratitude for the prayers for our family and especially Henry. Since my last post, his attitude has been tenfold better and at least manageable! We went to see a specialist last night that helped Sarah at the beginning of this year and it was heartbreaking yet wonderful to see him interact with her. She is just a very special soul and just amazing at her job! He absolutely adored her. It broke my heart to hear him actually say that he is scared out loud because he doesn't want me to be sick, and that he thinks about it all the time and at school but at least he talked about it. I know we have a way to go but just putting a step forward in a positive way to help with the sadness and anger is huge. Thanks again! I don't know what John and I would do without this huge village supporting us! We are beyond thankful for all of you!
I can not express my gratitude for the prayers for our family and especially Henry. Since my last post, his attitude has been tenfold better and at least manageable! We went to see a specialist last night that helped Sarah at the beginning of this year and it was heartbreaking yet wonderful to see him interact with her. She is just a very special soul and just amazing at her job! He absolutely adored her. It broke my heart to hear him actually say that he is scared out loud because he doesn't want me to be sick, and that he thinks about it all the time and at school but at least he talked about it. I know we have a way to go but just putting a step forward in a positive way to help with the sadness and anger is huge. Thanks again! I don't know what John and I would do without this huge village supporting us! We are beyond thankful for all of you!
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Forgetting how to parent...
Sorry for the lack of updates! It's good to be busy, but the result is my bedtime is usually about 30 seconds after the kids are tucked in. I feel like our family life has been going like this... When it's good, it's really really good. But when it's bad, it's horrible. This is going to be an honest post that I just want documented not only for other mothers going through the same thing with littles but also so I can come back in months? Years? And remember that we survived.
I feel like I have forgotten how to actually parent. On one hand, I do feel guilty that the kids lives and schedules have been disrupted and their knowledge of sickness and cancer have increased tenfold. On the other, constant discipline that is needed at this time is absolutely and completely exhausting. And I feel like I am losing the battle so to speak. It's mainly little things that are adding up. Talking back, bickering, kids constantly "poking the bear" as we like to call it. The older girls have taken on the unnecessary role of mini-parenting Henry. As you can imagine, it bothers him and me! It is not necessary for them to know what color he got at school or did he eat all of his lunch or what homework he has.
Henry... He just needs some major prayers. He is having a very rough go at life right now- much to his own stubbornness. He is just angry. Mostly at me. The disrespectfullness and back talk and rudeness and stubbornness is at an all time high. I am fully aware that behind the anger is fear. Cancer sucks for everyone living it- not just for the person that has cancer. I am exhausted with fighting with him. I am sad that it is constant. I am sad that I have "caused" the extent of some or most of his anger. He has always been very successful at pushing my buttons, but he has promoted himself to CEO. He is going to start seeing someone to talk to and I just hope he can find an outlet other than his mother and family! Basketball should be starting for him soon also...
With all of this going on, I HAVE to put aside the guilt and stay strong on the discipline front. Plain and simple- we can't go for ice cream for everyone after only 1/2 have behaved. I need to be able to step outside of the cancer and stick to my guns. Ugh... Exhausting.
Chemo #5 is this Friday. I am really trying to be "Polly positive" really, I am. BUT man that last one did me in. I was just so sick and down for such a longer amount of time than with the others. Please pray this one goes better! I have thanksgiving and Black Friday to attend!
There have been blessings the last couple of weeks- I promise. Cards when I really needed them. Pretty fall trees and big,fun tailgate party. Margo's 4th birthday! Watching my children help each other. Even though it has been rougher than normal with them, just getting a glimpse of them peacefully sleeping or having fun, makes my heart hurt with my love for them.
I feel like I have forgotten how to actually parent. On one hand, I do feel guilty that the kids lives and schedules have been disrupted and their knowledge of sickness and cancer have increased tenfold. On the other, constant discipline that is needed at this time is absolutely and completely exhausting. And I feel like I am losing the battle so to speak. It's mainly little things that are adding up. Talking back, bickering, kids constantly "poking the bear" as we like to call it. The older girls have taken on the unnecessary role of mini-parenting Henry. As you can imagine, it bothers him and me! It is not necessary for them to know what color he got at school or did he eat all of his lunch or what homework he has.
Henry... He just needs some major prayers. He is having a very rough go at life right now- much to his own stubbornness. He is just angry. Mostly at me. The disrespectfullness and back talk and rudeness and stubbornness is at an all time high. I am fully aware that behind the anger is fear. Cancer sucks for everyone living it- not just for the person that has cancer. I am exhausted with fighting with him. I am sad that it is constant. I am sad that I have "caused" the extent of some or most of his anger. He has always been very successful at pushing my buttons, but he has promoted himself to CEO. He is going to start seeing someone to talk to and I just hope he can find an outlet other than his mother and family! Basketball should be starting for him soon also...
With all of this going on, I HAVE to put aside the guilt and stay strong on the discipline front. Plain and simple- we can't go for ice cream for everyone after only 1/2 have behaved. I need to be able to step outside of the cancer and stick to my guns. Ugh... Exhausting.
Chemo #5 is this Friday. I am really trying to be "Polly positive" really, I am. BUT man that last one did me in. I was just so sick and down for such a longer amount of time than with the others. Please pray this one goes better! I have thanksgiving and Black Friday to attend!
There have been blessings the last couple of weeks- I promise. Cards when I really needed them. Pretty fall trees and big,fun tailgate party. Margo's 4th birthday! Watching my children help each other. Even though it has been rougher than normal with them, just getting a glimpse of them peacefully sleeping or having fun, makes my heart hurt with my love for them.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Head thump...
I have been meaning to follow up from my last post but I have seriously been completely and utterly down and out until yesterday. Finally yesterday, I could function. Thinking ahead, I have been stressing about #5. Time wise, it would put me at feeling a bit better on Thanksgiving- IF I respond the same for the same amount of time. Then, I remember what happened after I wrote my last post. I felt so horrible and decided to read my Jesus Calling book. (Which I love beyond words!) This is what I read right after I posted...
What a wonderful reminder that I am NOT in charge here! God knows his plan for me and stressing about it only hurts myself and is really just a plain waste of energy. While I am typing this, I am also reminded of a talk with Fr. AJ after I was diagnosed and him telling me pretty much the exact same thing. While I am only human and am going to worry and am going stress about this roller coaster adventure I am on, reminders like the above are invaluable!
I am thankful for being able to see and appreciate the signs all around.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Crashing waves...
This has been one rough day. Since Fridays chemo I felt... The same as all of the others. Tired, gross taste in my mouth, headache,slightly nauseous. Then this morning came and it was brutal. My head is pounding and the waves of nausea just won't stop. Nothing's happening of course as I haven't eaten anything. New hot flashes and tingly fingers have been added. I called in reinforcements (thank you!) and kids have been swept away to play and taken home from school, homework completed and a friend has brought dinner. As I lay here, unable to sleep, I am so incredibly grateful. Melissa and our friend Kelly broke in Friday during chemo, cleaned our house (you.have.no.idea...) and fixed up my basement craft table... (again, you.really.have.no.idea!) Time to start the Christmas cards no? Melissa and Bill kept Margo since Halloween and Henry on Friday until yesterday! John has been from soccer tournaments and to basketball tournaments and work and doing the yard etc.
It really does take a village and for that I am so grateful for mine.
It really does take a village and for that I am so grateful for mine.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Let's talk about 6 baby...
Sorry I have been MIA.... I bounced back pretty well and have been out and about. Like to a total of 8 soccer games and 2 basketball last weekend. We have another tournament for soccer this weekend for Sarah and John and both Sarah and Ellie have basketball tournaments starting tonight! The fun never ends. Last weekend, Sarah/Johns team supported us with surprise breast cancer socks and pink ribbons in their hair! As with Ellie's basketball team I am just in awe at the compassion of not only the girls parents, but the girls themselves. The support and friendship from them for our girls and really, our entire family just brings me to tears. Love them!
I am sitting here having chemo. I am feeling so incredibly blessed sitting here among other cancer patients. As I am often telling the kids, you never know about a person when you have never walked in their shoes. Don't judge!
John and I had the big 4 or 6 discussion with Dr. W today. He has agreed with us that we can go for 6!!!!!! I keep laughing how pathetically happy I am with this decision but I honestly don't think I could ever forgive myself if God forbid, the cancer returns and I had only completed 4 rounds. There is just too high of a risk for triple negative cancer to return. Please pray for smooth sailing and uncomplicated rounds!
Last Saturday, we also had The Wordeman Fall Family picnic! SO fun to see many friends and family I haven't seen in a while. Yet another blessing- laughter really can be the best medicine!
I am sitting here having chemo. I am feeling so incredibly blessed sitting here among other cancer patients. As I am often telling the kids, you never know about a person when you have never walked in their shoes. Don't judge!
John and I had the big 4 or 6 discussion with Dr. W today. He has agreed with us that we can go for 6!!!!!! I keep laughing how pathetically happy I am with this decision but I honestly don't think I could ever forgive myself if God forbid, the cancer returns and I had only completed 4 rounds. There is just too high of a risk for triple negative cancer to return. Please pray for smooth sailing and uncomplicated rounds!
Last Saturday, we also had The Wordeman Fall Family picnic! SO fun to see many friends and family I haven't seen in a while. Yet another blessing- laughter really can be the best medicine!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Kindness, decisions and blessings
IF I have learned anything over the past 4 months (only 4?!) it is the unbelievable and amazing kindness people actually show towards one another. Especially our family. Cards, dinners, prayers, texts, quilts, flowers, gift cards, hugs, it is endless. One more delicious dessert, and I am going to have to buy bigger pants! Every time, I am immediately so humbled and amazed. We are truly not this deserving of so much love. I can only hope and pray that we are able to pay it all forward someday. I hope that my children see and understand and appreciate all of this love bestowed on us. It is such a learning experience that I selfishly never considered before my diagnosis.
I have been at such odds since the question of 4 or 6 rounds of chemo have come up. It has completely rocked Johns and my "plan" so to speak. We had this "goal" of keeping our heads above the water for 6 rounds. The questions for my oncologist keep mounting by the minute. I spoke to him briefly about my concerns last week when I was in for my allergic reaction but didn't have my side kick (JW) with me and kind of shut down during the brief discussion. I understand the facts. I just don't think I will ever forgive myself if I don't go the whole 6 rounds originally planned and I do have a reoccurrence. The fact that I am triple negative, giving me upped odds of reoccurrence within the first 3 years, makes me want to fight like crazy- even though the numbers show 4 could be "enough" and 6 could be only adding permanent toxicity. I am NOT just a number...
I am asking everyone to please pray for clarity and wisdom regarding this decision. And for the wisdom and grace to discuss it all with my oncologist next Friday before my 4th treatment.
We had such a fun time at the hockey game last Saturday! The girls happily completed their first 5k and have the medals to prove it! Thank you to the Simons Family for such a fantastic night! We were happy to see a win!
I have been at such odds since the question of 4 or 6 rounds of chemo have come up. It has completely rocked Johns and my "plan" so to speak. We had this "goal" of keeping our heads above the water for 6 rounds. The questions for my oncologist keep mounting by the minute. I spoke to him briefly about my concerns last week when I was in for my allergic reaction but didn't have my side kick (JW) with me and kind of shut down during the brief discussion. I understand the facts. I just don't think I will ever forgive myself if I don't go the whole 6 rounds originally planned and I do have a reoccurrence. The fact that I am triple negative, giving me upped odds of reoccurrence within the first 3 years, makes me want to fight like crazy- even though the numbers show 4 could be "enough" and 6 could be only adding permanent toxicity. I am NOT just a number...
