Day by Day

Hello Everyone!

Ok I am going to try and keep this blog going, I know it has been awhile since I posted anything. I am not going to lie and say things are going great around here. It is a struggle everyday. Homework is so much fun as is packing lunches. But in reality we just miss Kate so much. I think she is going to come home soon, but I really know that is not the case. We are really blessed with all the help and support we are getting. I know I could not survive without this help. At times I feel like the little boy in the movie Home Alone. I have gone to the grocery store, done some laundry, ordered pizza, even put up Christmas decorations. I am just waiting for Kate to come back and save me from these kids, I mean the thieves. Really with all the help we have had we are surviving pretty good. I do know that I want to call Kate and tell her, Thanks for everything she did for the kids and me. I do know that every husband should give their wife a big kiss and thank them for everything they do. 

     I really want to try and update more often I will try and make an effort as I think Kate would want me to. I know a lot of our friends see this through Facebook. I do not have Facebook and I said I never would, but Kate did ask us to shut her Facebook down, so I will do that soon and figure something out. I have a lot to say about how wonderful the celebration was for Kate. As hard as that day was I can't imagine a better funeral/celebration. The mass was the most beautiful mass I have ever been to. Kate wanted a party and boy did Sue & Mark, with a huge group of friends, deliver. I can not thank them enough. A lot of people have asked for the eulogy, here it is.

Thanks for everyone's support, please keep us in your prayers. 

With Love,  
John.                          
                                                      Kate Wordeman Words of Remembrance

​Wow, Hello everyone! Thank you for being here today, it really means a lot to the whole family and me. I am not sure how to talk about such a wonderful woman in 5 minutes, Kate was so special too so many people. 

I met Kate through a friend; she came to watch one of our co-ed softball games. I immediately knew I liked her, she was so pretty and had a very fun vibe about her. I am not sure if she was impressed with my superior athletic ability or just really liked me, because after that she started playing on our team. I know she didn’t like playing at all, but she did it to be with me and my friends. Kate was always up for a challenge. I think of the first time I introduced her to my family, it was the 4th of July picnic at my parents’ house. We had about 50 people playing whiffle ball all in the yard and she had to walk up in the middle of the group and meet everyone at once. I know she was intimidated but she handled it with Grace and fit right in with everyone. She has been part of the family ever since.

Kate was a great wife, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend but most of all a great MOTHER! Ellie and Kate were going through some of Kate’s old papers and assignments. They came across a paper that was from Kate’s 1st grade. The paper said what do you want to be when you grow up? Kate had written in big sloppy letters “A MOM” Well Kate you accomplished this more than you know. You are a fantastic Mom!

We all know the last two and a half years have been a challenge, but if you ever asked Kate or saw Kate you would not have known it. She not only lived the last 2 ½ years with Faith, Wisdom and Grace, but I believe her whole life. I had many people tell me when they saw her that they couldn’t even tell she was sick. She really carried herself well and always gave off a positive vibe. I knew she was hurting but she never let the kids or the outside see it. 

One of the things I really admired and disliked about Kate was her generous nature and reckless spending for others.  It did not matter to Kate what kind of job you had or what you made. She was friends with people at coffee shops (boy did she love her coffee) Target employees, all the nurses, mailmen, to people that had their own company or were heads of companies. She made friends instantly. She made friends with a group of girls on a blog and they became great friends. (I know many are here today. The scrap book group, they all had a great time going on a weekend getaway every year. I think more wine was had than scrap book pages made. She definitely paid it back. She would always leave a generous tip, pay for someone’s meal or coffee, send a friend flowers or a gift at the right time.  After Kate’s first surgery when we got home the first flowers we received, I opened the card and it said from “Your Target Family” I wasn’t sure if I was in awe or furious, I know I was amazed and told Kate you spend way too much time at Target. I am sure Target and Kohls stocks have dropped after Kate’s passing.

I am not sure why God has taken us on this path, but Kate never complained once and took the challenge with full Faith, Wisdom and Grace. The kids would tell her it is not fair. Kate always responded that “fair” is where you get cotton candy. I believe God gave us this challenge to bring everyone together. Kate has brought St. Gertrude School and parish, a community, family, internet community and many more together. The love shown for Kate and our family has been amazing and I see God working through every one of you every day.  Kate always talked about how it takes a “village” to get through this. Our Village could not be any better I cry a lot in awe of what everyone is doing for us and how everyone has sacrificed for us. I wish I could name every one of you here right now, but this mass wouldn’t be over till next week. We still need the “village” Please continue to pray for us and others that are suffering in our “village.”

