Silence among the crazy...

This is going to be a rough post. I can only warn you that it will be raw and sad since that is how I am right now. Let's not beat around the bush. Last week at Gs funeral, I was starting to feel more puffyness in my neck and tumor. It was becoming achy again and even John could feel a difference. So Friday, I again made a few calls and bought myself a lovely CT scan of the neck, chest and abdomen. By Friday evening, we were told that yes, my lymph tumors were growing but the new horrible news is that I now have tumors in my liver. The Clinical trial drug is no longer working. From August 18 (my scans that were stable) to the week of September 20 my cancer yet again outsmarted the meds and my body.  What a jerk.
To be painfully honest, I am a complete and utter mess. I just can't believe it again? So soon? I have been silent to so many because I can't even speak the circumstances out loud for fear of completely losing in front of the children and not being able to stop. I know my emotions are so raw right now, I am not only scaring myself but many close friends. But I just can't say the next steps or what this means out loud. Sweet Dr.M did say what it means time wise for me in her very kind direct hand holding way and hearing it out loud was crushing for everyone in the room. Just air sucked out of the room crushing is the only way I can explain it.
Now, trust me, I don't want to be a statistic and yes I absolutely want to live a long full life and I am NOT giving up by NO means. I just think that we all need to be on the same page and just know, I have a very aggressive type of cancer that not many have so even though Dr. M said we have many options to use and we will use them until we run out of options or my body just can't handle the options. But again, like the other reoccurrences, I somehow feel guilty. Like I am letting my family down. Like I am letting you down. Like I am letting myself down. I know it's not true but that is what I keep feeling. So moving forward, I am going to try and not let that happen. I can't stiffle my pain of disappointing you all because all it did was delay extra prayers that we desperately need now and in the coming months.
The infusion center couldn't get me in yesterday to have chemo while we were already there unfortunately. So after a very painfully silent ride home, John and I turned around and left early this morning back to IU for my new chemo. It is usually called  "The Red Devil" because of how it acts and looks but supposedly, since I will only be receiving it once a month, it shouldn't be too bad...

Ok, I keep losing this picture so,it's time to say goodnight.
Smooches, Kate