Thanksgivings new meaning...

I find it a bit humorous that on one hand I definitely have "chemo brain" and am amazed I can find my way to the bathroom, yet so often, my brain is constantly shuffling through the many blessings I/we have been given this year alone. I know how around thanksgiving, people say that we really should dedicate more than one day to be "thankful" for all of our blessings... And I can honestly say not only do I agree, but could not go through a day beating cancer without my constantly changing, running list of things, people, strangers, friends, family, saying, humor, websites, children etc. that I am SO very thankful for. Besides prayer, it is the top "thing" that keeps me grounded and positive. I have said and truly believe, the blessings bestowed upon our family FAR outweigh having to fight cancer.
Chemo #5 has been tenfold better than #4- I am happy to say. No walk in the park, mind you but tolerable. We had a later appointment time last Friday and didn't leave until almost dark. It really threw my timing. I had such horrible restless legs this time that they gave me 2 doses of Ativan. Which also helped calm my nerves which were sky high. Yet again, Melissa and Bill took the kids and have them again as of last night. Just no words for their friendship and love. No words worthy for what they have done for us. I am in tears just typing. How do you ever repay or even thank friends that love and care for your children completely like they are their own (even though Margo gets away with murder there) when you can't? Not just once, but for MONTHS now. Yesterday, when we decided that yet again, Melissa would pick the kids up from school and take them for the night so I could really rest for thanksgiving and Black Friday (my favorite day of the year with Melissa) I was just so deeply sad. Sad that I haven't seen the kids really since last Thursday. They were gone for the weekend and then had school. I hate that I feel like I can't contribute to their care but at the same time, am SO thankful for those that are caring for them. It will get better! My last chemo is scheduled for December, Friday the 13th... As many of you know, I am a numbers girl and find this date SO fitting for my last chemo.
Last Monday was a busy day. What should have been my roughest day, turned out to be better than I could have imagined. My friend/ sister Jil flew in from Wisconsin for Thanksgiving with her Dad/ my adoptive dad... We don't have time to go into all of that. :) and drove from Columbus for the night to visit. AND the stars lined up perfectly that other friends and I were supposed to go to The Pioneer Woman book signing that night so Jil could go too! We both love PW and feel that we should totally be invited to The Ranch. My heart was filled with such happiness to be able to go and be with 3 of my closest friends and actually enjoy a night out so close to having chemo.

I wish you all the happiest of Thanksgivings. Make your list of "thankfuls "and try to add to it daily. I promise you will be amazed how filled your heart will become.

Smooches, Kate 

Oh that power of prayer is amazing

Quick post as I am supposed to be getting ready for chemo #5 today. I will not lie, this is the first time I am nervous/scared. That last round was absolutely brutal and I am prepared to as Dr. W to throw every drug at me to help with the side effects. I am feeling pressure of many commitments next week that I SO want to be able to attend.

I can not express my gratitude for the prayers for our family and especially Henry. Since my last post, his attitude has been tenfold better and at least manageable! We went to see a specialist last night that helped Sarah at the beginning of this year and it was heartbreaking yet wonderful to see him interact with her. She is just a very special soul and just amazing at her job! He absolutely adored her. It broke my heart to hear him actually say that he is scared out loud because he doesn't want me to be sick, and that he thinks about it all the time and at school but at least he talked about it. I know we have a way to go but just putting a step forward in a positive way to help with the sadness and anger is huge. Thanks again! I don't know what John and I would do without this huge village supporting us! We are beyond thankful for all of you!

Forgetting how to parent...

Sorry for the lack of updates! It's good to be busy, but the result is my bedtime is usually about 30 seconds after the kids are tucked in.  I feel like our family life has been going like this... When it's good, it's really really good. But when it's bad, it's horrible. This is going to be an honest post that I just want documented not only for other mothers going through the same thing with littles but also so I can come back in months? Years? And remember that we survived.
I feel like I have forgotten how to actually parent. On one hand, I do feel guilty that the kids lives and schedules have been disrupted and their knowledge of sickness and cancer have increased tenfold. On the other, constant discipline that is needed at  this time is absolutely and completely exhausting. And I feel like I am losing the battle so to speak. It's mainly little things that are adding up. Talking back, bickering, kids constantly "poking the bear" as we like to call it. The older girls have taken on the unnecessary role of  mini-parenting Henry. As you can imagine, it bothers him and me! It is not necessary for them to know what color he got at school or did he eat all of his lunch or what homework he has.
Henry... He just needs some major prayers. He is having a very rough go at life right now- much to his own stubbornness. He is just angry. Mostly at me. The disrespectfullness and back talk and rudeness and stubbornness is at an all time high. I am fully aware that behind the anger is fear. Cancer sucks for everyone living it- not just for the person that has cancer. I am exhausted with fighting with him. I am sad that it is constant. I am sad that I have "caused" the extent of some or most of his anger. He has always been very successful at pushing my buttons, but he has promoted himself to CEO. He is going to start seeing someone to talk to and I just hope he can find an outlet other than his mother and family! Basketball should be starting for him soon also...
With all of this going on, I HAVE to put aside the guilt and stay strong on the discipline front. Plain and simple- we can't go for ice cream for everyone after only 1/2 have behaved.  I need to be able to step outside of  the cancer and stick to my guns.  Ugh... Exhausting.

