Monday, December 29, 2014

Hello stranger...

Well, my only excuses are: Christmas is COMING! And chemo, and laundry and 4 children and well Thanksgiving and decorating for Christmas (with 100% help from Margo) and Jerry arrived!
I have many updates: My scan right before chemo was...fine yet slightly confusing. In both my neck and sternum, I had lymph nodes that were larger and smaller. Only me! So Dr. Miller and I agreed to let the larger and smaller cancel each other out and move forward with the same chemo I had been receiving. so this would be my third round. My "sore" throat thankfully isn't cancer but a side effect of the chemo. So you will all have to deal with me clearing my throat constantly.


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And this is where I was kicked out of my own Google account because they were telling me my 12 year olds Google account for school was the admin and I was not allowed ONMYOWNACCOUNTANDBLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Literally until now... Thank you Dan from Google.


I am SO sorry!!!!!


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So I need to catch everyone up on everything. But now, there is so much to catch up on, we need to just go with a bulleted list.
  • We have had so many wonderful moments talking with friends and family about all of the funny and neat things that happened during the benefit. If anyone has pictures, would you please share them with me?
  •  Since my chemo, (see above) my throat seems to be much better but I have had other complications- Shortly after chemo, I began to have pain on my right side. Like so many other things, it was hard to describe and was only when I was laying down. When it kept getting worse to the point I could not sleep and would wake me up when I did get to sleep, I went to my primary doc here.
  • We were all thinking it was a kidney infection yet worried that it might be the liver tumors causing problems.
  • Kidney infection was ruled out so onto another CT scan of my liver - Tuesday 12/9
  • Amazingly and THANKFULLY while we have no idea what is causing the pain, we found out that my liver tumors have SHRUNK by 80%!!!!!!!!!!!! From cm to mm!!!
  • After that news, I really didn't care why I had pain in my side. (slightly kidding)
  • I just kept trying to make sure I was staying hydrated and prepping for Christmas and other festivities kept my mind off of it. Oh and Dr. M prescribed some pain pills... :)
  • I also started with a HUGE rash that was deemed an allergic reaction to my chemo.
  • Hence starting my first round of steroids that make me jittery and crazy (Yes John, crazier than I already am)
  • After finishing my first round, the rash started to come back AND I started with this weird swelling and redness on my feet and hands- yet another "common" reaction to my lovely chemo.
  • The feet and hands thing has really been bad. It is like my feet- tops, sides and ankles have been burned. The same for my hands but not as extreme. I suggest you all buy stock in Eucerin cream...
  • Started on second round of steroids... This has helped for the rash and a little for the feet/hand situation.
  • I am afraid that with these complications, Dr. M is going to want to move onto another chemo which is a double edged sword- while I don't want to have to deal with the toxicity of this chemo, I also have proof that it at least is working on shrinking the cancer in my liver.
  • I don't go back to Indy until 1/7- so please pray that what ever path is chosen is the best one for me.


So sorry to have to stop here! I was expecting to be able to completely catch up- HA this is how I feel about all of our laundry too!


I hope everyone had a joyous Christmas filled with much love and laughter.


Smooches, Kate

Monday, November 24, 2014

Winner! Winner! Chicken Dinner!

Oh. My. Goodness.  What a night. I am still trying to process it all. I know we are all praying for a miracle for me but... I just keep going back to looking out at all of you and thinking it will be ok... SO much love there. Just amazing.  I really want to write more thoughts on the night but we need to get down to business on the basket winners! Could you even believe the baskets!?!? I have never seen anything more incredible -one after the next!  Here are pictures of the winners numbers.  If your lucky number is on the list AND you still have your stub, please email Melissa Riehle and we will arrange a pick up.

M.riehle@fuse.net

Friday, November 21, 2014

Patience is a Virtue

Good morning- well, it actually ISNT a very good morning for me because my Keurig is officially dead, gone, kaput. Since I needed to get on here and update, I just wanted to warn you that I am doing so without ANY coffee in my system. Frightening, I know.


Ok, so about patience. If you are coming to the benefit, we need to talk. I can't believe how much we are loved! OR you all have heard about all of the UNBELIEVABLE prizes and baskets and food and music and fun. I honestly think it will be an unforgettable night and am so blessed and honored to have such an amazingly talented group of friends.


Again, patience... and honesty... It's going to be crazy and parking will be a little...um...nutty since we have recently learned that St. Gertrude will also be having a WEDDING taking place in the church at 6:00 pm also. That's a lot of people parking and trying to figure out where they are going at the same time. Patience is a virtue!


We have a solution! Multiple solutions actually! Madeira Middle School, Madeira Swim Club AND Indian Hill Swim Club are all allowing you to park in their lots!! There will also be a very helpful police officer directing traffic and pointing you in the right direction. All three places are very close to St. Gertrude and accessible.


Thank you all SO much for understanding and being patient! It is going to be an unforgettable evening.




We are again just so blessed. See you TOMORROW!


St. Gertrude
7630 Shawnee Run Road
(corner of Shawnee Run and Miami)


Madeira Middle School
6612 Miami Avenue


 Madeira Swim Club
6580 Miami Avenue


Indian Hill Swim Club
7585 Shawnee Run Road


Smooches, Kate

Thursday, November 13, 2014

I take it back

And just this morning I was crying and so in love with him. Then he brings this home from school. Naughty bean...

Finding...

It's finding things like this that just make me sob. Love my kids so much.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Going once...going twice...

Hello! I have to confess I am sitting alone in the car (ahh the quiet ) only because I told the kids that if they let me write "an email," I would make them pizza bites. Which means I have about 4.2 seconds  before they all start to get squirrely.

I really don't want to pressure anyone about our benefit that is just around the corner, but I also know that SO many friends and family have put an incredible amount of time, energy  and love into something that is guaranteed to be such a fantastic night. So in doing so, I just wanted to remind everyone that the absolute deadline to have your spot mailed into Melissa is THIS Saturday. Everyone has been so busy organizing food and drink and unbelievable baskets (that I don't even get to really know about!)
But they need to have a final number...

As always, thank you just isn't enough....
We are unbelievably blessed.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

My patience level is maxed

Ugh! I have just lost TWO huge blog posts and am ready to cry. I have a cold and sore throat. Our alternator pretty much fell out onto 275 where I lost power steering and every alarm possible was going off. Our computer had a virus and is still in the computer hospital. Ellie fell down our stairs Thursday and we thought broke toes or her foot but really just disgustingly hyper extended all of her toes...think about it-eew. I can't catch up on anything- I owe so many people emails and just haven't gotten to them! I will soon! Promise. Now, while sitting in my favorite Coffee Please, was trying to catch up on everything electronic, the iPad completely froze and I lost everything. WAAH!