I am asking everyone to please pray for clarity and wisdom regarding this decision. And for the wisdom and grace to discuss it all with my oncologist next Friday before my 4th treatment.
We had such a fun time at the hockey game last Saturday! The girls happily completed their first 5k and have the medals to prove it! Thank you to the Simons Family for such a fantastic night! We were happy to see a win!
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Trouble maker, luminaries and whatnot...
This is going to have to be quick as we have a very special night planned! We have become friends with a St. Gertrude family that just so happens the dad is the new head coach for the Cincinnati Cyclones hockey team! Today/tonight is their opening game and they have invited the whole family! Clearly, they do not know us very well. :) I can NOT tell you how excited the kids are to go! Which makes a guilty momma with breast cancer extra happy that we have been allowed this opportunity. Ellie and Sarah just left with the mom and her two girls to go and walk the Cyclones 5k breast cancer walk! Thank you Beth for taking them! I was THIS close to temporary insanity and so tempted to go and walk it with them, but after the week I have had, came to my senses.
My 3rd round wasn't so pretty (shocker?) I was very nauseous this time and made sure to set alarms to take my meds on time. Sunday was also our 13th anniversary... I spent it sleeping and John to soccer games. Not our favorite one but still are blessed to be married to each other!
The worst part besides just being run down was....
My allergic reaction to my one chemo med Taxotere a week after chemo! Ugh! Thursday, Margo and I went to the kids school mass and during my head started itching like crazy. By the time I got home, my head and ears had hives all over them! Then my knees and elbows! Then hands and feet were swelling. Ugh again. After conversations with my sister, my bestie nurse Liz (props to Liz for calling allergic reaction and not shingles) and the on call doc, I took a boat load
of Benadryl and the next morning, after the children's conferences, I busted over to the doctors for steroids and confirmation that it was an allergic reaction. It's actually not the chemo, but the Petroleum base they have to mix the chemo in. Ugh again. I am happy to say that the steroids are working, my rings are back on. And although still itchy, I am on the upswing.
The beginning of the week another surprise hit our front steps. Thank you Deb and Michele yet again for making us all smile and laugh. It was totally worth getting out of bed.
Henry, Margo and myself have started reading Charlotte's Web when we can all stay awake. John took this right after he woke me up. It's a good thing he didn't have to carry me upstairs to bed like he did with the other two!
My 3rd round wasn't so pretty (shocker?) I was very nauseous this time and made sure to set alarms to take my meds on time. Sunday was also our 13th anniversary... I spent it sleeping and John to soccer games. Not our favorite one but still are blessed to be married to each other!
The worst part besides just being run down was....
My allergic reaction to my one chemo med Taxotere a week after chemo! Ugh! Thursday, Margo and I went to the kids school mass and during my head started itching like crazy. By the time I got home, my head and ears had hives all over them! Then my knees and elbows! Then hands and feet were swelling. Ugh again. After conversations with my sister, my bestie nurse Liz (props to Liz for calling allergic reaction and not shingles) and the on call doc, I took a boat load
of Benadryl and the next morning, after the children's conferences, I busted over to the doctors for steroids and confirmation that it was an allergic reaction. It's actually not the chemo, but the Petroleum base they have to mix the chemo in. Ugh again. I am happy to say that the steroids are working, my rings are back on. And although still itchy, I am on the upswing.
The beginning of the week another surprise hit our front steps. Thank you Deb and Michele yet again for making us all smile and laugh. It was totally worth getting out of bed.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
So why doesn't my glass feel 1/2 full?
Before I get into my "troubles" I want to count my blessings.
* I am so blessed for friends working together to keep my children on as normal and fun of a schedule as possible. Thank you Amy and Ann for picking up Margo from school Thursday and taking her to play with your girls. She has not stopped talking about how much fun she had.
* A big blessing is my SIL Sue- she meets the kids from school on Thursday chemo days, takes them home, completes homework, snacks etc and then gets them ready for John to pick up for their many practices!
* Thank you again for my sweet bestie Melissa for yet again picking up all of my children and keeping them for the weekend and for schlepping them to games, birthday parties etc. but mostly for all of your love for them. Your friendship is truly one of my biggest blessings.
* For all of the text messages starting bright and early Thursday morning cheering me on this journey knowing that it is so mentally draining to yet again receive chemo knowing how I am going to feel afterwards but also knowing it just has to be done!
* To Michele for knowing that this round I needed just a bit more super power than just my underpants...
I seriously can't believe the "power" it gave me all through chemo. :) Although as I said in the text I sent, it got me into trouble a few times when people said " I like your shirt!" And my first reply was " thanks! You should see my underpants!"
* again for my special friends that quickly and quietly leave dinners and pumpkin bread and world famous homemade granola... Thank you
* for my biggest blessing- John who is my rock at all times even when I know he is tired and exhausted from working 14+ hours a day. Who will always tell me it's going to be ok. And makes sure I believe him.
* I am blessed for little things... For a neighbor that always texts me when she is out on errands to see if I need anything. For her girls that happily play after homework is finished with my kids. For another neighbor that I just see has pretty magnetic fall leaves and a wreath on her garage. She knows I sit out in my "office" (porch) a lot. I just saw them this morning just when the sun was coming up. The first smile of my day- truly a blessing having her as a neighbor for 12(!)years now.
* For new neighbors a couple houses down. Their friendship is a true blessing. The many, many beautifully sewn scarves, the happiness their therapy dog brings me with just a pet or the look of his gorgeous eyes. For the prayers they promise and that I feel.
So, chemo #3 down. It went very well. Things I am surprised about during chemo. Seeing many of the same patients every time. You kind of get to know them, nod your head and smile, say hello etc. For the "friendship" that is formed and the comfort of the nurses there. I am always so happy to have Jen be my CBC drawer. She makes me laugh and brings me comfort starting my chemo process. Another nurse that John and I both adore. She was my first nurse to draw blood from my port (perfectly and painlessly so I will never forget!) and is the nurse I have mostly had for chemo. Her compassion and smile are such a blessing. John and I are amazed how she remembers specifics about us- our children, our church, she remembered that she slowed the drip of the Cytoxan last time to see if it helped with the horrible headache I had the first round! It did and she did it again. Thank you Anita you have made a huge impact for me on this journey.
Now, for the curve ball. That I really don't know why it has thrown me for such a loop besides mentally I have a picture in my head how this whole cancer/chemo thing is going to be played out and it ends with happily ever after. And really it isn't even a given so I don't know why I am even allowing it to get to me. Thursdays chemo went well. We saw Dr. W., blood work looked good, I am a little anemic but nothing to be concerned about. When I told him that my symptoms were not as bad as my first round but that I just felt constantly exhausted. He said that is very normal, will get worse, take a walk every day and rest when I can. Gotcha, I can do that. He said I was 1/2 way done for treatment and happily corrected my math that I will be finished with my 6th round BEFORE Christmas!! Not the first of the year like I thought! Yeah!
Then Friday, I go in for my Neulasta injection and run into Dr. W. in the hallway. Here comes the curveball... He says hi, I say hi and then he says " I've been thinking, I think we are only going to give you 4 treatments instead of 6 but we can talk about it next time" I reply " that makes me really nervous..." And he said " well protocol states that 4 is ok and that 6 would just be adding toxicity into your body" and again reiterated that we could talk about it next time. So let's remember, he's not saying I am ONLY getting 4 treatments but that it will be discussed next time.
While I totally would love to only have 4 treatments, I have had 6 in my head to give me the " happily ever after" What IF after 4 there is even ONE tiny cancer cell? I just can't take that risk. I HAVE to do everything! I have to go above and beyond what protocol states just to be assured I have done everything possible. That is why I chose the double mastectomy. That is why I am going to choose to do 6!
Please pray for me. For clarity that I am seeing the not only the big picture but the correct one.
* I am so blessed for friends working together to keep my children on as normal and fun of a schedule as possible. Thank you Amy and Ann for picking up Margo from school Thursday and taking her to play with your girls. She has not stopped talking about how much fun she had.
* A big blessing is my SIL Sue- she meets the kids from school on Thursday chemo days, takes them home, completes homework, snacks etc and then gets them ready for John to pick up for their many practices!
* Thank you again for my sweet bestie Melissa for yet again picking up all of my children and keeping them for the weekend and for schlepping them to games, birthday parties etc. but mostly for all of your love for them. Your friendship is truly one of my biggest blessings.
* For all of the text messages starting bright and early Thursday morning cheering me on this journey knowing that it is so mentally draining to yet again receive chemo knowing how I am going to feel afterwards but also knowing it just has to be done!
* To Michele for knowing that this round I needed just a bit more super power than just my underpants...
* again for my special friends that quickly and quietly leave dinners and pumpkin bread and world famous homemade granola... Thank you
* for my biggest blessing- John who is my rock at all times even when I know he is tired and exhausted from working 14+ hours a day. Who will always tell me it's going to be ok. And makes sure I believe him.
* I am blessed for little things... For a neighbor that always texts me when she is out on errands to see if I need anything. For her girls that happily play after homework is finished with my kids. For another neighbor that I just see has pretty magnetic fall leaves and a wreath on her garage. She knows I sit out in my "office" (porch) a lot. I just saw them this morning just when the sun was coming up. The first smile of my day- truly a blessing having her as a neighbor for 12(!)years now.
* For new neighbors a couple houses down. Their friendship is a true blessing. The many, many beautifully sewn scarves, the happiness their therapy dog brings me with just a pet or the look of his gorgeous eyes. For the prayers they promise and that I feel.
So, chemo #3 down. It went very well. Things I am surprised about during chemo. Seeing many of the same patients every time. You kind of get to know them, nod your head and smile, say hello etc. For the "friendship" that is formed and the comfort of the nurses there. I am always so happy to have Jen be my CBC drawer. She makes me laugh and brings me comfort starting my chemo process. Another nurse that John and I both adore. She was my first nurse to draw blood from my port (perfectly and painlessly so I will never forget!) and is the nurse I have mostly had for chemo. Her compassion and smile are such a blessing. John and I are amazed how she remembers specifics about us- our children, our church, she remembered that she slowed the drip of the Cytoxan last time to see if it helped with the horrible headache I had the first round! It did and she did it again. Thank you Anita you have made a huge impact for me on this journey.
Now, for the curve ball. That I really don't know why it has thrown me for such a loop besides mentally I have a picture in my head how this whole cancer/chemo thing is going to be played out and it ends with happily ever after. And really it isn't even a given so I don't know why I am even allowing it to get to me. Thursdays chemo went well. We saw Dr. W., blood work looked good, I am a little anemic but nothing to be concerned about. When I told him that my symptoms were not as bad as my first round but that I just felt constantly exhausted. He said that is very normal, will get worse, take a walk every day and rest when I can. Gotcha, I can do that. He said I was 1/2 way done for treatment and happily corrected my math that I will be finished with my 6th round BEFORE Christmas!! Not the first of the year like I thought! Yeah!
Then Friday, I go in for my Neulasta injection and run into Dr. W. in the hallway. Here comes the curveball... He says hi, I say hi and then he says " I've been thinking, I think we are only going to give you 4 treatments instead of 6 but we can talk about it next time" I reply " that makes me really nervous..." And he said " well protocol states that 4 is ok and that 6 would just be adding toxicity into your body" and again reiterated that we could talk about it next time. So let's remember, he's not saying I am ONLY getting 4 treatments but that it will be discussed next time.