I love these kids with all my heart and I know Kate will continue to look out for us from above and guide us and all of you on our journey through life. I miss Katherine dearly. I have found myself driving around this week and picked up my cell phone to call Kate and just say “Hi, Kate, How are you? How are the kids doing? Ask about their sporting events. She loved to watch them play their sports. She would but their schedules on the calendar and we would look at it and then each other and she would always say “I need to breath into a paper bag.” But we loved staying busy watching them. But I realized she was not there to call. But I also realized I/we do not need to call/text Kate on the phone anymore. We can just look up or silently talk to her. She will always be with us and she will always answer our prayers. I am not sure what kind of cell plan this is but it has got to be cheaper as you know Kate loved her cell phone.

Kate and I were lucky enough to go to Kuai for our honeymoon. As you can image it was beautiful, I am sure it is as close as I have seen to what Heaven would look like. Kate loved being on the beach and having her toes in the sand with a drink in her hand. We went to an off the beaten path to a place called Queens Bath. The waves would crash over the rocks and fill up a bath about 10 feet deep. I went in, but the girl that was always up for a challenge was a little scared to go in to Queens Bath. She always talked about how she wish she would have gone in that day and if we ever got back there she would jump right in. I believe today she is sitting in Queens Bath looking at us all and smiling, telling us it is ok to cry, but to start to dry those eyes and celebrate her life. She is at peace and she is going to take care of us now.      

Thank you and God Bless! 

In Memory of KATHERINE 'Kate' WORDEMAN --

It is with a heavy heart that I share over the weekend Kate passed away.



I can not tell you how much she loved everyone and how hard she fought to stay with us. I am so touched by all the prayers and support the kids and I have been receiving each and every day. The kids and I are getting by each day, but we do need your continued prayers. I have much more to say and will do so at a later time. Kate will be sorely missed.



Kate's obituary and funeral arrangements are listed below.



Thank you and God bless.



John





In Memory of KATHERINE 'Kate' WORDEMAN --

Blog Takeover

Hello Everyone,

      This is John and I have taken over the blog today. Kate has had a bit of a rough weekend. (Not like in her younger days during Labor Day Weekend.) this was rough because of Kate's pain. Kate has had a lot of pain in her hip, on Wednesday she went to get an X-Ray and it showed she has fractured her right hip. This is where the cancer was and where she was getting radiation while she was in the hospital two weeks ago. On Friday we went to an orthopedic surgeon who said she would need a hip replacement, which we said would not be possible. They said it would heal on its own. For someone like me, you know I am very active, it would heal in 8 weeks on bed rest. For Kate it would be double that. 16 weeks of bed rest, I know a day or two doesn't sound too bad right now but 16 weeks is crazy.

      So this weekend around the kids activities, I spent at home with Kate. She really hasn't eaten hardly at all and drinking just a little bit. Kate is still in good spirits laying in bed and listening to the kids and myself. The hip was really causing her a lot of pain, was very hard to get her to the restroom and back. On Monday we called her Dr. he said she needed to be admitted to the hospital. We needed to call 911 because the only way we could get her out of the house and to the hospital was on a stretcher. Wouldn't you know it as the paramedics were putting her on the stretcher on our bed he said. "Man you guys really have a great house!" Kate asked him if he wanted to buy it. No luck there either.

We spent all day in the ER and got in her room around 5-5:30. She did eat a quarter of a grilled cheese sandwich. I left by 8 had to get home to watch the Buckeyes Game, I mean take care of the kids.

She is on a lot of pain meds now, not sure how long she will be in the hospital.

    I am praying everyday for guidance for Kate and myself. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring or what our path will be but I know we will all get through it together. I can not tell you how blessed we are by all the support we have around us. From people helping with laundry, meals, food for lunches, rides for sporting events and school, Brandon, Kevin and Len coaching my soccer teams while I have been out of commission. Friends at work helping me get by. Sue and Ann helping me with homework, why does homework need to be so hard? I graduated from college I should be able to do K,3rd,6th, and 8th grade homework. Debbie thank you so much for helping Margo with her first assignment. I know I have not thanked everyone, I could write all day and list hundreds of people, but you know who you are, Thank You! Cards and letters have been amazing, Kate and I love reading them.

     But the most important thing we have received from all of you is your love, thoughts and prayers. I can not believe how many people are praying for us and how blessed we are to have all of you in our "village". Please continue your prayers not only for us but for each other. I know many other people in our "village" are also suffering and have had bad news or major setbacks lately. Right now prayers are needed now more than ever and you will all be in mine.

     I will try and keep everyone updated.

Thank you and God Bless!

John

Grounded...

Grounded... The title for this post seems very fitting. I feel grounded in so many ways, that I think I can only give bullet points to catch up. Also, I am finding some of them difficult to discuss at the moment. But one thing is so very clear - all of your love for our family. It is overwhelmingly amazing to witness first hand. Thank you just seems petty.

Where to begin?