Now the day is catching up to me and I have to say until tomorrow. So sorry.

Smooches, Kate

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Catch up

 Let's yet again catch up.
Nashville was just so fun. Just everything about it was fun and relaxing. Moving rooms in the hotel because our shower would not work. The hotel was very pretty and a block away from all of the nightlife. We heard some really fun bands, stayed up too late and drank a bunch o beer.


I am happy to say that soccer and basketball are finishing up. I am VERY sad to say the next round will immediately be starting. Indoor soccer for Henry and Sarah, basketball for Henry and Sarah, volleyball for Sarah and play practice for Ellie (more on that later) It is just too much. I am the only one in our family to feel this way but we need to cut back. We need true family time that we are missing out on. I am afraid in the long run, this fast pace running will be regretted. Nothing is being accomplished on my part 100%  I am a hamster on a wheel and I don't like it.

John and I went to Indy to see Dr. M yesterday and also have chemo. She seemed more please with the size of my tumor than I am. So we are staying with the red chemo from last time. There were some mix ups with scheduling and the day turned into a long day of waiting and then trying to  adjust the children's schedules since we were not going to get home at a normal time. The chemo went well and we just need to pray that I have minimal side effects and that we can keep the tumors  stable.

I am trying to really enjoy this fall weather and appreciate the little things. We are hopefully going to try and carve pumpkins tonight before our two basketball tournament games. Wish me luck.

Yet again, my blog time is up. I have so many things that I need/want to say but again, need to slow down to complete them. One of these days! Thank you so much for your constant prayers. They are more helpful than you can imagine.

Smooches

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Humble pie...

After so much work,more emails than I can image and the first of many meetings, this came to fruition today. On one hand, I think it is beautiful. On another, it's just so surreal that this is for me, for us. It is just so very humbling and very hard to put into words. I am still in amazement at all the crazy amount of love and prayer just for one crazy girl and one silly family. People are good.



Saturday, October 18, 2014

Sometimes you just need to buck up...

Good morning from an incredibly comfortable bed in the heart of downtown Nashville ,Tennessee. As we have found that I am getting pretty great at " let's get the heck out of Dodge," John and I decided to run away to Nashville for the weekend. No children, no friends, no family, just us. We have only been here about 14 hours and have had such a wonderful time. Our drive was full of good music and happy chatter. There was a little bit (a lot) of traffic and construction that forced John to drive like Bill and me to use my invisible break pedal but all in all we are happy and really enjoying this very unusual alone time together. We celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary on the 14th with John taking Ellie to a very late basketball game and me panicking I was getting a sore throat, (manically shoving the kids gummy vitamins and vitamin C bears into my mouth) and asleep before they even got back from the game.

People are asking how I am doing. My best response is "physically, I am doing pretty well, mentally? Meh..." I kind of feel like I am just coming up from being underwater. Needing to take that big breath to possibly have to go under again. I can speak about what is going on some of it just fine but you ask me about the children or John be prepared for tears. * Sorry Mr.M at conferences last Thursday! I am sure my very teary therapy session/conference will be one for your books.

I woke up the other morning and my first thought was "oh crap we are going to be late." And the second was " this is it! You have got to buck up! " Because even when you're " underwater " life keeps moving. Very early on in this so called adventure, Ellie drew/colored me a quote that I have in our bedroom and look at everyday "Courage is fear that has said its prayers" man have I looked at that sign a lot lately! So, I'm trying to do my best to buck up a bit. The Fall colors are beautiful. The children received wonderful scores and complements at their conferences- #lovethatschool
and I need to get my act together when I get home and hopefully get our Halloween decorations out so the kids stop begging for the obnoxious screaming ghost that has motion sensors- Big thanks to grandma and grandpa for that one!
Again, thank you for your prayers. Your cards. Your texts. Your emails. Your comments on here and Facebook. They honestly are what's keeping me above the water! Don't stop. Off to enjoy some Nashville with my sweetie! Life is still good.



Sunday, October 12, 2014

Hectic numbness...

I have to laugh because I was so determined to finally post something this morning while the house is still quiet, I no sooner typed the title and all of a sudden, there is a very sweet little named Margo that has just climbed into bed with me.
People ask how I am doing. Physically, this chemo has been kind so far. I am tired but able to ignore it. My stomach is "off" but am still eating normally. I am still able to have coffee in the morning which is how I gauge my level of illness. :)
Mentally, I pretty much can self diagnose- a big hot mess. I am crying or completely on the verge of tears constantly. The children know that the cancer is back and that I have had to move to another chemo. But that is it. John and I need to sit down and talk to decide how to proceed but our crazy schedules have honestly prevented it so far. And the fact that we are just a mess and numb by the path our life is taking. It can only be described as a huge, ginormous brick wall standing a foot in front of us. We can't see where it ends on the top or in either direction and the though of trying to figure out a plan to get past it is just too much. So we stand...
I again can't fully put into words how much your prayers have helped. They are so desperately needed and wanted. Thank you. Please keep them coming. So many cards and texts and calls. Thank you I love them but to be completely honest, I just can't respond right now. Please don't think they go unseen or unappreciated- they don't!  Many I have read multiple times, I am just not in the "place" where I can speak freely about everything (anything) going on right now. One because the children are always with me and two, when I do try, the floodgates open and I am afraid one of these times, I won't be able to get them to stop. Right now, we are just really really overwhelmed and are asking for prayers and more prayers. Trust me, it's ok that you don't know what to say or do- neither do we!!
So let's all pray together. Pray for the ability to communicate. Pray for health for all of us as we are getting into this germy season of snotty noses. Pray for little to no complications of my chemo. Pray that it is working to stabilize the growth of these rumors! Please pray for the Faith, Wisdom and Grace to get us over, under or through this brick wall- I am thankful it takes a village. John and I LOVE that you are our village.

Smooches, Kate

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Silence among the crazy...