While I totally would love to only have 4 treatments, I have had 6 in my head to give me the " happily ever after" What IF after 4 there is even ONE tiny cancer cell? I just can't take that risk. I HAVE to do everything! I have to go above and beyond what protocol states just to be assured I have done everything possible. That is why I chose the double mastectomy. That is why I am going to choose to do 6!
Please pray for me. For clarity that I am seeing the not only the big picture but the correct one.
Friday, October 4, 2013
October!?
October... How did THAT happen?!
Let's catch up...
The wedding was such fun! Brittany was probably one of the most beautiful brides I have ever seen. The kids all did a wonderful job- handing out programs and walking down the isle as a flower girl and ring bearer. (The last one did cost us one Nerf gun...) The reception was just beautiful and it was so nice to see many people that I haven't seen and that have been praying for us. I love how friends of Johns siblings that watched him grow up are now our friends too. We again were reminded how very blessed we are.
"Dolly..." That's what I have named my wig. Not 100% sure why but needed a name for 'her' (I need to post the story of buying 'her.') Now, in my opinion, it's a wig. Plain and simple. It may look nice, but it it still a wig- on my head. I am still laughing at how many people told me that they could not tell it was a wig and not my real head of hairs. BAH I say... Granted, most of them were men saying this and the beers were flowing. :) but alas, "she" stayed on and behaved.
Let's catch up...
The wedding was such fun! Brittany was probably one of the most beautiful brides I have ever seen. The kids all did a wonderful job- handing out programs and walking down the isle as a flower girl and ring bearer. (The last one did cost us one Nerf gun...) The reception was just beautiful and it was so nice to see many people that I haven't seen and that have been praying for us. I love how friends of Johns siblings that watched him grow up are now our friends too. We again were reminded how very blessed we are.
"Dolly..." That's what I have named my wig. Not 100% sure why but needed a name for 'her' (I need to post the story of buying 'her.') Now, in my opinion, it's a wig. Plain and simple. It may look nice, but it it still a wig- on my head. I am still laughing at how many people told me that they could not tell it was a wig and not my real head of hairs. BAH I say... Granted, most of them were men saying this and the beers were flowing. :) but alas, "she" stayed on and behaved.
The reception was fun and memorable... For many reasons besides the usual good time. One is that unbeknownst to their parents, Ellie and Margo were stuck in the elevator for over 1/2 and hour and were saved by many firemen with crowbars after Ellie called 911 from the emergency phone. Well, she HAD called her mothers cell phone but come on! All of my children were with me so I had put my purse at the table not thinking I would need it for an emergency! In my defense, Sarah and I had been looking for them...
Also, as the evening progressed, I became aware of my children's love for dancing. Clearly, they get this from their father and his side of the family who were right out there with them. To say we all had a fantastic time is an understatement. I need to get some pictures of Henry who at one point had his tie tied around his head and was ending songs by sliding on his knees in perfect timing towards the band. I didn't even attempt to get pictures I was in such shock.
The next day, I felt like I was 110 years old. But it was worth every moment!
Sunday, was a big soccer game for Sarah and John (her coach) they were undefeated and played another very good undefeated team. Short story is they lost by 2 goals that got by Sarah in the 4th quarter. She deflected one that was just incredible but after the 2 got by her, she was still playing goalie and could not stop crying. She is an amazing soccer player and I love how sports is her "outlet" and she truly gives her all.
This week, I am feeling more "normal" but can't believe how tired I am. Just worn out tired. When I was changing our big family calendar, I could NOT believe it is almost time for another round of chemo. (10/10) it has really taken me much longer to recover from this round- just in time to start it again. I am not going to lie, it worries me how the rest of these rounds are going to go. I am not looking forward to them! Again, the timing of friends amazes me. Friends that make extra dinners and drop them off (saving me from cooking!) and sending cards and treats at just the right time when I am looking around at all of the stuff that needs to get done...
A friend gave me a blessing bracelet. It is beautiful and has brought such incredible comfort and help to me this past week. Yes, there is worry- my health, my children, John, money, bills, friends,the recent, unexpected death of a wonderful beloved teacher at SGS that has hit home with all of the kids, normal household junk, homework etc. but seriously, this ONE simple thought. This beautiful bracelet made and worn to be a reminder of the MANY numerous blessings that are constantly here and there, popping up just when I needed reminding has brought me through this last week. I feel horrible because I haven't even called to thank her or tell her what it has meant to me because I think all she will hear is my crying and squeaky voice telling her thank you. So, again, thank you Mary Ann. I promise I will thank you in person soon! :)
Friday, September 27, 2013
Fog Advisory Lifted...
Good morning...
I am happy to say that I think I have made the turn to feeling better. Wow, what a long, hard week in many ways. When I still felt horrible all day Wednesday, I started to panic a bit. This weekend is B.I.G. Big! Our nephew Sean is getting married (to the sweetest girlie!) and all of the kids are in the wedding! I am SO grateful to John for really taking over for this weekend and making sure kids are where they need to be and doing what they need to do! Because truthfully, I can't. It is always guaranteed fun when Wordemans et. all get together for a celebration. And selfishly, I am happy to have something like witnessing two great people vow their love for each other to celebrate!
This has been a rough week for Henry. I think the kids just take turns. Last week I was worried about Sarah. This week, Henry. He just hasn't been himself. Angry, rude specifically to me, discouraged at school... It all came to a head Wednesday. Bedtime the night before was... Let's just say painful. After an hour of sobbing and crying and screaming (like wemightneedtoclosethewindowsbeforethepo-poiscalled) bad. He woke up ok but as he was getting dressed, he just simply blurted out. "Momma, are you going to die?" It just about broke my heart into a million pieces. Short story of it all is that I was truthful and said that I am trying my best and taking medicine to kill every cancer cell in my body and had surgery and am praying but that I would NEVER not be truthful about what was happening in this process and that he will always be taken care of and that honestly, we just don't know when we are going to die and that is why Daddy and I are trying to teach him and his sisters to be kind and respectful and loving and to do their best. All of this through a face full of tears and a very tight throat. All of the anger and frustration from him all week just put into perspective with one sentence. THAT is why I HATE this cancer. I am crying right now. I hate that I can't protect my kids from it OR the feelings it brings.
It also makes me so SO grateful for everyone in our lives right now. Each person makes a difference whether they know it or not. Prayers, emails, cards, texts, phone calls, voicemails, hugs, smiles and waves, chicken noodle soup and ice cream, handmade scarves, blessing bracelets... All of it gets our whole family through this adventure we are on. John and I are forever grateful and blessed. We talked about it so much. (Well, as much as JW and I talk- this is "the" joke for us right now, talking without interruptions OR when I am awake) :) We are amazed at the bountiful blessings we receive daily.
Henry whipped this up this morning before school and had it on my pillow as a surprise. More tears and a grateful heart. Love that kid even though I am counting every grey hair that grows back on my head because of him. Well, not ALL of them...
I am happy to say that I think I have made the turn to feeling better. Wow, what a long, hard week in many ways. When I still felt horrible all day Wednesday, I started to panic a bit. This weekend is B.I.G. Big! Our nephew Sean is getting married (to the sweetest girlie!) and all of the kids are in the wedding! I am SO grateful to John for really taking over for this weekend and making sure kids are where they need to be and doing what they need to do! Because truthfully, I can't. It is always guaranteed fun when Wordemans et. all get together for a celebration. And selfishly, I am happy to have something like witnessing two great people vow their love for each other to celebrate!
This has been a rough week for Henry. I think the kids just take turns. Last week I was worried about Sarah. This week, Henry. He just hasn't been himself. Angry, rude specifically to me, discouraged at school... It all came to a head Wednesday. Bedtime the night before was... Let's just say painful. After an hour of sobbing and crying and screaming (like wemightneedtoclosethewindowsbeforethepo-poiscalled) bad. He woke up ok but as he was getting dressed, he just simply blurted out. "Momma, are you going to die?" It just about broke my heart into a million pieces. Short story of it all is that I was truthful and said that I am trying my best and taking medicine to kill every cancer cell in my body and had surgery and am praying but that I would NEVER not be truthful about what was happening in this process and that he will always be taken care of and that honestly, we just don't know when we are going to die and that is why Daddy and I are trying to teach him and his sisters to be kind and respectful and loving and to do their best. All of this through a face full of tears and a very tight throat. All of the anger and frustration from him all week just put into perspective with one sentence. THAT is why I HATE this cancer. I am crying right now. I hate that I can't protect my kids from it OR the feelings it brings.
It also makes me so SO grateful for everyone in our lives right now. Each person makes a difference whether they know it or not. Prayers, emails, cards, texts, phone calls, voicemails, hugs, smiles and waves, chicken noodle soup and ice cream, handmade scarves, blessing bracelets... All of it gets our whole family through this adventure we are on. John and I are forever grateful and blessed. We talked about it so much. (Well, as much as JW and I talk- this is "the" joke for us right now, talking without interruptions OR when I am awake) :) We are amazed at the bountiful blessings we receive daily.
Henry whipped this up this morning before school and had it on my pillow as a surprise. More tears and a grateful heart. Love that kid even though I am counting every grey hair that grows back on my head because of him. Well, not ALL of them...
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Checking in on poor pitiful Pearl?
This is going to be quick. I am helping Sarah with her homework and John is helping Henry. Yes, we both need a drink. Except that I have been feeling soooooo puny, a drink might just push me over the edge. I really don't have a specific ailment, just many all combined. For documentation (and whining) purposes, I will list them :)
Slight headache that just won't go away
Sore throat
Ugh... Nausea... Same thing just always there and won't go away
Horrible taste for everything- even/especially water. Everything smells and tastes like dirty sweat sock...
I.... am...tired... So,so tired. Like I could lay down and be asleep in seconds tired. Like I have bags of concrete strapped to me and am just slogging along everywhere tired. Tired...zzzzzzzzzz
Waaaaaahhhhhh! Insert poor, pitiful me face.
But, things are looking up! I ate food today! I saw the plastic surgeon and got a "fill." (cringe) I attempted to drink coffee this morning. I got to chat with Henry's teacher today and she didn't burst into tears and I think still likes him :) slight exaggeration... Really, she is SO nice and is such a great teacher! Yet another huge blessing in not only Henry's life but ours as well.
I finally found a 4 section file holder so all of the children will be organized! Hahahaha Ok, I found a 4 section file holder for our kitchen wall that I will cram each of the children's important papers into in HOPES of some sort of organization and order in this house.
Smooches,
The gal keeping her head above water
Slight headache that just won't go away
Sore throat
Ugh... Nausea... Same thing just always there and won't go away
Horrible taste for everything- even/especially water. Everything smells and tastes like dirty sweat sock...
I.... am...tired... So,so tired. Like I could lay down and be asleep in seconds tired. Like I have bags of concrete strapped to me and am just slogging along everywhere tired. Tired...zzzzzzzzzz
Waaaaaahhhhhh! Insert poor, pitiful me face.
But, things are looking up! I ate food today! I saw the plastic surgeon and got a "fill." (cringe) I attempted to drink coffee this morning. I got to chat with Henry's teacher today and she didn't burst into tears and I think still likes him :) slight exaggeration... Really, she is SO nice and is such a great teacher! Yet another huge blessing in not only Henry's life but ours as well.