• We visited The Basicila I wrote about, on Sunday and the friends and loved ones that showed up to pray with us was beyond words and deserves a post of its own. 

Here is a picture of the last to leave...

• Things get a little blurry from here. My friend Margaret and her husband we here for a visit so she took me in to chemo. Even with a lowered dose, it was a horrible week. I was just so sick and yet again, so many stepped up to the plate to help
• The following Sunday, my brother and sister-in-law came into to Cincinnati for a long over due visit and stayed until Wednesday.
•  I was suppose to have chemo the next day, but couldn't since my blood counts were too low on  Monday, August 10th.  It was also this week that we learned that we did not get our house on G-Lane. To say we are crushed is an understatement. We are even more upset that the seller was dishonest and sneaky. He rented the house while we were still negotiating the inspection. Even his realtor didn't know about the dishonesty etc. And since again, we conceded in well, everything, I don't understand how he would rather rent his house than sell it. He also, in my opinion, basically tried to blackmail us out of $4,000 when he said that the renter would leave the lease for that much $ but we had to pay it! Upon asking to see a signed lease agreement, he completely bailed. Please remind John that there are other houses out there for us to look at!
• Saturday the 15th was my first trip to the ER for fluids and anti-nausea meds. I was not happy about it, felt horrible and my sister Libby bore the brunt of my first ER breakdown. Those of you that know my germ phobia can't even begin to imagine... Love you Libs! Again, I feel like God was again putting his hand on my shoulder when our (especially Henry's) beloved Mrs. Bayers son walked into my room and would be my nurse. Thank you Tony!
•   
  
• 17th had chemo and went back to the infusion ward for fluids and anti-nausea meds.  I also had to go back to the ER on Friday and Sunday for more and I was just getting sicker and sicker. 
• That Friday, in the ER, I could finally have enough pain meds and complete an MRI on my pelvis... Oh you damn pelvis. Yep- cancer has spread to my hip socket, femur, sacrum, a bit on the other femur... Hence the pain in my hip. Sigh again.
• Saturday, I went to my sweet goddaughters first field hockey game. Well, I stayed in the van and watched a bit between dozing. 
• Sunday was a blur again and I was clearly not getting better. I was going in to meet with Dr.A. And Dr. S on Monday the 24th since we were all pretty sure chemo would be stopped and radiation to my pelvis would start. And it did- Dr. S and his people busted a move got my markers on and radiated. 
• Then I went over to BNorth and was immediate admitted to the hospital. Which is where I still am. I am much better. Pain and nausea are under control. Still unsteady on my feet and not quite sure when I will be leaving. 
• I have not felt well enough to update and man do they keep you busy. I have been very humbled having to be transported to go over to radiation in an ambulance. 

And here my friends is where we need to have as I call "a come to Jesus" 

Please don't be annoyed with me, or Melissa or John or Libby. They had been sworn to secrecy that I was here- although John and Melissa's faces were priceless when I asked to be admitted. YouKNOW if I was asking to go into a hospital, I.was.s.i.c.k sick!

At first and still now, I just do not feel well and the thought of having visitors was causing me a breakdown. And honestly, when I do go home I am asking for no visitors there either. My blood counts are still dangerously low and I just can't be exposed to any germs. Honestly, just the thought of me making it home and getting into my bed is exhausting me!

Thank you so SO much for understanding. 

John needs extra prayers for the last couple of weeks. I am rightfully worried about him and he is working at work and working from home and working with all of the children and their first week of school and homework (!) It was also his birthday yesterday and while spent a nice afternoon with exhausted children, I don't quite think it was what he had been envisioning his 44th birthday to be. He is just such a good guy and father-I am so blessed. 

He also had the privilege of taking the kids to their first day of school and Margo to her first day of kindergarten! 

So, Good News First or Bad?

Let's start with the bad and just move on shall we?

After my 10th and final radiation on Monday, John, Melissa and I went upstairs for our appointment with Dr.A (the oncologist) There was question of more testing before starting chemo which would require an overnight hospital stay or two. After being told that with having these tests, it wouldn't change the outcome of the chemo, we decided to just jump into chemo since I was rightfully feeling a huge sense of urgency to get these chemos into me and start killing all of the cancer cells.

Now, after giving birth to 4 children, I learned very early on you just don't ask your doctor "how big the baby is" BEFORE you must deliver the baby. There just isn't a point to it. No matter how big the baby is, the doctor is just guessing and you still have to birth said ginormous although guaranteed sweet baby. I am also going to apply this to our conversation with Dr. A last Monday. When you ask point blank, how much time he thought I have on this Earth, A. You are never going to be happy with the answer because it would never be enough time. B. Although he is a very qualified doctor, his answer is just a very scary guess.