This is going to be a rough post. I can only warn you that it will be raw and sad since that is how I am right now. Let's not beat around the bush. Last week at Gs funeral, I was starting to feel more puffyness in my neck and tumor. It was becoming achy again and even John could feel a difference. So Friday, I again made a few calls and bought myself a lovely CT scan of the neck, chest and abdomen. By Friday evening, we were told that yes, my lymph tumors were growing but the new horrible news is that I now have tumors in my liver. The Clinical trial drug is no longer working. From August 18 (my scans that were stable) to the week of September 20 my cancer yet again outsmarted the meds and my body.  What a jerk.
To be painfully honest, I am a complete and utter mess. I just can't believe it again? So soon? I have been silent to so many because I can't even speak the circumstances out loud for fear of completely losing in front of the children and not being able to stop. I know my emotions are so raw right now, I am not only scaring myself but many close friends. But I just can't say the next steps or what this means out loud. Sweet Dr.M did say what it means time wise for me in her very kind direct hand holding way and hearing it out loud was crushing for everyone in the room. Just air sucked out of the room crushing is the only way I can explain it.
Now, trust me, I don't want to be a statistic and yes I absolutely want to live a long full life and I am NOT giving up by NO means. I just think that we all need to be on the same page and just know, I have a very aggressive type of cancer that not many have so even though Dr. M said we have many options to use and we will use them until we run out of options or my body just can't handle the options. But again, like the other reoccurrences, I somehow feel guilty. Like I am letting my family down. Like I am letting you down. Like I am letting myself down. I know it's not true but that is what I keep feeling. So moving forward, I am going to try and not let that happen. I can't stiffle my pain of disappointing you all because all it did was delay extra prayers that we desperately need now and in the coming months.
The infusion center couldn't get me in yesterday to have chemo while we were already there unfortunately. So after a very painfully silent ride home, John and I turned around and left early this morning back to IU for my new chemo. It is usually called  "The Red Devil" because of how it acts and looks but supposedly, since I will only be receiving it once a month, it shouldn't be too bad...

Ok, I keep losing this picture so,it's time to say goodnight.
Smooches, Kate

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Selfish...

It has been a week of... I can't quite put my finger on it. I am feeling very self centered and I am mad about it. I have been praying for this self centered focus to turn around. My friend Guiseppa passed away and her funeral was on Thursday. I was a mess. I feel so guilty that every part of it from the music to the readings I just kept putting myself "there" instead of her. I was just so painfully sad for her family and friends and knowing G, she would have been annoyed with me and said " ok, enough put a smile on your face, say a prayer and buck up."
I am letting little things get to me. Things people say, things I read, rude people driving (whymustyougosofast?) inconsiderate people that can't hold a door for you or say thank you when you (or my children) do. It all adds up to crabby and we all know time spent like that just is a big waste. I am praying for a new week of gratitude!

I want to focus on some really good blessings from this week also. They are abundant and not hard to find.

* Yet again for Melissa who only knew Guiseppa through me yet left a school commitment and slid right into the pew next to me at her funeral. No words needed, just such an amazing selfless friend that just knows...So many times I feel like I just suck energy from her and she keeps letting me! I did buy her lunch this week though - well I used a gift card 😄

* For friends that thought of John and myself  and invited us to the Reds game. Although they lost 5-0 sigh... It was a beautiful night to sit with them minus kids, have a beer and laugh - and a great view of Chris Heiseys...moving on...

* For my sister-in-law to come to our crazy house to watch the children, finish homework and put them to bed so we could go to the Reds Game.

* For my friend Ann taking Margo this week knowing it has been a rough one.

* For Henry's teacher, oh my goodness we are yet again so blessed for certain people in our lives and again I am so grateful especially for Henry and Sarahs teachers last year, I am again feeling that God has placed Henry with such a special teacher this year also. While crying all the way to Gs funeral, I was trying to pull myself together in the church parking lot and was reading emails as a diversion. It was there I first read such a fantastic response email from Sister MN. She is just a beautiful person inside and out. Let's just say if her email had been written "old school " with pen and paper, it would look tattered, crumpled and tear stained I have read it so many times.

* For doctors and nurses working together for me. I had a 4 month check up with my beloved Dr. H. Her kindness and loving spirit is just incredible. For her nurse M who comes in just to check on me and chat- I am sorry I gave you a hug in just my bra but I was so excited to see you. Also for Dr. M- man the feeling that she "has my back and best interest" is very comforting.

* For ridiculously generous friends getting together and putting money into a new Katebeatingcancer account that has been set up in preparation for some kind of benefit happening who knows when. I just don't have words...

* For friends checking in on me and not giving up when I don't or just can't call or text back right now-thank you

Off to our 5 soccer and basketball games today. Also grateful for gorgeous weather!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

This crazy life I don't want to change...

Well, there are some things I would change. Like adding a good 4 hours to my day and more patience, and less stress, and less homework. Just like everyone right? To say we have started school and are off to the races is such an understatement! But besides the fact that I am getting dinner on the table an hour later than I want and getting kids (and myself) in bed an hour + later than I want, I am trying to stop myself from complaining. Our life is crazy right now and as exhausting as it is, I really don't want it to change that much. I am really trying to soak it in. The past couple of weeks, one of my first cancer friends so to speak has really taken a turn for the worst and has entered into hospice because honestly and unfortunately, her options have run out. I met her through the Cancer Family Care Center and she has helped me throughout this year with many things including introducing me to other "cancer friends."  She has an incredible husband and a 6 year old son whom I know she would do anything for... She also has a wonderful Faith and trust in God and has been a really nice example to me and many. I have spent so much time while driving and doing laundry and homework etc. praying for her and her family this week. Selfishly, it is also hitting very close to home. That will be me some day. Hopefully a long, long time from now but still... Let's just say, my emotions have been raw. While there is always something needing to be done around here, this week I purposefully tried to stop and think when Margo wanted me to read her some books, I did. When Henry wanted to explain his very elaborate Lego house or excitedly talk about the baby chicks hatching at school, I listened. Not all of the time unfortunately but it is something that I feel like I must focus on right now.

Fall is in the air and I love it. While I love Summer and the heat and sun, Fall is my favorite season. Windows open, sweatshirt and shorts, a million and one acorns dropping from our giant oak tree hitting the tin roof of our porch sounding like gunshots, kids crying in the morning that they are freezing- haha. I so need to get out our decorations in between many, many soccer and basketball games and practices.

John has been working non stop. As a friend put it so well yesterday, his schedule has just been a "perfect storm" of insanity. He has left for work at 4 in the morning for over a week, come home exhausted, left again to coach soccer or basketball and then has come home to do more work. * John has literally just walked in from church to tell me that this week will be no different. Ugh... He works selflessly so hard for this family and truly does not get enough recognition or praise from me or his work. Another thing to work on.

Please pray for us this week. Also for my friend Guiseppa and her family.


Saturday, August 23, 2014

Leap of Faith...