I finally found a 4 section file holder so all of the children will be organized! Hahahaha Ok, I found a 4 section file holder for our kitchen wall that I will cram each of the children's important papers into in HOPES of some sort of organization and order in this house.
Smooches,
The gal keeping her head above water
Monday, September 23, 2013
Rumplestilskin...
Rough. That would be how I would describe this round of chemo. Thursday after chemo, I came home and slept on and off. I felt only tired- I'll take that! Friday, still felt extremely tired, started the dreaded headache... It thankfully has not been as extreme as in round one. I again slept most of the day when I could and went to get my Neulasta injection. None of this could have been possible without great friends taking the kids after school, and Margo all day. Saturday is a blur. I slept, tried to keep up on meds. Again, I have no words for our friends and for John. Just amazing. I am seriously in awe at the amount of sleep I had. Sleep has always been my answer for well, pretty much anything. :) I just haven't been able to implement operation sleep since having children!
Sunday was such a pretty, fall day! We had many soccer and basketball games- all of which were again taken care of by friends, family, or John. While John was at the Bengals game, I went to Sarah's soccer game and sat in the sun. It was nice to quickly chat with friends (my laundry fairy that makes me smile every time I see her) and the girls played well and won 12-0.
This morning, I just feel completely worn down. My FIL took the kids to school. Which by the way, all three immediately getting up, dressed and ready for grandpa on time was the biggest blessing I could have been given! Highly unusual and I am SO grateful! Margo and I are planning on hanging low today (aka watching tv all day) and hopefully, I will start to turn around for the better. Another blessing I wanted to mention was from a friend yesterday. While she has children, a busy work/ travel schedule and her own busy life, she doubled her dinners and brought over 1/2 to us. Along with a special treat for me that I will cherish. Thank you Mary Ann- your friendship and smiles are huge blessings to all of us! I needed it more than you could imagine.
Margo and I are "coldie!" and are going to try some toast with butter.
Thank you everyone- for all of your prayers. Please, please don't stop they are still very needed!
Sunday was such a pretty, fall day! We had many soccer and basketball games- all of which were again taken care of by friends, family, or John. While John was at the Bengals game, I went to Sarah's soccer game and sat in the sun. It was nice to quickly chat with friends (my laundry fairy that makes me smile every time I see her) and the girls played well and won 12-0.
This morning, I just feel completely worn down. My FIL took the kids to school. Which by the way, all three immediately getting up, dressed and ready for grandpa on time was the biggest blessing I could have been given! Highly unusual and I am SO grateful! Margo and I are planning on hanging low today (aka watching tv all day) and hopefully, I will start to turn around for the better. Another blessing I wanted to mention was from a friend yesterday. While she has children, a busy work/ travel schedule and her own busy life, she doubled her dinners and brought over 1/2 to us. Along with a special treat for me that I will cherish. Thank you Mary Ann- your friendship and smiles are huge blessings to all of us! I needed it more than you could imagine.
Margo and I are "coldie!" and are going to try some toast with butter.
Thank you everyone- for all of your prayers. Please, please don't stop they are still very needed!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Two under my belt...
With the help and prayers from all of you, I have chemo round #2 under my belt! Everything went well and I am home in bed. It really does take a village- thank you so much for all of the people taking care of the kids today and through the weekend! Smooches to you!
Here is an idea of what goes on at chemo...
It was only for a minute and I'm sure he will disagree. I will also have to worry about paybacks!
Here is an idea of what goes on at chemo...
It was only for a minute and I'm sure he will disagree. I will also have to worry about paybacks!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Tick tick tick...
It's already THAT week again. My second round of chemo is this Thursday, the 19th. Why I am letting worry and discouragement seep into my mind, I don't know. Just before I started this post, I said out loud- "I will not let this happen! I will be faithful and strong! I will conquer this cancer and round of chemo with GRACE" I feel all of your prayers and I truly feel God and his trusty angels by my side, so I there really shouldn't be any need for worry. Logically... I CAN do this!
I am trying to get things done this week so this weekend, while I am down and out, will be covered. That is why I am sitting at the computer in my bathrobe with a cat on my lap! :)
Yesterday, was a day of so many blessings. It always amazes me what beautiful weather can do for your spirit and soul. Sitting at many soccer games in the crisp, clear blue sky and air just makes me happy. I received so many pictures yesterday that just brought happy tears to my eyes. All coming at a time I needed them most. I seriously just kept going back and looking at them all day- feel the love!
I am trying to get things done this week so this weekend, while I am down and out, will be covered. That is why I am sitting at the computer in my bathrobe with a cat on my lap! :)
Yesterday, was a day of so many blessings. It always amazes me what beautiful weather can do for your spirit and soul. Sitting at many soccer games in the crisp, clear blue sky and air just makes me happy. I received so many pictures yesterday that just brought happy tears to my eyes. All coming at a time I needed them most. I seriously just kept going back and looking at them all day- feel the love!
Also, last night, Ellie had a basketball game and Sarah also an hour later. So John and I needed to divide and conquer. Clearly, I was at the "wrong" game as I chose to go to Sarah's and Ellie's team all wore pink headbands and the beloved breast cancer Nike socks that Ellie has been REEAAALLLYYY wanting. The friends and moms put this together. John called and when he told me, I was just again overwhelmed with kindness. Kindness that these girls would think so much of not only me but especially Ellie- who is needing this kind of friendship and support now more than ever. To the moms for buying the socks etc. and for becoming my friends too. For telling me my bandanna and hat looks cute. (HA) For telling me that their daughter hasn't missed a night without saying at least three decades of the rosary for me. For the text last night from another friend telling me she can see my strength in my smile and eyes. All of it just incredible blessings that I never want to forget. And most importantly, want my children to learn from these blessings and compassion. This and the many other things all of you are doing. Taking care of my children, laundry, prayers, cards, texts, sewing and knitting me hats, all of it. THAT is where I am getting my strength and will be ready for Thursday- along with my batgirl underwear of course!
Friday, September 13, 2013
Hair today, gone tomorrow... and other things...
Well, my cute pixie cut lasted less than 48 hours...This morning there was enough hair on the floor to form a medium raccoon. Yet again, I called Holli and yet again, she fit me in- and shaved my head. She is also a blessing in disguise! I had a breakdown on John before going but knew it was inevitable. Some of the kids are fine, some Ellie, not so much. I had Chipotle with Melissa and my friend Jaime and felt better. It is just a bizarre feeling. Physically and mentally. On one hand, I "feel" fine- just tired. On the other, it is mentally draining to know that others know you have cancer every time you step out of the house.
We are packed with games this weekend and I am looking forward to the wonderfully cool, fall-like weather. I love having our windows open, wearing a sweatshirt and shorts. We are all so tired. I just can't seem to get myself and the kids into bed before 10 pm. Somehow helping three complete homework and figuring out dinner and practices we haven't been eating before 8 pm. Which had been our usual summer dinner time but clearly needs to be seriously adjusted!. The transition from third to fourth for Sarah has been a bit of a shock. She is doing well but there has been a learning curve of changing classes, teachers homework and added responsibilities. There has been much crying on her part. Not getting enough sleep is NOT helping!
Last week was a week of many doctors appointments. Everything all checked out well. I got my stitches out and my first "fill" into my expanders last Friday. I feel like Dolly Parton. John just shakes his head. Everything you wanted to know about me huh? :)
Ellie, Sarah. Henry and I went to our first of four meetings at the Cancer Family Care Center last Wednesday. the program is called Walk the Dinosaurs and I think everyone liked it as much as they could. Ellie met a really nice girl her own age dealing with her Step-father having cancer. I was shocked by the number of youngish parents and children dealing with stage 4 cancers. Very sad but makes me selfishly hopeful I will never have to experience anything more than what I am now.
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I will be trying to make the most of this weather as my next round of chemo is next Thursday so I know I will be out of commission next weekend.
We are packed with games this weekend and I am looking forward to the wonderfully cool, fall-like weather. I love having our windows open, wearing a sweatshirt and shorts. We are all so tired. I just can't seem to get myself and the kids into bed before 10 pm. Somehow helping three complete homework and figuring out dinner and practices we haven't been eating before 8 pm. Which had been our usual summer dinner time but clearly needs to be seriously adjusted!. The transition from third to fourth for Sarah has been a bit of a shock. She is doing well but there has been a learning curve of changing classes, teachers homework and added responsibilities. There has been much crying on her part. Not getting enough sleep is NOT helping!
Last week was a week of many doctors appointments. Everything all checked out well. I got my stitches out and my first "fill" into my expanders last Friday. I feel like Dolly Parton. John just shakes his head. Everything you wanted to know about me huh? :)
Ellie, Sarah. Henry and I went to our first of four meetings at the Cancer Family Care Center last Wednesday. the program is called Walk the Dinosaurs and I think everyone liked it as much as they could. Ellie met a really nice girl her own age dealing with her Step-father having cancer. I was shocked by the number of youngish parents and children dealing with stage 4 cancers. Very sad but makes me selfishly hopeful I will never have to experience anything more than what I am now.
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I will be trying to make the most of this weather as my next round of chemo is next Thursday so I know I will be out of commission next weekend.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Mish mash of things...
Time flies when you are doing too much and by the end of the day, you are falling asleep during Henry's 20 minutes of reading. I have been busy... doing what, I am not quite sure. 6 people living in one house just amazes me the mere minutes it takes to make it look like the house has been ransacked. It makes me want to pull my hair out. Literally, hairs, falling out EVERYWHERE! As I said to people yesterday, I am more obsessed than upset right now. I think it is the veterinary technician in me. "Hey check out THIS grossness!" "Oh, you want me to pick and debride that wound on that dog? Love to!" I called my beloved friend and family hairdresser Holli yesterday and of course she fit me in... because she rocks like that. AND I brought all of the kids... just so... you know they could torture the salon, eat a mass of suckers and not be freaked out by my new "do." They all like it... too bad it is a ticking time bomb... like days. I have multiple sewing and knitting friends that will be helping me out with head wear AND I have a WIG! Pictures and stories to come soon- I have to get Margo TOHERFIRSTDAYOFPRESCHOOL!!!!!!!! GAH!
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Gifts...
Good Sunday morning! Although I am snuggled in bed with my best bed buddy Henry, I am also drinking a cup of coffee! Many of you know this is a true sign I am feeling more like myself as I LOVE my morning coffee! Probably a little too much but hey if coffee makes me a happy girl, everyone in this family prospers! :)
Gifts... I want to talk about all of the unbelievable, amazing gifts I/our family have received since the very minute of my cancer diagnosis. On one hand, they are completely unnecessary. But honestly? All- big or small, from cards and quick sweet loving notes to handmade cross stitch and quilts, all have arrived at some of my most trying times of this journey our family is on. Thank you just seems weak. They all boost my spirit even though I feel undeserving! I can't even begin to capture them all but am trying to go through some on here over time that have not only rocked me to my core with the overwhelming feeling of love but also, I think are really great ideas for others dealing with a serious life event. Please understand they will be posted in no particular order or by importance etc.! Honestly, there are some that I can't even put into words the raw emotion of love and blessings they have brought to me right now.
Again, thank you everyone. For the prayers, cards, emails, texts, dinners, gift cards, warm fuzzy stripy Buckeye socks :), flowers, clean laundry, clean bathrooms! bracelets, PRAYERS and more prayers! It is all very humbling.
My crappy day treats...