It comes down to this. IF this chemo combo does not work at controlling the cancer AND I am too weak to continue onto another chemo, well, let's just say I didn't like his answer and I really should probably start getting my shit in order. But you know what? I will NOT give up. I want John and my children to remember that I loved them so fiercely that I would do anything to stay here with them.

Speaking of the children, I am just so worried about how they are handling the news of all of this. Clearly, they have an abridged version but still honest. It is just so horrible that I can't say " It will be fine" now I say "You will be ok" I.hate.it.

Ok enough lets talk good.

John and I had narrowed down our house choices to one we can't afford and one we really can't afford. :) Last Saturday, we had two showings on our house and found ourselves in front of the house on G. Lane. Then we drove around the neighborhood. Then back down G. Lane. Then sitting in the driveway of G. Lane. While sitting in the driveway, out of the corner of my eye, I see a hummingbird flittering around the front bushes!! Then, it zooms around the yard! And back to the bushes! Not many people know that hummingbirds have always reminded me of one of my favorite people in the world whom I considered my "Mom" for many years Ann Ward. The last time I have seen a hummingbird was outside our back porch when I was calling friends and family about my breast cancer diagnosis two years ago. I feel like a little piece of my heart was forever broken when Ann passed away from breast cancer before Sarah was born. So, you can imagine my complete freak out and sobbing upon seeing this hummingbird. We put an offer in that night and as of yesterday, barring the inspection, we are the very happy yet flipped out home owners of a beautiful house on G. Lane. It is further away from our circle of friends and family but are praying they won't mind the extra 10 minute drive to visit and help us.
Also, when I was having chemo Monday, we were sitting next to the nicest older couple. The wife was receiving chemo and she looked as defeated as I felt. I'm sure it was not the best day she has ever had. The sweet husband held her hand and was just so nice. We chatted about different things, they had twin 45 year old sons and about grandchildren etc. When our friend who blessedly and amazingly works for Dr. A. came over to check on us, we were chatting about the house on G. Lane and the husband says " We live on G. Lane!" AREYOUKIDDINGME?!?! 14 houses on the entire street and we are sitting next to each other. God is so good at giving peace. It never ceases to amaze me.

I have been told many times about The Basilica of Our Lady of Consolation in Carey, Ohio. And a really nice, hand written letter from our friend Fr. Jim encouraging me to go has prompted us to jump into action and go this Sunday. PLEASE consider joining us there for the Noon mass and to then prayerfully tour the grounds which I have heard are beautiful. I am really looking forward to it!

Ok enough, this has taken me too long to write and Melissa has 1/2 of my children! Again, thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts. For your dinners and lunches and snacks. For your wonderful cards and emails and texts. I love my village that is holding us. Thank you...

Just...ugh...

This week has been has been utterly and completely exhausting. Radiation has been going fine. I finished my 9th radiation this morning and my last one will be Monday. I am then hoping (can't believe I am saying that) to jump straight into a new chemo. I have a slight sense of urgency for this. Because ... Of the results of my CT scan I had last Monday... It isn't good and I feel so horribly mad and bad. Like I am not only disappointing myself but everyone praying and doing so much for our family. I hate the fact that my own body is failing me. I mean sure I haven't treated it perfectly #myloveforDoritos... But it's not like I ever smoked or did drugs!
I have more metastasis in my... Liver- too many to count but 2 very large masses (4cm x 3+ cm)
                                                   Hard palate of my mouth and sinus - Wha? Huh?
                                         Lymph- just a lot of places including a chain up my jugular vein in my neck
And let's recap, And add in what we already knew- spine and brain

See, I told you I was falling apart. I feel better that again, this great team has a plan. Just as God does for me, like it or not, I am along for the ride.

Eleven years ago on July 22, I gave birth to one of the sweetest girls I know. My Sarah Ann. I can't believe she is 11! Melissa and my friend AR organized the best surprise party for her (and me,) with some of our friends and family. It was wonderful to see her truly smile. She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and it worries me considerably.

I am unable to drive and it is oh so humbling. I also fell again- my own stupidity turning and reaching for socks. I am using a wheelchair out and about and must use a cane or preferably a walker that I just  was given today. Thank you LJ! My neuropathy and weakness is going to be an extremely slow recovery- if at all but all of the docs are hopeful. 

You just would not believe how many people have helped us out since all of this news has hit us again. Thank you just doesn't seem enough.

As you know, we are working on selling and buying houses. This seems silly, but I am asking you to please pray John and I make the best and wisest decision for our family. And that our house sells asap (Mrs. Bayer, we are getting St. Joseph to bury!) so we have the ability to make an offer on a house. After our news, I think it is safe to say John and I are feeling a hopeless sense of urgency. 

Thank you everyone for storming Heaven on our behalf - you just can't imagine the comfort we feel from your prayers.