Good news from Wednesday! Scans showed tumors are stable. We are all very pleased and the plan is to stay on track with the clinical trial. I will have more scans in 8weeks(!) and also won't see Dr. M for 8 weeks (!!) John and I were waiting in the exam room for a longer period of time than we have had to wait before and both of us were letting our thoughts go to very negative places. It is hard not to. After Dr. M came in and told us the good news and that she is very happy with the scans, I felt so guilty. How could I have doubted God and his plan?! Why did I doubt Gods plan for me!? Yes, it is SO easy to do. It is SO easy and tempting to go down "that" path. Even with negative news that I know will eventually come, I have to trust Him. I have to have Faith and realize that I have never had total control over my lifes path. It's funny how when faced with something serious like cancer, you start looking at your life and working on things like Faith and trust when in reality, God has been guiding you since you were born. Yes, incorrect decisions have been made, yes paths have been taken that you look back on and either laugh, cry or just plain shake your head (um hello driving my 79 Volkswagen Dasher named Bob in corn fields outside Toledo in the middle of the night-you accomplices know who you are :) DM,RB,PPF,ES,MM,AA,BD ahem LOVE them all.)For now, I am grateful. Grateful that things are going our way so to speak. But it has also been a slight wake up call that I still need to believe that GOD has my back and that of my family. This is their path too. It is so humbling yet easier to accept and understand that my friends and family have my back. That your prayers are ongoing and clearly being heard. I need to focus more on trusting God at all times-good results or not. 
 

In doing so, I also need to realize that this leap of Faith isn't just accomplished alone. Like climbing a cliff and jumping off - yes those are our kids in Canada and yes, we allowed them to do this,YES I only could watch and take pictures once and it gave me instant diarrhea. But in looking at these pictures I also see everyone working together, helping each other climb toward their goal of leaping into the water. I see happiness in their accomplishment too. Just like I need to do with Gods plan for me. And I like climbing that cliff, I can't do it without all of you and am SO grateful you are helping me climb this cliff called life.

The children started back to school Wednesday. I can't believe I have a 7th, 5th, and 2nd grader (and a pre-schooler still sleeping) I am so excited for them. I am so happy for them to return to the loving halls of St. Gertrude's. We have all missed seeing friends and teachers. 

 
* Something is wrong with Blogger and is driving me crazy but I need to just post this as is and get to chores! Also, it won't let me go up and edit that we have one more part of my scans being read and will have results next week but are hoping and praying that those results will keep us moving forward as planned.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Another welcomed escape...

Hello! We are in the van on our last leg of our Canadian journey and I am risking the data overage to update.  I have missed writing and need to try and focus on getting organized and making it a priority.  
We have completed our "vacationpalooza" as John likes to call it on an island off Sioux Narrows, Ontario in Canada. We were invited by our best friends parents whom we love dearly. After spending a week with our 4 and their 4 grandchildren AND Bill,Melissa , John and myself , they may never be the same. The island is solar and generator powered. No TV. No Wifi. One outhouse (double seater as you can see by these crazy fools)
  and a composting toilet inside the cabin that is genius in my opinion.#butIneverhadtocleanitout Lots of card and game playing. Some arguing and squabbling but LOTS of laughter(see above...ahem). It was an amazing experience that I am honestly still trying to absorb.
At one point a week ago Friday, when as expected, I am frantically trying to get packed and ready for this trip, I truly contemplated the reality show Naked and Afraid might be onto something. Unpredictable weather, as far North than we have ever been, a laundry facility that consisted of some soap, a rock and a lake made packing for 6 a bit stressful. We were fine on clothing and are coming back with bags of dirty laundry and in need of some serious behind the ears scrubbing but happy. In packing, I forgot my camera charger but thought my backup battery would hold me for the week. I made it one day with my regular battery and my backup was dead. Very upsetting to say the least as you all know how I LOVE my camera. I made do with our phone cameras and Mr. R used his and I know that he has many fantastic pictures for me.
The kids spent their days starting with Mr. R making pancakes, bacon or sausage, putting on life jackets (a rule anytime you left the deck of the cabin for Margo, Henry and Ben, or for everyone out exploring in the evenings) and out on the island exploring. Swimming, fishing off the docks, catching more fish, frogs and crayfish than I could ever count, playing some extremely heated games of BS, hearts and crazy 8s. Everyday also consisted of  Mr. R and or Bill taking a boat(s) out with a group of kids (and John) fishing for Pike, Walleye or Muskie. We ended up with a couple of  fresh from the boat fish dinners and some very proud kids.
 I am so thankful not only to have this experience as a family, but to again have one with our best friends. To see a part of  the country that God made so breathtakingly beautiful has been such an incredible blessing.




To say we hit the ground running this week is an understatement. We are actually racing home now to try and make Ellie's championship basketball game at St. Gerts. Tomorrow I have my first official scan since the start of the clinical trial and go see Dr. M in Indy Wednesday for blood work and results. I feel tired but good and really can't complain about any side effects I am having as they are a million times more tolerable than any other chemo. I have been on. Unfortunately, this also comes with a huge amount of second guessing of the what ifs. Cancer surely keeps your mind constantly playing the what next game.
The girls have already started basketball and now we shall add soccer for 4- even Margo although she says she will play but will NOT kick the ball. School begins this Wednesday! I just can't believe it. Oh the many things needing to be completed between now and then. Please pass the paper bag for me to breathe into! John rightfully is not looking forward to returning to work and is also coaching Sarah's soccer and assisting with her basketball. Yes, I know it is crazy but again I refuse to not give our children the "out" they need and use to let out their worries and frustrations. Those fields and courts are essential for them.
Well, since starting this post, we have- made 2 emergency tinkle stops for Henry, (one with many tears, yelling and frustration all around) traveled many miles (some in rain, now in sun) with me only slamming on my invisible brake a handful of times and have inhaled Arby's with a 3 Tums chaser.
We are so thankful God has provided us with safe travels this far and have about 3 more hours before we see home sweet home. If only John would quit chomping and cracking his gum... :)

Life is good.

Smooches, Kate

Friday, August 15, 2014

Pretty view eh?

We are still enjoying Canada.  Back to blogging next week. Scans on Monday, results in Indy Wednesday.  Prayers appreciated!

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Learning to have Faith...

Hello! Hello! I owe everyone big apologies! My silence hasn't necessarily been purposeful but the few minutes I have had to write, I just am finding it hard to find the right words.
Let's go waaaaaay back to my last post. Sigh... I guess it is just what I am going to feel the rest of my life. Because the reality is, eventually, one treatment will stop working and I will begin another. So I just need to be realistic that this is going to happen. I just really don't like that little black cloud that I always seem to be running from.
So after my last post, I....um....wenttohiltonheadwithmelissaandourchildren...
Literally that night. I have to be honest. It felt wonderful to again be running from reality-to a beach no less! But I also felt horribly guilty. John was very mad-and I will leave it at that.
We had such a fun time with all of Melissa's family down there. The entertainment and laughter factor was at an all time high. We are so blessed to know and love her family- crazy Eddie and all.