Gifts... I want to talk about all of the unbelievable, amazing gifts I/our family have received since the very minute of my cancer diagnosis. On one hand, they are completely unnecessary. But honestly? All- big or small, from cards and quick sweet loving notes to handmade cross stitch and quilts, all have arrived at some of my most trying times of this journey our family is on. Thank you just seems weak. They all boost my spirit even though I feel undeserving! I can't even begin to capture them all but am trying to go through some on here over time that have not only rocked me to my core with the overwhelming feeling of love but also, I think are really great ideas for others dealing with a serious life event. Please understand they will be posted in no particular order or by importance etc.! Honestly, there are some that I can't even put into words the raw emotion of love and blessings they have brought to me right now.
Again, thank you everyone. For the prayers, cards, emails, texts, dinners, gift cards, warm fuzzy stripy Buckeye socks :), flowers, clean laundry, clean bathrooms! bracelets, PRAYERS and more prayers! It is all very humbling.
My crappy day treats...
This pile of amazing presents are from two friends. Two friends that I happened to meet under circumstances most would never have. It turned into a group of fantastic women I couldn't imagine not in my life. So, these are called crappy day presents. Anytime I am having a rough moment,( like trying to work with Henry on homework) I open a CDP. So far,they have run the gammet of reeaalllllyyyy good chocolate to a solar powered iron owl that sits on our front porch. Isn't that just incredible? Love you Anne and Kerry- more than you can imagine. Thank you for making me laugh so hard, I have actually blamed you both for making my chest hurt!
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Chemo day 8...
Good morning! Well, as I told a neighbor this morning, I think I am on the upswing of yuck. Days 3-5 were bad. The splitting headache, the nausea, the not sleeping... Bad. But, after my "walk" with Sarah on Monday, I could feel things looking a bit brighter. Now the only side effects I feel are some (but usually tolerable) nausea and tiredness. Like youvejustrunamarathonthroughquicksand tiredness. I also get the chemo brain saying. Last night, we had meet the teachers at school and a friend asked me if I was "going to the open house tomorrow" and I just stared at her forever! Wasn't I AT the open house now? After she had to repeat it to me MULTIPLE times, I realized she was talking about Margo's open house that is this morning. Whew! I can hear my brain trying to click but sometimes misfires. I was getting cross at Sarah for using Henry's bunkbed as a jungle gym and couldn't get the right words out and ended up sputtering something completely incoherent and we ended up both just laughing hysterically.
By Friday afternoon, I will have had 3 doctors appointments! Makes lots of sense to stay out of Germy places no? :) I am SO amazed by my friends that are MORE than willing to jump at the chance to take Margo for me during my appointment times. I am very blessed.
John... Now most of you know that John, JW, Wordeman, $&1@!! As I am sometimes prone to call him :) and I have a um... Bantering relationship. But seriously, God just reaffirms how lucky I am to have found and married this man. To say he has stepped up to the plate for our family, is a huge understatement. Tirelessly. Unselfishly. Willingly. John has done more of my "tasks" in the last month than probably in our marriage.He will disagree on that one I'm sure! Bathing children, shopping, homework, making,serving dinners! Driving the children to school in the mornings. Picking up and driving to practices. making sure he is home from work at a reasonable time to help. Anything I ask, he does. I know he is exhausted too. God is amazing in showing me yet another side of my "guy" I have known for a little over 20 years now. (!!) Now, I might change my tune a bit since you know, it's the start of "That" season... OSU and Bengal football, but I still think I am one very lucky girl!
Again this week I have been blown away by my friends and family. Cards, gift cards, wonderfully sweet notes, UNNECESSARY gifts! You have no idea how much it all means. They all come at just the right moments. Gods timing... Just amazing.
By Friday afternoon, I will have had 3 doctors appointments! Makes lots of sense to stay out of Germy places no? :) I am SO amazed by my friends that are MORE than willing to jump at the chance to take Margo for me during my appointment times. I am very blessed.
John... Now most of you know that John, JW, Wordeman, $&1@!! As I am sometimes prone to call him :) and I have a um... Bantering relationship. But seriously, God just reaffirms how lucky I am to have found and married this man. To say he has stepped up to the plate for our family, is a huge understatement. Tirelessly. Unselfishly. Willingly. John has done more of my "tasks" in the last month than probably in our marriage.
Again this week I have been blown away by my friends and family. Cards, gift cards, wonderfully sweet notes, UNNECESSARY gifts! You have no idea how much it all means. They all come at just the right moments. Gods timing... Just amazing.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Deflated... But not defeated! ***Updated***
Good morning from chemo round 1, day 5...
I will warn you, this one might seem like a bit of a downer and I guess it is.
I feel...well, horrible. Yesterday was by far my worst day and I'm hoping I am on the upswing. I am doing better staying on top of meds but I seriously do not know if I can swallow one.more.pill.
The achy side affect from the Neulasta doesn't seem to be bad. But this headache... A whopper I tell you! It physically hurts when I touch my temples. I know I am not getting enough liquids in and is a goal for today. But everything - including water just tastes "off." I am praying this too shall pass!
My other worry has come true... Comfortable sleep. Remember August 1? I had a double mastectomy
with expanders (aka bricks) placed? So I am still healing, still have stitches, STILL can't sleep like a normal person...even my sweet constant companion is mocking me :)
I will warn you, this one might seem like a bit of a downer and I guess it is.
I feel...well, horrible. Yesterday was by far my worst day and I'm hoping I am on the upswing. I am doing better staying on top of meds but I seriously do not know if I can swallow one.more.pill.
The achy side affect from the Neulasta doesn't seem to be bad. But this headache... A whopper I tell you! It physically hurts when I touch my temples. I know I am not getting enough liquids in and is a goal for today. But everything - including water just tastes "off." I am praying this too shall pass!
My other worry has come true... Comfortable sleep. Remember August 1? I had a double mastectomy
with expanders (aka bricks) placed? So I am still healing, still have stitches, STILL can't sleep like a normal person...even my sweet constant companion is mocking me :)
* Sarah just woke up and came out to see me. I was telling her how unbelievable this headache was and that it even hurt to touch my head and she said in her sweet deadpan voice... "Then don't touch it..." Lord I love that girl! Anywho... Back to complaining about how I am still sleeping sitting up in a reclining position and it bites. I want to curl up on my side and SNOOZE!
Enough! Enough! That's all of the whining I am going to do (well right now, on here-just ask John) oh and John, doing such a fantastic job taking care of all of us. Love him!
***************************
After posting, I walked two blocks with Sarah, drank most of my coffee, 1 1/2 cups of my water,got 2 Advil down and can say I think I am feeling better! I might even hear some peanutbutter toast calling my name.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
A kick in the head...
Hello from first chemo treatment, round 1, day 3...
I want to update so I can remember this all as life has a way of making us forget both the good and the bad. Thursday, everything went very well with all infusions- I am grateful for Johns sister Ann for telling me how weird you feel when they give you the IV Benedryl. Everything went very smooth and I liked my nurse Kim, and saw pictures of a fox and hummingbirds which remind me that Ann Ward is undoubtedly helping me through this journey. After we got home, I puttered on the iPad, and snoozed. Friday, John was up and out the door before 5:30am so I was on my own getting the kids ready for school. Melissa kept Margo all day Thursday and overnight AND picked up the kids from school Friday and has kept them since! Please pray for her sanity as many of you know, she has four kids too! I don't know how she does it...
The kids did such a great job getting up and ready on time for Grandpa to pick them up and take them to school! I heard through the grapevine that grandpa only held up the drop off line a smidge getting out and taking pictures of the kids going into school. Love that man and his camera. I felt pretty well on Friday just slightly nauseous but kept up on my meds. I decided to go for a walk and Jill and her sweet nieces came with me. It was slow going but great to talk and walk with such a good friend. Got home and napped. I think all of my napping is really just catch up as before my first treatment, I had just plain worn myself out. I got up to go to get my Neulasta injection when John called to tell me he was on his way to take me. Firstly, this was unnecessary because I felt fine and could drive but I also knew what a ridiculously stressful day/ week he had had at work and didn't want to add to the stress. It just brings me to tears of his immense love for me and our family. He just just simply a great guy... Most of the time :)
We went for the injection and the treatment room was hopping. We were in and out in an hour. The nurse did the injection in my stomach which was unexpected but she said she liked to inject where there is "the most padding" instead of my arm... Ahem I have no idea why she chose my stomach (cough cough,4 large sized children cough cough) we came home, I read for a bit and John and I had decided to go see a movie by ourselves that night! Something we haven't done without children in forever! Like I can't even tell you the last movie we saw... And that's when I woke up at 8:20pm to him working on his computer. He hadn't wanted to wake me up and we had missed our movie. I made skyline for him and noodles with butter for me and we watched the Reds and couldn't decide on what movie to rent from Direct TV. He went to bed and I snoozed on the couch till 2am. I took the meds I needed at that time and read until 3:25am, took my Claritin to help with the icky Neulasta injection and slept until 9:45am!!! Now, this is both a blessing and a curse as clearly sleep is helping but over sleeping and not keeping up on my meds is B.A.D. I got up and felt really nauseous but my head, oh my head I can honestly say I have never had a headache like this. If I kept/ keep my eyes closed, it is getting better. John had to go into work and I had my slew of meds, toast with REAL butter and a coffee on the porch. Feeling a bit better 3 hours later. :) I'm glad buckeye football has started!
So, there you have it! Thank you everyone praying for me and our family. As I have said before, to FEEL you prayers envelop us is just life changing. Please don't stop. God is good and our blessings are many thanks to all of you!
Smooches, Kate
I want to update so I can remember this all as life has a way of making us forget both the good and the bad. Thursday, everything went very well with all infusions- I am grateful for Johns sister Ann for telling me how weird you feel when they give you the IV Benedryl. Everything went very smooth and I liked my nurse Kim, and saw pictures of a fox and hummingbirds which remind me that Ann Ward is undoubtedly helping me through this journey. After we got home, I puttered on the iPad, and snoozed. Friday, John was up and out the door before 5:30am so I was on my own getting the kids ready for school. Melissa kept Margo all day Thursday and overnight AND picked up the kids from school Friday and has kept them since! Please pray for her sanity as many of you know, she has four kids too! I don't know how she does it...
The kids did such a great job getting up and ready on time for Grandpa to pick them up and take them to school! I heard through the grapevine that grandpa only held up the drop off line a smidge getting out and taking pictures of the kids going into school. Love that man and his camera. I felt pretty well on Friday just slightly nauseous but kept up on my meds. I decided to go for a walk and Jill and her sweet nieces came with me. It was slow going but great to talk and walk with such a good friend. Got home and napped. I think all of my napping is really just catch up as before my first treatment, I had just plain worn myself out. I got up to go to get my Neulasta injection when John called to tell me he was on his way to take me. Firstly, this was unnecessary because I felt fine and could drive but I also knew what a ridiculously stressful day/ week he had had at work and didn't want to add to the stress. It just brings me to tears of his immense love for me and our family. He just just simply a great guy... Most of the time :)
We went for the injection and the treatment room was hopping. We were in and out in an hour. The nurse did the injection in my stomach which was unexpected but she said she liked to inject where there is "the most padding" instead of my arm... Ahem I have no idea why she chose my stomach (cough cough,4 large sized children cough cough) we came home, I read for a bit and John and I had decided to go see a movie by ourselves that night! Something we haven't done without children in forever! Like I can't even tell you the last movie we saw... And that's when I woke up at 8:20pm to him working on his computer. He hadn't wanted to wake me up and we had missed our movie. I made skyline for him and noodles with butter for me and we watched the Reds and couldn't decide on what movie to rent from Direct TV. He went to bed and I snoozed on the couch till 2am. I took the meds I needed at that time and read until 3:25am, took my Claritin to help with the icky Neulasta injection and slept until 9:45am!!! Now, this is both a blessing and a curse as clearly sleep is helping but over sleeping and not keeping up on my meds is B.A.D. I got up and felt really nauseous but my head, oh my head I can honestly say I have never had a headache like this. If I kept/ keep my eyes closed, it is getting better. John had to go into work and I had my slew of meds, toast with REAL butter and a coffee on the porch. Feeling a bit better 3 hours later. :) I'm glad buckeye football has started!