Whirlwind...

How is it that in less then a week, I have gone from this...

To this...

As I had said, my neuropathy has been horrible and I was having trouble walking on numb feet. Last week while on our wonderful vacation, I fell again trying to get out of the rain on the beach. My legs just wouldn't hold me up. Since this was my third fall in a week, the next morning, I called IU and talked to my sweet nurse C thinking I was definitely out of the clinical trial and was thinking she could schedule some scans and get me going onto my next adventure. Of course this would have had to have been done Monday or Tuesday as our family was to be going to Michigan Wednesday (today)

Dr. M wasn't in but C told me what was happening was not good and that she would talk to Dr. M when she got in and call me in a couple of hours. It was blue skies and I got into my swim suit ready for a great day at the beach. Except C called back within 15 minutes and said that Dr. M wanted me to go to the ER for a brain scan. Wha? Um... No thank you I was going to the beach! Now I do confess that really for the first time on this journey, I was a bit of a tootie- tottie. I wanted to go to the BEACH! It was clear blue skies! Why could this not wait until Monday when I was back home?!

But, as usual, John and Melissa talked some reasoning into me  forced me to get dressed and go to the ER. So, yet again, thank God for Bill and Melissa who took our combined 8 children to the beach for the day. Hey, they had beer AND snacks and the BEACH- don't feel too sorry for them. 😀

The ER doctor was very nice and since I was having leg weakness, he added a lumbar MRI in addition to the brain MRI. 

When he returned after my tests, John and I were completely dumbfounded to have him tell us that my cancer has not only metastasized to my brain, but also to my L1,L2 and L4 vertebrae. I was also told that my L2 was not stable and he was very worried about it fracturing.

 Dumbfounded I tell you. Just shocked and oh so sad.

We decided to not tell the kids until we were home. They knew something was going on but that we were waiting on tests. 

We have a friend in the business you might say and are SO blessed to have him take us under his wing and get us in to some fantastic doctors he trusts and whom are willing to work with our beloved Dr. M at IU. Sometimes it's not what you know, it's who you know. He had appointments lined up for first thing Monday morning and was the first smiling face we saw walking into that office. God is so good at placing the right people in your life at the right times!

We told the children after church on Sunday. I'll  be honest, I was sick to my stomach. Why was I having to yet again do this to them!? All because my body can't beat back cancer, they get to live with uncertainty and sadness. It disgusts me and is just not fair. This is also the first time we have told them that we honestly don't know what the outcome will be but that we feel this has taken a turn for the serious. Everyone was devastated as you can imagine. Margo has no clue and laughed. 

Moving onto the medical... I finished round 2 of 10 rounds of radiation this morning. My legs are extremely weak and I am using a cane and am getting a walker- comments at diffrent times from Margo and Sarah upon being told this.

Margo: "like those things old ladies use?"

Sarah: " geez mom, GRANDMA doesn't even use one of those!"

Nice...

These ladies make me happy

Too long...

The apologies from me are plentiful. Gratefully, so much going on in our lives, yet taking the time to really talk about how I am fairing seems hard to put into words because then it makes "it" real.

I think the only way to catch up is just in snippets.

* As of last Thursday, our house of 14yrs is for sale! The work of my "guy" (our favorite painter/ can do anything man) the storage container, two dumpsters, my sister and especially Melissa and Kelly W. will never be the same. Honestly, there was a day Kelly had our craft shelves packed AND the entire bookcase loaded into the storage container by herself before I could blink. It is incredible to feel the love of friendship. Besides the fact she has the uncanny ability to talk John into getting rid of his treasures -aka crap like no one else.

* Henry, Sarah and Margo were hit by a horrible virus. Fever, sore throat and yucky stomach. Sarah was hit the hardest and not only went to one Children's hospital but two in one day. There were questions of her appendix and even mono but ultimately it all came down to the virus. It took a long time for her to fully recover. How the rest of us were spared is truly a miracle and a blessing.

* Johns Mom celebrated her birthday of a number I am not allowed to mention :) Unfortunately, during her celebration, Sarah and I were at children's and missed all of the fun. She is one of my favorite women in my life and I don't think she believes how grateful I am to have her not only in my life but also such a wonderful mother-in-law.

* We are in Florida with the Riehles. A friend of ours gave us their house for the week and we are having a much needed, fun filled time together . Again the blessings and generosity of friends just amaze me. I will add some pictures later since Margo is bugging me to go watch her swim and I have spent too much time away from the fun.