The drive both ways by myself was hard and stupid. I just don't have it in me like I used to. I was remembering all of my times when I was much younger just going to the cottage in Michigan or Chicago on a complete whim, or even Toledo in one day just to say hi and get a hug from Dave and Ann (my sudo parents growing up) I need to acknowledge my limits and be honest with myself.

Returning from HHI, we hit the ground running. Ellie and Sarah  were to be at Xavier all week. One for basketball camp one for soccer. Sunday night Sarah woke up with a high fever and horrible headache that sadly lasted through her 10th (!) birthday on Tuesday.  Poor Sarah, she is just a kind and thoughtful girl that just seems to get jipped often. But again, have to feel blessed that not only did Xavier refund our money but also for our friends that happily hauled Ellie back and forth from her camp.  During this week, John and I went to see Dr. M. My next felt better than the week before but still achy. I am cautiously happy to say that our visit was short and sweet! Dr. M really thinks things are moving along well. She can feel a difference in my next and thinks that the pain and aching is/was from me fighting something off (hello germs in our house) or that we are "making the bugger mad." I will take either. She didn't see the need to order scans early so we are staying on track to have scans here on the 18th of August and see her on the 20th. To be honest, while this is probably the best news we have had walking out of IU to date, we were both more humbled than dancing for joy. It's hard not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I must work on this. I must have complete Faith that this is Gods plan.

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*It has taken me three days to write the above post! Ridiculous I know.
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Ahem.... Soon after, Ellie took her turn being sick while I was on my once a year, very fun, extremely therapeutic, full of gut wrenching laughter girls weekend that actually hasn't happened for a few years.

I adore them all so much! Anne...you were fiercely missed.



Again, thank you so much for my prayers and for checking in on me during silence. I will try and post more as we all know I am never at a lack for words!






Monday, July 14, 2014

Cancerversary...

One year give or take a week. One year that at times has flown by at a frighteningly scary speed. One year that at times, could only be taken minute by minute. One year of incredible tears and laughter. One year that has changed my life more than a marriage proposal or any pregnancy test. All because of some stupid ass cells that just won't go away.

I look back at pictures of our impromptu Hilton Head trip and although I love so many of them, I now look at them and think " those people had no idea what was to come." All of it filled with friends, family, laughter, tears, anger and much prayer. Although incredibly overwhelming, the out pouring of love and prayers and gifts and cards and hugs are the things that get our whole family through this journey day by day, minute by minute. We are still so, so grateful and humbled.

I am in a bit of a funk. I don't think the clinical trial is working. I am having increased achy pain at the tumor site near my collarbone. It has only been a little over 2 weeks since I started, but am in a quandary on how long to give it. Since I am having minimal to no side effects, I selfishly don't want to raise the white flag and have to start on another chemo that I can almost guarantee will drop me to my knees with side effects. This balance of time vs cancer meds is frustrating and honestly maddening.

 While again, I refuse to stress out over something I have no control over, I am angry. Angry that my body just can't figure out how to work with the chemo and stop or even slow the cancer. Angry that every twinge I feel, I question what it is or could be. Angry that any answer to these questions will likely result in some sort of scan that will cost thousands. Angry that my body has consumed more drugs in the last year than my entire life and none of them have worked. I am angry that I find myself unable to plan for any time in the future. Talk of a vacation with a group of friends next summer pretty much brought me to tears the other day. Because I am not going to plan/ dream of something like that with my children only to have us all incredibly disappointed. All because of ME mind you. This is also why I am liking the " let's just go right now" theory that is pushing John over the edge. I have many plans for the future but am angry that they all end in well but...

I know this mind set will change. It has to. But I also feel like I have a right to feel it and express it.

Rant over.


Sunday, July 6, 2014

Quick check in... ***now with pictures

John has been teasing me that I am becoming  a "professional vacationer"  The children and I spent last week in Michigan for my "Dads" memorial service. ( more on that later)
 

 We again had wonderful weather and fantastic company. The only problem is that it hasn't stopped! We hit the ground running from the moment we returned late Thursday evening and haven't stopped. I feel it all catching up to me but I have a date with Henry today at the Reds game and we are both very excited.

I have been taking my giant chemo pills for 9 days and am SO thankful my side effects have been minimal! I just hope and pray they are working. This was my daily devotion on my first day of the pills. Just amazing.

 

I go back to IU on the 23rd for a check up and blood work and then will have scans 4 weeks after that unless I am having issues before that.
I apologize for the lack of updates and feel like I have so many stories I want documented on here but they will have to wait for another day. My date needs me to find his shirt! :)




Sunday, June 22, 2014

I would like one order of a clinical trial please...


So... Let's just jump right in...

My CT scan showed an increase in both mediastinal and supraclavicular tumors. The Carboplatin isn't working. Onto plan... D? I am enrolling in a clinical trial at IU. The required brain MRI and abdominal and pelvic CT happily showed nothing! All a blessing on many levels. I am still waiting to hear about the EKG but am hopeful that will be ok also. John and I are going to IU on Wednesday to see Dr. M, get the new chemo drug that is in pill form and ask a brazillion questions. People are asking if I am "ok" I really am. This is yet another bump in the road. As I said before, I will not stress out over something I have no control over. This is where Faith comes in-I have it and am just praying it keeps growing instead of the cancer!
Please pray this drug is "the" answer for me. Pray for little side effects. Pray for John and the children that they too have Faith that not only will this drug help keep the cancer from growing but that for right now, it really is just a bump in this road we are on together.







Thursday, June 19, 2014

Florida Fun, a curve ball and thankful Thursday...

We left for Longboat Key on the evening of Thursday June 5th. After driving through the night and most of the day Friday, I am completely convinced I am officially too old to drive anywhere through the night. It took a lot out of me. John is still convinced it is the way to go. The children were SO wonderful not only on our long car rides, but the entire time we were gone. I have yet to even download my hundreds of pictures to show you and am going to wait to tell you the entire story of our week until I do. But it was wonderful. Simply wonderful.