So, there you have it! Thank you everyone praying for me and our family. As I have said before, to FEEL you prayers envelop us is just life changing. Please don't stop. God is good and our blessings are many thanks to all of you!
Smooches, Kate
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Home again, home again jiggitty jig...
Good afternoon! This will be very quick, but I wanted to update. Chemo treatment, round 1 went very well! There were no problems accessing my port. I tolerated all of the meds well (so far) and am happy to be in my bed! Henry is at the end of my bed, very excited to be starting soccer tonight. I will keep you posted with more details after I get some zzzzzzz's! Thank you so much for all of your prayers! They are truely felt and help me immensely! Don't fret! I'm rockin' this chemo thing! Man, I hope I didn't jinx myself...
Monday, August 26, 2013
My Laundry Fairy...
One day, shortly after my diagnosis, a friend gave me a wrapped present. I of course gave her my evil eye and she just waved her hand and said " oh it's nothing- really" Little did I know, this friend is not only teaching me a HUGE life lesson that you really can't always do it all, but is allowing me to let go of one of my biggest stressors- laundry. And I am the envy to everyone I tell about my laundry fairy. I wish I had a picture of the original box but inside was a ton of gi-normous mesh laundry bags and this note. Oh the note! I cannot tell you the amount of times I have read this note and laughed and cried. I so can't believe I am actually letting her BE my laundry fairy! Also, when you read this, remember that she has three littles all under the age of 8!!! She is just selfless, always has a smile on her face and always makes me happy with just a chat, email or text. Just say a prayer of thanks for her will you? Especially on Thursdays! Thank you my sweet laundry fairy... There really aren't words. I will be forever grateful.
Friday, August 23, 2013
A different way of thinking...
Sarah (9) hates to take showers. Every other night-except after games and practices, gasp! Heaven forbid bathing DAILY!! There is a major exhausting struggle to get her to shower. Many tears later, she is fine and smells wonderful.The worst part is that now, I get it. Well, sort of.
I have yet to regret deciding to have the double mastectomy. I never really thought much about my body. Yes I didn't like it when I was very over weight or right after any of the kids deliveries. I didn't like my clothes not fitting or that I didn't feel healthy over eating or drinking. I like clothes but I have been pretty happy with plain jane. ( Doodles, you are thinking white T-shirt and jeans! ) This year, after my weight loss, I really started to assess my clothes combined with my age and figure etc. it was nice to wear clothes that were still plain jane but I tried to branch out a bit- patterned shorts! funky shirts! I was having fun. I am annoyed with myself how much these material things meant to me. Now, getting dressed is still fun but I am now working on not being worried about my body image. When I was losing the weight and dieting, it became very important to me that the girls knew WHY I was dieting- for health. I have never made a big deal about dressing or showering in front of them.
But the thought of showering and having to see and feel my surgery sites and stitches and the bump from my port has me almost in tears... It's all just weird. The expanders are rock hard under my skin that look bizarre. Between parts that remind me of chicken skin and the other half that is bruised and has stitches, showering is now my least favorite thing to do. Luckily for all of you and the public, I still DO shower... Every other day. I hated it when Sarah asked the other day why I had my bedroom door closed and I said " because I was getting dressed" and she replied " well, you've never closed the door before..."
I know it will all get better. Trust me, I've seen the boob book at Dr. Ks office! :) I realize i am at the worst part of the reconstruction phase. I just don't want my self consciousness to rub off on the girls.
I have yet to regret deciding to have the double mastectomy. I never really thought much about my body. Yes I didn't like it when I was very over weight or right after any of the kids deliveries. I didn't like my clothes not fitting or that I didn't feel healthy over eating or drinking. I like clothes but I have been pretty happy with plain jane. ( Doodles, you are thinking white T-shirt and jeans! ) This year, after my weight loss, I really started to assess my clothes combined with my age and figure etc. it was nice to wear clothes that were still plain jane but I tried to branch out a bit- patterned shorts! funky shirts! I was having fun. I am annoyed with myself how much these material things meant to me. Now, getting dressed is still fun but I am now working on not being worried about my body image. When I was losing the weight and dieting, it became very important to me that the girls knew WHY I was dieting- for health. I have never made a big deal about dressing or showering in front of them.
But the thought of showering and having to see and feel my surgery sites and stitches and the bump from my port has me almost in tears... It's all just weird. The expanders are rock hard under my skin that look bizarre. Between parts that remind me of chicken skin and the other half that is bruised and has stitches, showering is now my least favorite thing to do. Luckily for all of you and the public, I still DO shower... Every other day. I hated it when Sarah asked the other day why I had my bedroom door closed and I said " because I was getting dressed" and she replied " well, you've never closed the door before..."
I know it will all get better. Trust me, I've seen the boob book at Dr. Ks office! :) I realize i am at the worst part of the reconstruction phase. I just don't want my self consciousness to rub off on the girls.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Grateful
Ah what a day. Just long and full of running. Hair cut for Ellie, ran by Johns parents to have Mom hem Sarah's uniform skirt for THEFIRSTDAYOFSCHOOLTOMORROW!!!! Ran over to school to drop off everyone's supplies to their classrooms. Ran to our favorite Chinese food lunch place to check off yet another summer bucket list wish. Ran Sarah to basketball practice then out to the Riehles for our last soak up the end of summer before school starts swim. Ran Ellie to basketball practice, home, Krogers, dinner of Taco Bell and Wendy's and then to Justice for some white tank tops for Sarah to wear under her uniform blouse because THEYARETOTALLYSEETHROUGHWAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
I am paying for it with a very sore chest, port site, head and back.
I was thinking today and telling the girls many times to "be grateful" so I am just going to write a short list of some things I myself am grateful for today and call it a night.
Not in order of importance and some of the firsts that come to mind as there are many...
*************** I am grateful for.....*******************
Henry losing his second top tooth and his gummy smile
Margo watching Miss Holli remove the older girls hair wraps and thinking she was the cats meow since hers may stay in.
Talking with an old friend and hearing about her stresses of moving houses and packing with young children and how "normal" our conversation was. Nothing cancer related, just easygoing and funny. JC, our 10 minutes made my day! I'm praying for you! :)
For that wonderful feeling I get walking into the children's school and hugs from some great people. I am still amazed by the feeling of love and God that just radiates from that building. I hope the feeling never gets old.
For Sarah waking up this morning and asking me to snuggle with her on the couch. No TV, no iPod, just two girls on the couch(one with coffee) with our fuzzy blankets chatting.
For sitting in the sun under the Riehles tiki umbrella watching the kids swim and chatting with Melissa. Made me feel a million times better.
For my SIL Judy who shows up here almost daily with a smile on her face. She has spent days organizing the children's bins of mismatched toys and I can guarantee she has nightmares about millions of plastic dinosaurs and race cars and squinkies and barbies and mini football helmets etc.
For Ellie going with me to Krogers tonight and insisting on pushing the cart and loading the van- by then I really was on my last leg!
For my sister Anne- for keeping in touch
For Johns new routine of coming over to my side of the bed when he is leaving for work in the morning to give me a kiss and see if I need anything before he goes.
I am paying for it with a very sore chest, port site, head and back.
I was thinking today and telling the girls many times to "be grateful" so I am just going to write a short list of some things I myself am grateful for today and call it a night.
Not in order of importance and some of the firsts that come to mind as there are many...
*************** I am grateful for.....*******************
Henry losing his second top tooth and his gummy smile
Margo watching Miss Holli remove the older girls hair wraps and thinking she was the cats meow since hers may stay in.
Talking with an old friend and hearing about her stresses of moving houses and packing with young children and how "normal" our conversation was. Nothing cancer related, just easygoing and funny. JC, our 10 minutes made my day! I'm praying for you! :)
For that wonderful feeling I get walking into the children's school and hugs from some great people. I am still amazed by the feeling of love and God that just radiates from that building. I hope the feeling never gets old.
For Sarah waking up this morning and asking me to snuggle with her on the couch. No TV, no iPod, just two girls on the couch(one with coffee) with our fuzzy blankets chatting.
For sitting in the sun under the Riehles tiki umbrella watching the kids swim and chatting with Melissa. Made me feel a million times better.
For my SIL Judy who shows up here almost daily with a smile on her face. She has spent days organizing the children's bins of mismatched toys and I can guarantee she has nightmares about millions of plastic dinosaurs and race cars and squinkies and barbies and mini football helmets etc.
For Ellie going with me to Krogers tonight and insisting on pushing the cart and loading the van- by then I really was on my last leg!
For my sister Anne- for keeping in touch
For Johns new routine of coming over to my side of the bed when he is leaving for work in the morning to give me a kiss and see if I need anything before he goes.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Back in the saddle...
Well, you can say I'm back in the saddle of stress, anxiety, tears and such. We- John and my trusty sidekick with excellent penmanship Melissa went to my first Oncology appt. with Dr. Ward yesterday. Yes, his name really is Dr. Ward and if you know much about my young adulthood until present, you know for good reason, I pretty much adore anyone with the last name Ward. :) And yes, I will admit that I took his name as a sign (a good one) and also made him my first choice of Oncologists to meet with.
This Ward needs to grow on me a bit.
We had a 2:00 appointment and although we waited for him for a while, we didn't leave the building until 5:17pm. Can you say brain overload? He is very nice and easy going. He is HUGE on Clinical Trials... which if you have known me during my career life, you will also know that CTs and I have had our fun and I don't ever want to be involved in that "world" again. Or so I thought... I am for sure in one and possibly two. More on them in another post and J and E... stop laughing hysterically.
The facts:
I am 99% sure my first chemo treatment will be August 29
This is a Thursday and I am having anxiety trying to see into the future and figure out how I will be handling the chemo and do I want my "bad" days to be on the weekends when the kids will be home or start on a Monday and have my "bad" days be more when at least 3 of the kids will be in school the majority of my day. Don't laugh, this is a HUGE stressor for me and all of the pros and cons are just telling me to just forget everything and run for the hills. Which we know I won't do.
No time is a good time to have chemo...
I will be given Taxotere and Cytoxan along with a slew of other meds to counter act the side effects of the chemos.
I will have 6 treatments every three weeks
I feel like I again am having an out of body experience...again. Yesterday, we were sitting in the room with Dr. W- John to my left and Melissa to my right and I just kept looking around thinking " Is he freaking talking to ME?!?!" " I can't stinking believe we are talking about ME?!!"
I also feel like since the second he said to start chemo on the 29th, an immediate ticking clock started in my head and just won't stop. Just like when I got my surgery date of August 1st.
Again, I know (at least I am pretty sure) I can do this. I am praying for my Faith, Wisdom and Grace even more now because I really feel like I will be needing everything I can get. Every good thought. Every prayer coming my way. Every ounce of belief I have to make sure I can get through the 6 treatments with the most grace possible to show the children that with the above all combined, wonderful blessings and good things come out of even the hardest of times.