Chemo #5 is this Friday. I am really trying to be "Polly positive" really, I am. BUT man that last one did me in. I was just so sick and down for such a longer amount of time than with the others. Please pray this one goes better! I have thanksgiving and Black Friday to attend!

There have been blessings the last couple of weeks- I promise. Cards when I really needed them. Pretty fall trees and big,fun tailgate party.  Margo's 4th birthday! Watching my children help each other. Even though it has been rougher than normal with them, just getting a glimpse of them peacefully sleeping or having fun, makes my heart hurt with my love for them.

Head thump...

I have been meaning to follow up from my last post but I have seriously been completely and utterly down and out until yesterday. Finally yesterday, I could function. Thinking ahead, I have been stressing about #5. Time wise, it would put me at feeling a bit better on Thanksgiving- IF I respond the same for the same amount of time. Then, I remember what happened after I wrote my last post. I felt so horrible and decided to read my Jesus Calling book. (Which I love beyond words!) This is what I read right after I posted...

What a wonderful reminder that I am NOT in charge here! God knows his plan for me and stressing about it only hurts myself and is really just a plain waste of energy. While I am typing this, I am also reminded of a talk with Fr. AJ after I was diagnosed and him telling me pretty much the exact same thing. While I am only human and am going to worry and am going stress about this roller coaster adventure I am on, reminders like the above are invaluable! 

I am thankful for being able to see and appreciate the signs all around.

Crashing waves...

This has been one rough day. Since Fridays chemo I felt... The same as all of the others. Tired, gross taste in my mouth, headache,slightly nauseous. Then this morning came and it was brutal. My head is pounding and the waves of nausea just won't stop. Nothing's happening of course as I haven't eaten anything. New hot flashes and tingly fingers have been added. I called in reinforcements (thank you!) and kids have been swept away to play and taken home from school, homework completed and a friend has brought dinner. As I lay here, unable to sleep, I am so incredibly grateful. Melissa and our friend Kelly broke in Friday during chemo, cleaned our house (you.have.no.idea...) and fixed up my basement craft table... (again, you.really.have.no.idea!)  Time to start the Christmas cards no? Melissa and Bill kept Margo since Halloween and Henry on Friday until yesterday! John has been from soccer tournaments and to basketball tournaments and work and doing the yard etc.

It really does take a village and for that I am so grateful for mine. 

Let's talk about 6 baby...

Sorry I have been MIA.... I bounced back pretty well and have been out and about. Like to a total of 8 soccer games and 2 basketball last weekend. We have another tournament for soccer this weekend for Sarah and John and both Sarah and Ellie have basketball tournaments starting tonight! The fun never ends. Last weekend, Sarah/Johns team supported us with surprise breast cancer socks and pink ribbons in their hair! As with Ellie's basketball team I am just in awe at the compassion of not only the girls parents, but the girls themselves. The support and friendship from them for our girls and really, our entire family just brings me to tears. Love them!

I am sitting here having chemo. I am feeling so incredibly blessed sitting here among other cancer patients. As I am often telling the kids, you never know about a person when you have never walked in their shoes. Don't judge!
John and I had the big 4 or 6 discussion with Dr. W today. He has agreed with us that we can go for 6!!!!!! I keep laughing how pathetically happy I am with this decision but I honestly don't think I could ever forgive myself if God forbid, the cancer returns and I had only completed 4 rounds. There is just too high of a risk for triple negative cancer to return. Please pray for smooth sailing and uncomplicated rounds!
Last Saturday, we also had The Wordeman Fall Family picnic! SO fun to see many friends and family I haven't seen in a while. Yet another blessing- laughter really can be the best medicine!