* Ok, let's just hit the nail on the head... Since we last talked, things have gotten better in some ways yet worse in others. During my time "away," I have really tried to focus and get back to my Faith and relationship with God. It is easy with so much stuff going on to lose that focus. I am trying very hard to just listen and believe He has my best interest in mind and really have Faith. I've come to the conclusion that while I do believe this, I don't necessarily have to like it. :)
The last time I went for chemo, I was struggling and Dr. M and I worked on changing and tweaking my meds. She also showed us a report showing a total 74.4% reduction in all tumors since I started this clinical trial! So, even though this chemo has given me more serious side effects than all of my others combined, how do you NOT say " sure! Plug me in again!"

* I am having horrible neuropathy in my hands, feet and legs. I can't feel them until I just feel pain. It is frustrating, embarrassing and scary. I have fallen twice- once at Applebee's trying to pick up Margo. My legs just gave out. It is such a weird feeling and the weakness and how slow I am frankly just pisses me off.

* Because of my side effects, chemo has again been postponed. Something I used to fear, now I am grateful for. Go figure huh?

I am not liking where I am physically in this whole cancer process but am happy that I am again trying to focus on what is best for not only me but for my family.

More to come...

Again I would so appreciate prayers and good thoughts and I promise to update soon- with pictures!

Smooches, Kate

letting loose...

Reality check... things are not good. I feel horrible- all.of.the.time. I feel nauseous. The neuropathy in my hands is horrible and then goes up to my wrists and elbows and now my shoulder blades- all just numb or achy. I have new meds for that. I saw the eye specialist last week and he thinks my blurry vision are drug deposits from the chemo. I  have drops for them. I have new pain meds and I've stopped two others. It is all just crazy. I am failing at everything. The house- HA it is a joke. My thoughts of even trying to put it on the market in the middle of June? HA again. The kids get out of school next Wednesday and again, I am not prepared. We keep talking about a vacation but really, I honestly don't know if I could even make it to where ever we would decide on- I feel that bad.
I had scans done yesterday and the yahoo that read them didn't do a very through job as he contradicted himself on almost ever page. The radiologists at IU are reading them and I should hear results tomorrow. I will not be surprised if it shows my lymph nodes in my neck are again growing since I can feel them more. This will also mean I will be off the clinical trial and onto something else.

I was in tears the last 2 times I have been to IU. I just feel week. I am not even close to the bouncing back that I use to be able to do with other chemos. It hurt when SS said she thinks unfortunately, this is my new normal...I hate it. I hate going to bed exhausted at 7. I hate that the children know how horrible I feel and they hate it too. I hate trying to do one task and then having to lay down. I hate that I have to ramp myself up to do anything or go anywhere and that I hit a wall 1/2 way through and am leaving early.

So there is my reality check. It will get better- but right now? It all just sucks.

Pictures post...

I have the same old excuses. Everything is fine- just busy and I am having some issues with my eyes that I will update later. This is what I can do for now.

May 2, 2015 Henry First Communion

 

I was such a wonderful day!

 

Sarah steals my phone while I am trying to catch some vitamin D

                     
And Margo sings me to sleep... Oh how I adore this...

 

 

 

Worth the shot...

Goodness we need to catch up. I had my third dose of my clinical trial chemo last Wednesday. It was a week delayed due to how horrible I felt. I told John on Wednesday morning while we were getting ready, "I find it funny that I feel the best I have today than I have in 4 weeks and I get to go do it all over again." I don't know why I am surprised by how mentally taxing it is. Yet again, I love Dr. M but this time, I loved that she went above and beyond and also explained the reasoning for how I have been feeling.
She contacted the head of the Pharma company heading this CT and asked him if anyone had ever had such a reaction on this trial and was told no but on another trial for a different cancer, yes. He explained that with the anti-body combined with the chemo, when it binds to the cancer, it basically turns the cancer toxic - hence the horrible way I am feeling. The best thing about all of this? Its that after only 2 rounds of this chemo, I had a total 67% REDUCTION in all tumors!!!! Literally almost unheard of so far. Everyone, nurses, Dr. M, The Pharma guy- beyond excited. Please pray it keeps working. They did lower the dose slightly and while I haven't been feeling great, I know that it usually hits me in the second week. Henry's First Holy Communion is this Saturday and my sweet God-daughters Confirmation is Friday. Please pray for the best strength and good health I could possibly feel to celebrate with both of them.

Thank you so much for your continued prayers- there are not enough word of appreciation! Please keep them coming!