I have many posts that I am working on so be prepared :) but honestly, I am so tired right now I just need to close these old eyes.
This Ward needs to grow on me a bit.
We had a 2:00 appointment and although we waited for him for a while, we didn't leave the building until 5:17pm. Can you say brain overload? He is very nice and easy going. He is HUGE on Clinical Trials... which if you have known me during my career life, you will also know that CTs and I have had our fun and I don't ever want to be involved in that "world" again. Or so I thought... I am for sure in one and possibly two. More on them in another post and J and E... stop laughing hysterically.
The facts:
I am 99% sure my first chemo treatment will be August 29
This is a Thursday and I am having anxiety trying to see into the future and figure out how I will be handling the chemo and do I want my "bad" days to be on the weekends when the kids will be home or start on a Monday and have my "bad" days be more when at least 3 of the kids will be in school the majority of my day. Don't laugh, this is a HUGE stressor for me and all of the pros and cons are just telling me to just forget everything and run for the hills. Which we know I won't do.
No time is a good time to have chemo...
I will be given Taxotere and Cytoxan along with a slew of other meds to counter act the side effects of the chemos.
I will have 6 treatments every three weeks
I feel like I again am having an out of body experience...again. Yesterday, we were sitting in the room with Dr. W- John to my left and Melissa to my right and I just kept looking around thinking " Is he freaking talking to ME?!?!" " I can't stinking believe we are talking about ME?!!"
I also feel like since the second he said to start chemo on the 29th, an immediate ticking clock started in my head and just won't stop. Just like when I got my surgery date of August 1st.
Again, I know (at least I am pretty sure) I can do this. I am praying for my Faith, Wisdom and Grace even more now because I really feel like I will be needing everything I can get. Every good thought. Every prayer coming my way. Every ounce of belief I have to make sure I can get through the 6 treatments with the most grace possible to show the children that with the above all combined, wonderful blessings and good things come out of even the hardest of times.
I have many posts that I am working on so be prepared :) but honestly, I am so tired right now I just need to close these old eyes.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Lessons learned...
We have had some long days that finally caught up with me last night. Thankfully the kids have been so occupied by some ridiculously fun play dates, they are exhausted but are finishing the end of summer vacation with a bang. Thanks SO much to our friends that are making sure their bucket lists are beyond being filled. We also have had so many delicious dinners brought to us that some larger pants might be needed! I am not just talking about myself cough cough I just keep thinking how unbelievable the power of prayer and the love of friends and family is. Again, John and I keep saying how we can't understand how people faced with a crisis get through even one day without prayer and the love and trust of God. Again, the blanket of love and prayers that I am constantly feeling is just beyond words. Thank you with all of my heart.
Yesterday was a long one. As I said before, Sarah and Ellie have been showing signs of "cancer related stress" (my words) and we went and saw Miss Rachel through the Cancer Family Care Center. I really think she is yet another hidden blessing. Both girls went in (one 11 year old NOT happy about it) and not only did the girls leave with better mind sets but I left knowing we had made the right choice to start counseling now instead of waiting and that both girls were feeling completely appropriate things and acting accordingly. I also think the 4 week program they and Henry are signed up for sounds fantastic. Both girls expressed they are nervous about starting school and worrying about me while they are there, so we are working on that.
After the counseling appointment, we went to the pediatricians because Ellie jammed her finger the night before in a basketball game. Now, I will be honest, yes, it looked painful, yes, I am sure it hurt... But, at this point of everything going on, how in the heck could I say "oh suck it up and let's wait a couple of days and see how it is" AND since our usual ped. was on vacation and we could get into my second favorite Dr. A, I thought FOR SURE she would say "oh yes you sweet precious girly basketball player... Suck it up youjammedyourfinger!" But no much to my surprise, shenthoughtntheremreallymmight be a chance of itmbeing fractured and we got a referral to have Ellie's hand X-rayed. I just walked out of there shaking my head. From there, my sweet sister-in-law whom has not stopped playing,cleaning,organizing,vacuuming, entertaining, bathing, feeding myself and my children for weeks now drove us for the fastest inhalaling of skyline ever and then home so I could meet John so we could go to my first check with the plastic surgeon since surgery.
All went well with Dr. K. I got my drains out (woohoo!) and the clearance to shower and shave (think Sasquatch - not kidding and I even kind of cheated once) I do have to keep my straight jacket Velcro bra on and kept snug but I'll take it! I still can't drive until I feel able to completely move my arms and react accordingly which I am praying for next Wednesday, the kids first day of school. I know I will survive if someone else has to drive us but I will guarantee I will be in that car with them. John is just happy for someone else to be driving them as they have a much better chance of being on time...ahem... I still blame Henry for last years tardiness.
Anyway, after Dr. Ks, John and I ran to Target for my prescription refills and before he was taking E to have her hand X-rayed. THAT is where I hit the wall. I felt so beyond horrible you just would not believe. I started sweating and was freezing and my teeth were chattering and I thought I was going to get sick. It was horrible. John got me home (I am skipping the part here where the sweetest lady that knows my SIL Sue and goes to St. Gerts was just at our door when we got home and I thought I might pass out- I promise to tell it later) and I got into bed and slept and slept and slept some more. Just way too much too soon. Lesson learned!
Tomorrow morning is a dermatology appointment that I was going to cancel even though it took me 3 months for this appt. and the Dr. comes highly reccommended but they talked me into going saying that I guess chemo and radiation really screws with your skin and to get a base line before hand would be really smart... Blahblahblah.
Again everyone praying and sending cards and texts and emails and the most beautiful cross stitch that is the first thing I see in the morning and the last to see at night, and chemo bags and just...everything. You are making me realize that I was not a very good friend to those in need and I can't wait to be able to pay all of it forward. Yet another life lesson I am learning.
Smooches
Yesterday was a long one. As I said before, Sarah and Ellie have been showing signs of "cancer related stress" (my words) and we went and saw Miss Rachel through the Cancer Family Care Center. I really think she is yet another hidden blessing. Both girls went in (one 11 year old NOT happy about it) and not only did the girls leave with better mind sets but I left knowing we had made the right choice to start counseling now instead of waiting and that both girls were feeling completely appropriate things and acting accordingly. I also think the 4 week program they and Henry are signed up for sounds fantastic. Both girls expressed they are nervous about starting school and worrying about me while they are there, so we are working on that.
After the counseling appointment, we went to the pediatricians because Ellie jammed her finger the night before in a basketball game. Now, I will be honest, yes, it looked painful, yes, I am sure it hurt... But, at this point of everything going on, how in the heck could I say "oh suck it up and let's wait a couple of days and see how it is" AND since our usual ped. was on vacation and we could get into my second favorite Dr. A, I thought FOR SURE she would say "oh yes you sweet precious girly basketball player... Suck it up youjammedyourfinger!" But no much to my surprise, shenthoughtntheremreallymmight be a chance of itmbeing fractured and we got a referral to have Ellie's hand X-rayed. I just walked out of there shaking my head. From there, my sweet sister-in-law whom has not stopped playing,cleaning,organizing,vacuuming, entertaining, bathing, feeding myself and my children for weeks now drove us for the fastest inhalaling of skyline ever and then home so I could meet John so we could go to my first check with the plastic surgeon since surgery.
All went well with Dr. K. I got my drains out (woohoo!) and the clearance to shower and shave (think Sasquatch - not kidding and I even kind of cheated once) I do have to keep my straight jacket Velcro bra on and kept snug but I'll take it! I still can't drive until I feel able to completely move my arms and react accordingly which I am praying for next Wednesday, the kids first day of school. I know I will survive if someone else has to drive us but I will guarantee I will be in that car with them. John is just happy for someone else to be driving them as they have a much better chance of being on time...ahem... I still blame Henry for last years tardiness.
Anyway, after Dr. Ks, John and I ran to Target for my prescription refills and before he was taking E to have her hand X-rayed. THAT is where I hit the wall. I felt so beyond horrible you just would not believe. I started sweating and was freezing and my teeth were chattering and I thought I was going to get sick. It was horrible. John got me home (I am skipping the part here where the sweetest lady that knows my SIL Sue and goes to St. Gerts was just at our door when we got home and I thought I might pass out- I promise to tell it later) and I got into bed and slept and slept and slept some more. Just way too much too soon. Lesson learned!
Tomorrow morning is a dermatology appointment that I was going to cancel even though it took me 3 months for this appt. and the Dr. comes highly reccommended but they talked me into going saying that I guess chemo and radiation really screws with your skin and to get a base line before hand would be really smart... Blahblahblah.
Again everyone praying and sending cards and texts and emails and the most beautiful cross stitch that is the first thing I see in the morning and the last to see at night, and chemo bags and just...everything. You are making me realize that I was not a very good friend to those in need and I can't wait to be able to pay all of it forward. Yet another life lesson I am learning.
Smooches
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Friday, August 9, 2013
The power of prayer
I will be honest, the last couple of days have been rough. I am sleeping in small doses and it is catching up with me. I love having the children here but it also comes with a price of always being "there" and having my brave face on. Both worth having them home. Again, the friends that have taken them all for days and nights without hesitation... There just aren't enough hugs or thank yous. What you have given our family is precious. After some long, serious talks with E,S and H, I have spoken with someone from Cancer family services about individual counseling and a neat sounding 4 week program for the kids beginning in September. The girls are acting like they would rather have a root canal but have been given no choice on the matter of attending. We can always back down but their silent fear and tears are pushing me over the edge with worry about their health and well being. Again, Henry's questions are so well thought out, it is scary. They are amazing. So, I have been sad about all of that. I feel like I am healing well and have the pain under control most of the time but have moved onto my big book of questions regarding next steps and chemo etc. we meet with the oncologist next Friday at 2pm. Basketball has started for the girls and soccer will start for the girls and Henry soon. While I am breathing into a paper bag trying to write everyone schedules, including mine, I can't wait to be able to go sit in my chair on a nice fall day and watch them play. One of my favorite things to do. Who would have thought?:) In light of these stresses, and some quiet tears in my room with worry about the kids going through this path with me, I need to count some blessings... All just immeasurable. A simple card coming everyday from our neighbor. A quick, short text from a friend that I know is extremely busy with work and her 3 littles came at such a perfect moment that dried my tears and had me saying a huge prayer of thanks for all moms and friends that just "get the pain" when your children are faced with even the slightest bump in the road. Knowing there will be more yet still ready to take on the fight for whatever "it" may be in place of their children.
Barb F. As I told you in a quick Facebook message today. You are simply an angel. With all of the emotional stuff the girls have been trying to deal with, your loving words and wisdom in the cards you sent could not have been more perfect. Nor the timing of their arrival. Sarah's looks like it might be 10 years old, she has had it clutched in her hands and has read it and cried( good tears!) many,many times. I again am forever grateful.
If I learn anything from this journey, it should be... if I am thinking of someone, take the time to let them know it. It will only take a minute and could matter most at that time.
Barb F. As I told you in a quick Facebook message today. You are simply an angel. With all of the emotional stuff the girls have been trying to deal with, your loving words and wisdom in the cards you sent could not have been more perfect. Nor the timing of their arrival. Sarah's looks like it might be 10 years old, she has had it clutched in her hands and has read it and cried( good tears!) many,many times. I again am forever grateful.
If I learn anything from this journey, it should be... if I am thinking of someone, take the time to let them know it. It will only take a minute and could matter most at that time.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
You take the good, you take the bad...