Yesterday was a scheduled chemo day in Indy. My sister in laws were my "peeps." One took me and the other took the kids...I'm not really sure who picked the short straw on that one. :)
Throughout this last week, I have been having that achy pain in my neck near my tumor sight that I had been having when the whole cancer part 2 started. I kept going back and forth on whether or not the tumor felt bigger or was the same. Dr. M felt that the tumor was the same but I did have swelling around and above it. Now, this could be from lugging kids and bags and carts to and from the beach and pool everyday. Or it could be from kayaking. Or it could be from the kayaking tour we took where a scary, ginormous storm came out of no where and we were paddling our brains out in waves,wind and rain to get out of the Sarasota bay and onto shore. (Total story coming on that one)
So... I am now waiting on another CT scan to be scheduled today or tomorrow to see if my instincts are correct and we need to move onto plan... Geez, what plan am I on? D?
While I was in Indy yesterday, in preparation of plan D, I did sign up for a clinical trial. One of its requirements is a brain MRI. Dr. Ms nurse was so nice and got me into the MRI while I was already there. So instead of chemo, I got to see if I even have a brain in my head! Results are still pending. :)

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Thankful Thursday....
I have SO many things to be thankful for...some are impossible to really put into words.

My favorite part of our trip probably was having John off work and with us for over a week. I am so happy he was able to relax and have fun with us. He works so hard for our family and many don't realize that even when he walks in the door at night, he is still talking many calls, putting out fires and preparing for the next day seven days a week.
I am so thankful for the Wellington foundation to gift us with this opportunity. Without it, we wouldn't have had the experience we did as a family. If you find yourself with some extra pocket change or an extra vacation home anywhere that you would be willing to give another family an experience like we had, PLEASE donate to them. I not only am very humbled by what they do, but have also made a wonderful friend in the process. (Hi Lisa!)
I am thankful for Dr. M... I have complete trust that she has my health and life in her best interest. She not only is sharp as a whip, but also believes in me and what I am feeling. For that I am unbelievably grateful.
I am so grateful to God right now. While this could be a either a major or minor bump in the road, I have complete trust and FAITH He is right next to me. We all may not like this bump in the road, but  I refuse to stress out or be angry at something I have no control over. I honestly believe God has my best interest at heart and while I may not like the outcome, I am choosing to trust and listen to Him.


More to come!

Smooches

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Yusko Family prayers

It is with such a tearful, heavy heart that I ask you to pray for this wonderful family. Nora's Aunt and Uncle are very good friends of ours and I have learned so much from this faith filled family. The Yuskos have been incredible role models in Christ not only to myself, but to thousands of people. Please pray that they will still know and feel Gods immense love for them -especially now.

http://noraroseyusko.com



https://www.http://noraroseyusko.com.com/groups/231661623601433/?fref=nf


Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Saint filled friends

I know there are so many people supporting us right now that haven't been mentioned but please don't feel I am "skipping over" you or that your gifts and prayers mean less but I want to tell you about a gift I received last week that besides extremely looking forward to our vacation to Florida (we leave a week from Thursday! Squeal!) this gift is giving me incredible strength!
The short story is... Last week, my friend Amy and I met for coffee (gets me every time!) and she brought with her a gift from many of my favorite St. Gertrude mommas. Amy contacted many and they all got me their favorite Saint medals! Amy received so many, that I now have more than enough Saint medals for a necklace AND bracelet! These wonderful mommas also wrote me beautiful cards telling me why they chose the Saint(s) for me. LOVE! I can't tell you how much this means to me! It has given me such strength and an extra boost of Faith! I have been meaning to take a picture of them and the cards but have not had a chance. Thank you Amy! Again God is putting some amazing women/friends in my path. I am very blessed.
Speaking of strength, tomorrow is my third round of chemo (chemo 2.3) and I am asking for prayers please. Prayers that the anxiety I am already feeling will subside. Prayers that Dr. M will have the wisdom to know what anti-nausea meds to use next and that they WORK! Prayers for John to have the patience and strength to deal with a sick wife and 4 rowdy kids just starting Summer vacation. Prayers that the virus I had last week hasn't totally knocked out my immune system amd that my bloodwork is ok to even have chemo tomorrow.

Smooches, Kate


Friday, May 23, 2014

Happy and proud...

Yes, I have again missed Thankful Thursday... But truthfully, it is because of the many happenings from this past week have been so wonderful and uplifting, I am finding it hard to properly put my feelings to words.
Let's start with a week ago Thursday.
A fantastic surprise from our very good friends. New softball shirts designed by friends, purchased by my favorite tool and die company. For an impromptu gathering at Frickers ( kids eat free and yes, they probably lose money on us with all of our kids...but we all really try to make it up in beer!)because of a softball rain out, we all had a wonderful time. I really didn't turn a corner until that Tuesday and having our good friends surprise both John and myself that night did wonders for my mental and physical status!




Saturday, unexpectedly turned into one of the most memorable days and nights of my life. Our friend Jim- also, our best friends brother, was ordained a priest! While I have always felt lucky to be able to follow and pray for his process to this incredible event, I had no idea how profound this unbelievably Holy experience was going to be for me personally. His ordination mass was so beautiful, and an experience I truly underestimated. The music, the attendance, the cathedral, the words spoken and the clear abounding love for Jim (and the other man being ordained)from the congregation! I am still in awe. I really think every Catholic young or old, should attend an ordination. 






I didn't know that it is very special for a newly ordained priest to give you a blessing. While these pictures were quickly taken from Johns phone, I will cherish them and never forget Father Jim's words and blessing for me.


And then we celebrated like there was no tomorrow! It was a wonderful night!

 
I have thought and said out loud many times this week, I am very proud to be a Catholic.



Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Head above water...finally

Well, this post is already going to be rushed, so I will not be able to say everything I need in just one post! Please be patient with me. Wow, what a rough week. My birthday was so fun and wonderful thanks to so many! My flowers and cards and gift cards and texts and calls and emails just made my day! It was really fun turning 29 again! HA! Thank you so so much!
Wednesday, John and I headed to Indy to meet with Dr. M and my second round of chemo. I noticed that morning that I had a rash on my chest and kind of threw everyone into a mini-panic wondering what might be the cause- cellulitis caused by my "bad" lymph nodes in my chest going bonkers, a dermatitis from my chest being so...new ahem... Or the flip out... A different kind of breast cancer. Dr. M marked the borders of the rash and I went to see Dr. H here on Friday and she is confident it is just some sort of dermatitis! Thank you God. It is better and I am keeping an eye on it. I talked about how nauseous I was from my first round and we added another long lasting anti-vomiting med via IV HAHA hardy har... It did NOTHING! And if it did help, I could not imagine where I would be without it. I have been unbearably, incapacitatingly down for the count until really today. I was seriously in bed not moving and trying not to vomit or start vomiting because if I did, I have no idea when I would have been able to stop. Ugh. I know that I should have called and gotten more meds but I honestly kept thinking that it HAD to get better at any moment! Not so much... I know that I have a  plethora of meds to choose from and know I need to be more pro active about getting them. I will admit that I am definitely gun shy about my next round.
When I missed Thankful Thursday, John said I should write a Forgetful Friday hahaha- he's a funny one that guy! But by then, I was so crappy, no posts were going to happen until now.
There are so many things I need to write. You know how I like my documentation! But it is time to get Margo from school.