Smooches, Kate

Recovery

Sorry I haven't updated. But to be very truthful, I have been sick- like really sick. Like scared friends,family and even myself sick. With my bloodwork low and high and all over the place and being so dehydrated, I just couldn't bounce back. I was released from the hospital on Monday and have honestly been in bed 90% of the time since. To say I had 0 energy is an understatement.it was just yesterday, that I woke up with a smidge of an idea that I would be out of bed for more than 10 minutes. I took Henry to his baseball game- such a gorgeous, sunny day. I met some new baseball moms that were so nice and the work that the dads do during these games? I am in awe. I'm looking forward to more fun games.
After his game though, I was toast.
Back to recovery... Right now, clearly my scheduled chemo was postponed last Wednesday. It is now scheduled for this Wednesday. Two days ago I would have thought no way but now I think I need the mindset to Just plow through. I asked for bloodwork last Friday and I was completely shocked when it came back not just normal but good!! WHA? Why then am I feeling just SO horrible?! Dr. S says she just really thinks I have had a good, long run of bouncing back and it's kind of caught up with me.
There are so many factors riding on the timing and my well being of this round of chemo. In my opinion, I have to plow ahead this Wednesday and also figure out some magical combination of strength and medicine to keep me as strong as possible. It scares me that this might be an impossible task. Henry is celebrating his First Holy Communion on May 2. My Goddaughter is celebrating her Confirmation on May 1 and I am her sponcer. There are parties to plan and food and fun! Oh you guys...I am worried- really worried. PLEASE pray for me! Please pray it.just.works.out. Pray for strength and patience. Pray for energy.  Thank you SO much!

Smooches, Kate

Worst Spring Break Evah!

Hello from... Naples? No. Hilton Head?  No. A really fun cabin in Hocking Hills with two great families? No.
Hello from the hospital for me.
I wanted this to be a more complete post but that will have to wait. Here is the low down...

Had blood work and CT scans last Wednesday and really was feeling yucky. Like having to lay down and not move yucky. Very nauseous and just exhausted. But I needed to pack for our mini spring break with the T family and the R family! Packing didn't happen that night. I just went to bed. Packed - if you can call it that in the morning and left for Hocking Hills feeling miserable but hoping that my blood work was on its way back up. Didn't happen. I spent Thursday in bed in HH. Friday, I ,are a very tearful call to the oncologist and John drove me all the way back to Cincinnati. It was horrible.
I was very dehydrated, had low potassium and a slew of other things going on. All as a result from my chemo two weeks ago. But the good news is that my scans are the best ever!!

So, here I am. I have slept most of the day and still don't feel super all the while I am so grateful for our friends and John for making sure the kids are having a memorable spring break.

Of course, prayers are asked for!

Smooches, Kate

My paperbag chemo and more...

Hello from Lake Avenue quarantine! No not me, Margo has blessed us with the vomiting, fever bug that has been going around. I will spare you the details (Facebook friends already got that) but I can assure you- NOT pretty. Please pray that only Margo is affected by it and no one else in the house? I know, it would be a miracle.

John and I went to Indy on Wednesday for my second infusion of the clinical trial I am on. Blood work was good and I am now on Prilosec as we are hoping my stomach pains might be acid reflux caused by so many chemos and not anything else. Everything went fine and we really just ended up waiting for blood work results, the chemo to be ordered and brought to my room... yes, like this...

Oh the humor of it. inside really is an "official" looking bag of chemo labeled with my name and other important information but the lab just pops it into a brown paper bag for transport. Again, we were blessed with an uneventful drive home in time for John to go to soccer practices for Sarah and Henry. Yes, he is also coaching Henrys soccer team this year. On one hand, I think he is nuts but on the other, he really is a great coach and I am grateful for him to stretch himself even more (if that is possible) for Henry.

 

Thankfulness...

We have neighbors whom we adore. Miss Jennie and Miss Judy are sisters. Miss Jennie is Mr. Dons caretaker. Mr. Don has CP, is older and confined to a wheelchair. Miss Judy has made all of my head scarves, our beloved Jerry the Elf quilt. and just so many extra beautiful thoughtful things. It has been a very hard week for them. Mr. Don had an emergency on Wednesday and thankfully didn't have a heart attack that was first thought but spent a stressful day at the hospital. Then yesterday, Miss Judy's BELOVED and again older German Shepherd Casper couldn't walk. It was feared he had had a stroke. So in the pouring rain, Judy, another neighbor and I carried Casper in a quilt to the van and I went with Judy and Casper to the vets. The great news is that the vet saw him in the van so not to move him unnecessarily, gave him some meds and thinks it is just some major back spasms. Casper too is home resting from his trip to the hospital and doing better. I am so thankful for them but I was especially thankful to God for putting me in the position to help them. Casper means to world to Miss Judy and she was rightfully thinking the worst and very upset. But through the entire time, she absolutely had COMPLETE trust in God whatever the outcome would be. She is one of the most faith filled women I know and I am positive God put her in my life for a purpose. I learned so much about true trust and faith in God yesterday from her. I am extremely blessed.