My husband has been reminding me that this blog needs to be updated. I told him to have at it. Sorry days have passed... How is it? The weather has been so unbelievably gorgeous the past few days, I have spent most of my time on our porch. It is amazing what a nice breeze, sunny day and chirping birds can do to make a happy day. The kids finally all came home last night. I know I wanted them back but I also know my first days of recuperation were imperative. Even the crying and bickering made me feel good. My heart felt complete. Just bursting with love just to have them all under one roof. Thank you Ann, Sue and Melissa ( and all of your multiple helpers!) I will forever be thankful for you taking over my role of Momma for them when I couldn't- thank you Amy and Melissa for not giving into Margo's ridiculous attempt to rock the wagon by herself. I'm sure it was a long loud 40 minutes but I wouldn't have backed down either, :)
I talked to a doctor specializing in children with parents with cancer today. It was enlightening and depressing at the same time. Ellie is wanting nothing to do on the subject and we had a talk the other day that just by not talking about something, doesn't make it go away. Sarah is my sweet shadow that I have learned has just burst into tears and sobbed with a good friend of mine. She just tucks everything away and I want her seeing someone before "it" just gets too big for her mind to handle. And Henry I am embarrassed to say twice now I have underestimated his intelligence. His hour long question and answer session last night had me in awe. The wheels are turning and I want to be a little more prepared for the next round. Margo just cries and bosses us all around so not much has changed for her. :) Thank you Kathy H. For giving the information to me before I even realized I would need it!
I am staying up on pain meds but my special ball o' medicine that delivered medi to the sites via a small catheter ran out. Lets just say BIG Bummer. I didn't have a good day and need to try and shut my brain down and sleep.
Thank you again for the presents and cards and food. From the phone calls to the texts that all seem to come at the perfect time. Thank you. For the hand written notes and prayers from women who are 20+ year survivors confirming it can be done. Thank you to the mom that has knitted an afghan for us all to snuggle under all of her beautiful stitches completed with prayers. Your out pouring of love has become a lesson to me.
I have just fallen asleep 5 times writing this... That's my que... Night night.
I talked to a doctor specializing in children with parents with cancer today. It was enlightening and depressing at the same time. Ellie is wanting nothing to do on the subject and we had a talk the other day that just by not talking about something, doesn't make it go away. Sarah is my sweet shadow that I have learned has just burst into tears and sobbed with a good friend of mine. She just tucks everything away and I want her seeing someone before "it" just gets too big for her mind to handle. And Henry I am embarrassed to say twice now I have underestimated his intelligence. His hour long question and answer session last night had me in awe. The wheels are turning and I want to be a little more prepared for the next round. Margo just cries and bosses us all around so not much has changed for her. :) Thank you Kathy H. For giving the information to me before I even realized I would need it!
I am staying up on pain meds but my special ball o' medicine that delivered medi to the sites via a small catheter ran out. Lets just say BIG Bummer. I didn't have a good day and need to try and shut my brain down and sleep.
Thank you again for the presents and cards and food. From the phone calls to the texts that all seem to come at the perfect time. Thank you. For the hand written notes and prayers from women who are 20+ year survivors confirming it can be done. Thank you to the mom that has knitted an afghan for us all to snuggle under all of her beautiful stitches completed with prayers. Your out pouring of love has become a lesson to me.
I have just fallen asleep 5 times writing this... That's my que... Night night.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Baby steps
Hello from the land of drains, pain meds and walking like I am 100! Again there is so much I want to remember about the last couple of days. John and I are completely in awe at the tidal waves of love and prayers. As I have been telling the few people I have talked to, it is so hard to explain, but to feel the love and prayer envelop us the entire day of surgery is one I never want to forget. Not one time did I worry that something would go wrong. Not one time did I second guess my decision. I was more nervous on my wedding day last Thursday. I never felt scared or afraid. All because of your prayers for me. Thank you just doesn't seem enough but right now it's all I have. Prayer really does lift you up!
While both doctors have been great, Dr.H is just so extraordinary that I want to mention her so I do remember the little things. For being a breast surgeon, you can also tell she is a mother. Her advice on explaining my surgery and very strict recovery was great. One of my favorite lines was. " you are no longer Margo's mode of transportation." While we are all very aware I am Margo's best friend, many of you know that this is going to come as a shock to her...ahem... When I went into the surgery room, Dr. H was with me holding my hand and getting me situated on the table. The last thing I remember is her holding my hand and making the sign of the cross on my forehead and saying "I am here with you, I promise to do my best and God is with you too." Then it was Cracker Jack, lights out.
The first night was a little rough. I was sick from the anesthesia and pretty much drugged to the gills. John stayed with me and again is my comfort and rock and most definitely my comedian. It brings tears to my eyes right now my love for him and for how hard he works to keep our crazy little family afloat in so many ways. I still can't believe they sent me home the next day but have to admit that being in my newly painted and decorated bedroom is wonderful. My sister Libby has been BEYOND fantastic. She has been here multiple times a day to empty my drains, answer questions, adjust my gauze and as I like to call it my straight jacket. I really do believe God has paths in our lives planned out for us. Her making this move to cincinnati last year was one of them. Again no words how happy I am to have her, Terry and Gretchen all living here. They all hug and kiss way too much, but I am getting better with this. (Lib's, you are laughing right now- I know it)
So let's get down to the nitty gritty. Friday night, dr. H called with my pathology report.
Right breast was clean
Two tumors were found in the left. One 2.5 cm, one 6mm
Both were highly aggressive grade III
DCIS was found surrounding both tumors- clearly how they started.
Clean margins we obtained all the way around- 8-12mm
* here is for the slight snafu as we are calling it...
While sentinal nodes we clear, " extensive lymphatic vascular tissue" was found within the left breast. So basically while the sentinal nodes are clear, other lymph were not.
Does this suck? Sure but again, I am on a path that I need / want to follow with the best possible outlook and attitude. (Who would have thought! ) Dr. H said that this just means the my oncologist will treat me very aggressively from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Which I will be using as reason to John that regular pedicures will be needed!:)
I can't tell you how much I am loving everyone's cards and gifts and emails and messages and Facebook posts! Please don't stop praying, as this is just the first hurdle of many and to be honest, I need you all.
Now for some highlights... Me falling asleep mid banana breakfast just after my Valium was given. Thank you John for not taking a picture even though you have assured me many times how much restraint it took for you not to. Dr. V coming in to see us and bringing flowers. When telling him thanks, he joked that he had just delivered a baby girl and grabbed it from the room on his way out and switched the welcome baby girl card. Still adore him way too much. My beautiful vase of flowers that came to the house yesterday from "my Target Family" thank you K and S (?) the are lovely and unnecessary but have provided John with proof that I am at Target waaaaay too much and Bill amd Melissa a ridiculous amount of ammunition for years to come. John has already told me that I shouldn't be sad, my Kohls flowers should be here soon and Melissa had sent a text asking if my Chipotle and Starbucks flowers have arrived. Comedians I tell you.
I miss the kids so much it hurts. But I also know I need to take advantage of the peace and quiet now. Ellie has been able to sneak over and give hugs. When she walked in on Friday, she just burst into tears. Just more proof that their fear is masked too. Just breaks my heart. Sarah got some hugs in yesterday and seems to actually be doing the best. She is very interested in the medical/ surgery part where Ellie wants nothing to do with it. I called over to talk with Henry and Margo yesterday and while Margo was at the store with uncle mark,I got to tal to a very tearful Henry. He wants to see me and come home and am I alright and he reeaalllllyyyy wants to come home! Ugh- while I know he is having a ridiculous amount of fun and lord knoews, I hope he is behaving, it just made me sob. Again, I know right now, these few days are imperitive for me to rest and heal, I again just miss them.
While both doctors have been great, Dr.H is just so extraordinary that I want to mention her so I do remember the little things. For being a breast surgeon, you can also tell she is a mother. Her advice on explaining my surgery and very strict recovery was great. One of my favorite lines was. " you are no longer Margo's mode of transportation." While we are all very aware I am Margo's best friend, many of you know that this is going to come as a shock to her...ahem... When I went into the surgery room, Dr. H was with me holding my hand and getting me situated on the table. The last thing I remember is her holding my hand and making the sign of the cross on my forehead and saying "I am here with you, I promise to do my best and God is with you too." Then it was Cracker Jack, lights out.
The first night was a little rough. I was sick from the anesthesia and pretty much drugged to the gills. John stayed with me and again is my comfort and rock and most definitely my comedian. It brings tears to my eyes right now my love for him and for how hard he works to keep our crazy little family afloat in so many ways. I still can't believe they sent me home the next day but have to admit that being in my newly painted and decorated bedroom is wonderful. My sister Libby has been BEYOND fantastic. She has been here multiple times a day to empty my drains, answer questions, adjust my gauze and as I like to call it my straight jacket. I really do believe God has paths in our lives planned out for us. Her making this move to cincinnati last year was one of them. Again no words how happy I am to have her, Terry and Gretchen all living here. They all hug and kiss way too much, but I am getting better with this. (Lib's, you are laughing right now- I know it)
So let's get down to the nitty gritty. Friday night, dr. H called with my pathology report.
Right breast was clean
Two tumors were found in the left. One 2.5 cm, one 6mm
Both were highly aggressive grade III
DCIS was found surrounding both tumors- clearly how they started.
Clean margins we obtained all the way around- 8-12mm
* here is for the slight snafu as we are calling it...
While sentinal nodes we clear, " extensive lymphatic vascular tissue" was found within the left breast. So basically while the sentinal nodes are clear, other lymph were not.
Does this suck? Sure but again, I am on a path that I need / want to follow with the best possible outlook and attitude. (Who would have thought! ) Dr. H said that this just means the my oncologist will treat me very aggressively from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Which I will be using as reason to John that regular pedicures will be needed!:)
I can't tell you how much I am loving everyone's cards and gifts and emails and messages and Facebook posts! Please don't stop praying, as this is just the first hurdle of many and to be honest, I need you all.
Now for some highlights... Me falling asleep mid banana breakfast just after my Valium was given. Thank you John for not taking a picture even though you have assured me many times how much restraint it took for you not to. Dr. V coming in to see us and bringing flowers. When telling him thanks, he joked that he had just delivered a baby girl and grabbed it from the room on his way out and switched the welcome baby girl card. Still adore him way too much. My beautiful vase of flowers that came to the house yesterday from "my Target Family" thank you K and S (?) the are lovely and unnecessary but have provided John with proof that I am at Target waaaaay too much and Bill amd Melissa a ridiculous amount of ammunition for years to come. John has already told me that I shouldn't be sad, my Kohls flowers should be here soon and Melissa had sent a text asking if my Chipotle and Starbucks flowers have arrived. Comedians I tell you.
I miss the kids so much it hurts. But I also know I need to take advantage of the peace and quiet now. Ellie has been able to sneak over and give hugs. When she walked in on Friday, she just burst into tears. Just more proof that their fear is masked too. Just breaks my heart. Sarah got some hugs in yesterday and seems to actually be doing the best. She is very interested in the medical/ surgery part where Ellie wants nothing to do with it. I called over to talk with Henry and Margo yesterday and while Margo was at the store with uncle mark,I got to tal to a very tearful Henry. He wants to see me and come home and am I alright and he reeaalllllyyyy wants to come home! Ugh- while I know he is having a ridiculous amount of fun and lord knoews, I hope he is behaving, it just made me sob. Again, I know right now, these few days are imperitive for me to rest and heal, I again just miss them.
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