Smooches, Kate

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Thankful Thursday

Happy thankful Thursday! What are you thankful for today? There are just so many things happening in our lives right now that we have to be thankful for that I am implementing Thankful Thursday on the blog. It will take a lifetime of Thursdays to mention so many things great and small so be patient with me.

There have been two foundations that have helped our family so much that I will forever be grateful to both. The first one is called Helping Hands of Cincinnati. I was told about this unbelievable foundation early on in my first diagnosis and didn't get a chance to contact them for quite a while, but when I did, they were there for us and ready to help our family in any financial way we needed. They helped me prioritize my piles and piles of medical bills that were (and are) streaming in daily. Granted, they are a small organization and were only able to help to a certain amount, but what they did help with was huge to our stress level. Everyone at Helping Hands (and the story of how it began) have just been incredible. If anyone has it in their heart, PLEASE send them a donation of any amount. They are an organization built out of friendship and love and deserve any donation they can get to use toward another family struggling with the stress and ridiculous amount of bills that pile up while dealing with cancer.  Our family will forever be thankful for them!

Ellie has a very good friend that found out about the Karen Wellington Foundation through school and being the selfless and determined beauty that she is, wrote a letter and nominated myself and our family for one of their amazing vacations they donate to women living with breast cancer. Because of Maria, we are headed to the beach for a week in June! Especially with my new diagnosis, to say we need this time away as a family is a huge understatement. School will be finished. Soccer and baseball will be missed. John will not be allowed to touch his phone for work (I am not kidding JW!)
And I plan on sitting on the beach (with a beer or margarita) watching my children run and play in the sand and sun. It will be glorious. Again, The Karen Wellington Foundation is just an amazing organization that runs on donations- not only monetary but also, if you have a summer home that you can donate to them for a week for another family to use while living with breast cancer, please seriously consider a donation. There really aren't enough words to say how much just the idea of getting away somewhere has kept us all looking forward!

Again, I am just so thankful for your thoughts and prayers...words just can't express how much.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Brain train...

Again, like when I was first diagnosed, I am having a difficult time turning my brain off. Not just when I am trying to sleep, but just in general. It is not only driving me nuts, but John as well. I end up not being able to focus on anything. It is just a big circle of hot mess. :) My thought process is just one big train wreck. I go from fun things I want to do to telling myself that I have to empty the dishwasher to trying to remember Henry's soccer practice and then wanting to breathe into a paper bag- all in a 4 second time frame. Over and over and then end up not emptying the dish washer, forgetting Henry's cleats etc. Gah!
I have clearly repeated " Lord please help me focus" a million times since I was putting on Margo's shoes and asked her to hold still and she promptly said " Lawrd, please help me focUS!!" Haha
The response from everyone has been wonderfully overwhelming. Thank you. As I have said, when I know what we need, you all will be the first to know! I have completely put my pride aside because honestly, I need each and every one of you. For prayers, for laughs, for rides, for food, for child care, for strong shoulders and ears to hear my sobs after one of the children asks me to promise her I am not going to die and I can't promise her that. Thank you for your cards. For all of the masses being said and scheduled for our family. Thank you to my absolute best friend from high school Debbie Doodles for flying in last week and spending an entire day entertaining me with stories and hugs and tears and gut wrenching laughter. She has saved my mental health more times than I can count over the years and I just love her to pieces!
For right now, my biggest comfort is all of your prayers. Honestly, it is unbelievably comforting and humbling. They are needed. John and I need to really sit down and discuss all of this going on in our life. We are just right now trying to keep our heads above water trying to even fathom and grasp that our family is at war with cancer again. We are ready for the fight!
Wow, for sitting at my favorite coffee place by myself, this is getting a little heavy! The truth hurts. :)
We have been on Spring break this week and the kids have been having such fun with friends and play dates. The weather has been beautiful. Off to pick up Margo and try and get some things done!

Monday, April 21, 2014

IU chemo... It's the cool thing to do...

I would love to apologize for not posting sooner but honestly, events with my children are taking precedence over everything. By events I mean soccer, baseball, soccer, soccer... Reading, coloring, shopping etc.
I need to start with again the biggest thank you I can muster. Overwhelmed by kindness from all of you is such an understatement. Why I am surprised again by the amount of love and prayer is beyond me. But thank you. I need it, our entire family needs it.
Our meeting with my new oncologist last Wednesday went incredibly well.  So well in fact, I ended up having my new chemo there ( IU Simon Cancer Center) that day! It was kind of like going into labor- you are never quite prepared for it but there's no turning back at that point. :)
The new chemo I am on is called Carboplatin. Most probably no hair loss but definitely nausea. I can attest to the nausea- it has not been pretty. I will have it at IU every three weeks. The next one is scheduled for May 7th which I think is good luck as it is one of my favorite persons birthdays. (Holla Mr. R.!) John is going with me for that round but yes, I will be needing rides... Well, for the rest of my life since that is how long chemo will last. Ahem... Yes you read that right and yes, I am stressed, and yes, the thought of it all is very daunting. As the new Dr. Explained it... I will have this chemo every three weeks- as long as it's working. And then when it stops, I will go onto another chemo until that stops working etc. etc. etc. sigh. While I am finding the thought of all of this enormously stressful,#breathingintoapaperbag. I am also incredibly grateful that such medicine and knowledge exists.
I again have so much more to tell you but surprise surprise, soccer practice calls!

Thank you everyone- I love you bunches.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Difficult words...

I often tell the children "Once the words come out of your mouth, you can't take them back. Make sure you choose them wisely."

It has been a very difficult couple of weeks. More than I could have imagined. So much so, I am having an incredibly difficult time putting it all into words. It all deserves more than just this one post (except my 24 hours with food poisoning, we can all just skip over those details!) so I am going to be spreading them out. If I don't, I think I might just crumble.

There is a story behind these facts- how they came about, how we found out, and what our "next step" is... but again, like a band aid, let's just get down to it.

My cancer has spread not only to the lymph nodes in my neck but we also found out that it has spread to the lymph nodes around my sternum. I was originally and mistakenly told that we were only dealing with the original lymph nodes in my neck.

Since it has spread to more than one place in my body, I am now considered to have stage IV breast cancer. Stage IV is incurable yet survivable! That is what my plan is. Many survive quite a while with stage IV cancer. To say that John and I were devastated is a huge understatement. We are honestly just numb. Because of many issues with communication or the lack there of, I will no longer be working with my previous oncologist. As I have said many times in the last few weeks- this is not a hangnail we are talking about, it is my LIFE. There is no room for error.
I have been referred to an oncologist in Indianapolis and we meet with her next Wednesday for a game plan. She is nationally recognized for her work and research with breast cancer. I am forever indebted to my surgeon Dr. H for not only taking me under her wing but for coordinating this meeting so quickly. Her compassion and understanding the severity of the situation. Many people have described her as an angel. After the discussions I have had with her, I completely agree with them.

I hate telling you all about this. I feel like I am not only hurting the ones I love, but also disappointing you.  So many prayers you have put forth. So many thoughtful gifts, cards and many with your precious time. I am not going to say I'm sorry because I need you all and every person you know to literally and constantly storm heaven for us- our entire family. That is what we need the most right now.



Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The hip bone's connected to the thigh bone...

Received the all clear on my bone scan today! Thank to so much for your prayers! Please keep the prayers coming... I have my ultrasound guided biopsy beginning at 7:15 tomorrow morning and my PET scan at 12:15 tomorrow afternoon!

 Just so grateful for all of you. #feelingthelove! :)

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Faith...

It has been a tiring week. Full of  tears, hugs, questions and prayers. I am sitting outside Panera waiting on Melissa whom John and I are so blessed to have as a friend. I was just at B North getting an injection for my bone scan and didn't know I have a 3 hour wait for the radioactive injection to"do its thing" so a call to Miss and Panera it is. It is an absolutely glorious day and sitting in the sun is wonderful.
I want to tell you about our (John,Melissa and myself) meeting with my surgeon but first want to get down my thoughts and feelings about this past week. I found out about my CT scan being positive for cancer last Thursday while driving. It was about 12:40 and I found out in a very round about way and a day early...the Surgeons office was notified by oncologist office to schedule biopsy and ultrasound. Clearly, they knew something I didn't. While driving, I ended up in front of Coffee Please ( one of my favorite haunts for my beloved coffee) but I could see people I knew inside and was a mess. Outside, I called John... We were both just dumbfounded. There was no use coming home as I wasn't there and said I was going to call Melissa... See a pattern here? :)  it stresses me out that John works so hard and we are going to have to again choose his time off wisely because of me. Any who, while talking/ sobbing to Melissa, I ended up driving to 1/2 price. Books because I was going right in there and buying all of their Kicking Cancers Ass with Food cookbooks dammit! Again, Melissa strongly suggested I carefully drive home. So I pulled out of that parking lot and drove to Starbucks because if I wasn't going to start eating completely organic and sugar and caffeine free rightthatminute! I better get myself a coffee! :) The person in front of me in line paid for my coffee. Love.
I made it home in one piece and called another close friend yet while sobbing to her, I looked at the clock and suddenly realized it was 10 minutes before the school mass was to begin and Henry was bringing up the gifts and I had promised him 2000 times I would be there. I was So mad! I was SO mad a my body! I was SO mad that I had JUST gone through all of this! I had just put all of my friends and family through all of this! I was shaking I was just so completely angry. I was angry at God. As I was walking into church, I literally said out loud " God, I am NOT walking in here for you. I am here for my sweet boy because of a promise I made to him!" I was a mess and tried unsuccessfully to hold it together. Thank goodness for friends/parents around me knowing that something was very wrong and praying for me. I love the school masses and the message that day was to listen for Jesus and not harden your heart. Wow... I was still angry but this was my first message... A very clear message that I am going to need this church, these friends and especially God to walk this scary path again.
As many of you know, I love blogs and my blog "peeps" many of my very good friends are people I have met through the blogging world (hollah GW ladies!) So when I was diagnosed in July, I became pretty active on some breast cancer discussion boards. One being for Christian women dealing/living with breast cancer. After posting for prayer requests, I also posted my new diagnosis and was very honest about my anger and sadness. Again, I was amazed at my comfort feeling so many praying not only for myself but for John and the children. Another wow moment was  one of the ladies that I really admire on the breast cancer board sent me an email. She wrote such encouraging words that have completely stuck with me.

" You are allowed to be angry but you also need to dig deep and feel your Faith. Anger is a very slippery slope to go down and one that is not easy to climb out of..."  

I can't tell you how many times I have gone back to read her email. I have lost count how many times I have repeated this to myself this past week.  One of the most powerful messages I think I have ever received.

Off to have my bone scan...

Friday, March 28, 2014

For once in my life, I am finding it hard to find words...

As many of you know, me being at a loss for words is very unusual to say the least!

I am just going to jump in- like a Band-Aid being ripped off..

My breast cancer has returned to the lymph nodes in/on my left clavicle. (Collar bone) I have just recently felt a lump/mass after having an achy neck for a couple of days. Fast forward to a CT scan, blood work and an ultrasound and here we are back at square one. I have an appointment with my favorite surgeon on Monday to see if we can do the biopsy in her office or if I will have to go into surgery for the biopsy. 3-5 days afterwards, we should know the type, stage and grade. This will give the oncologist the "plan of attack." I have been told that what ever the outcome, I will most definitely have to again have chemotherapy and will also have radiation. Sigh...

We told the children last night. Although we don't know our exact plan, John and I both felt it was important that they know what we do. Again, we are moving along as a team. One big strong bickering team! :) I am just so mad. I am so angry that I did EVERYTHING I was "supposed" to do. How can this be happening only three months after my last chemo treatment?! WHY in the world am I having to crush my childrens spirits and lives AGAIN!? I let them take one for the team the first time- yes, it will make them stronger and more faithful and understanding in the long run blahblahblah Now? AGAIN? Really?! I am mad... not only did I do everything I was supposed to but THEY ALL did everything that was asked of them. They "bucked up." They worked together. They happily were juggled from -granted- one fun friend to another. They put on brave fronts and prayed for me when I was at my sickest with chemo. And now we all have to repeat the same thing (or more) all over again. It just isn't fair. My children should not again have to have suck a weight on their little shoulders because of their mothers sucky genetics.

I will keep you all updated too. Thank you. All of you- my dear friends and family. You are honestly going to be what gets me through this-again. Your prayers most of all are what I am begging for. Prayers for peace and clarity. Prayers for strength for our family unit- it has taken a blow already and while I can say has made us stronger, it has not been without immense stress and struggle. Prayers for my doctors to have the wisdom to know what needs to be done and when so I can come out of this on top. Prayers for me to again realize that my anger and frustration does not help in any situation but especially this one. I know God will get us through this. I would just like to know why again...

Many hugs!

Kate