 

This weekend is St. Gertrude's Mothers retreat hosted by our St. Gerts Sisters. I know they have worked countless months and hours preparing for this weekend and I was SO looking forward to attending. But then I had my foot thing and then the other chemo stopped working and then I had new chemo and have felt so horrible. I just couldn't go. I am crying as I type this because I know it will be a fantastic weekend for the mothers that are attending. I really felt a calling to go. Not only for myself but to support these ladies I love so much. I can't wait to hear about the weekend and hope they all know I will be praying for them and there in spirit.

 

I am also SO thankful for so many friends bringing not only dinners but another group of friends bringing lunch items for the kids to pack for school. Let me tell you, the kids are in hog heaven and have had dinners and snacks that they usually only BEG for at the store. I stopped Henry walking out the door to school the other day with 3 packs of oreos, nutterbutter and chips ahoy cookies hidden in his sweatshirt. He picked the nutterbutters and was allowed to secretly hide the other two for after school. Ah the good life! Thank you families and friends for taking your precious time and money to do this for us! I really feel we are not deserving. One day I hope to pay it forward.

 

 

Proof...

I can't believe I am actually going to show these pictures but...

Last night I could not take another second of hair in my mouth, hair in my food, hair just floating by in the breeze willy nilly. Finally, when I noticed that my glasses had rubbed a perfect line into my temple, I knew I had to take it off. I will admit my pixie cut was better than I thought- even though it only lasted 3 days.
What really surprised me were the two little girls home sick from school- one with a yucky stomach the other with croup (!) and on breathing treatments were frighteningly MORE than a little happy to take the buzzer to their mommas head! Videos and pictures documented the process. Mohawks, spikes and zigzags were perfected. As I told Melissa, I am a little frightened for Henry and Margo and have told them to never play "beauty shop" with their sisters.

I am glad that the whole shaving process was kept "light" because of the fact that E and S could not believe I would actually let them buzz me. I really am ok without hair. It's not about the hair. If I can prolong my life I will happily be hairless! It does make me sad that it really is THE outward sign that I am living with cancer. I can only hope when people see me, they just send up a quick prayer instead of feeling badly that I don't have hair.

I just can't help it- these make me laugh.

Small Kitten...

Quickly, here are my thoughts for the day...

* Well, Dr. M was right about losing my hair again...

*Every time I run my hands through my hair, my hands look like I have a small furry brown kitten in them

*Seriously, if you are on a chemo that makes you lose your hair, you should be given a complimentary bottle of Liquid Plumber  #SOmuchhairintheshower!

*Haircut? at 1:30 today... I know Miss Holli can do magic but...

*Even if I do still feel horrible, I am so going have a glass of wine tonight.

*I am glad it is Spring and my mantle looks nice

Smooches, Kate

Excuse me, I'm sleeping...

Ugh... If I think of how I am feeling lately, Ugh is the first thing that comes to mind. I am just not 100% and that bothers me. My foot is better but still gross and sore. But certain shoes can be worn so that's progress. I don't need to be back to Indy until next Wednesday and that is for another round of chemo. My hair is hurting so I'm sure it is about to go. Then, on top of it all, I am just so tired.

Baseball has started for Henry and he is loving it. Soccer-palooza starts for all 4 Wordeman children next week- even though Margo "doesn't want to talk about it" and is appalled she is on the black team since "it is a horrible color and goes with nothing". Ahem... should be interesting...

I am so thankful for everyone sending prayers our way. It has been a rough couple of weeks.

Thank you

Wonderful...

My children are surrounded by wonderful people. I have watched this video many, many times. I love it so much- even if I cry every time. I just can't find the words...
I can only hope and pray that everyone is lucky enough to have a "Sister Marie Noelle" at some time in their life.

Dear foot...

Dear left foot,
Why the anger? In the past 44 years, I think I have treated you pretty well. I nice scrubbing and pretty polish on your toes. Many years of funky socks to wear. Lord knows enough shoes to keep you from getting bored. Yet just because of a little chemo reaction (from the LAST chemo not the new clinical trial) you have not only become more pissed off than you have ever been, you have scared the dickens out of not only myself but everyone around me. You are giving me more pain than childbirth. In fact, this is honestly the most pain I think I have ever been in.It is preventing me from walking. Dr. M gave me pain meds and steroids on Friday yet you continue to be extremely painful, swollen, red and disgusting. Foot, come on- can't we just be friends and get along?

Let's get an update here before I crawl back into my bed. Last week went well. Melissa went with me for my infusion and LONG day of blood draws. We found our hotel via a couple of interesting sites... and apparently, I used the warthog snoring app instead of peaceful ocean sounds all night. lol...
My foot had been starting back up with the inflammation and chemo reaction from my last chemo (Doxil) again and I was worried sweet NP S was going to make me wait to start the CT (Clinical Trial) Since there was no indication of this %^&*ing hand and foot syndrome with the new CT, she let me go ahead. But because of the new CT, I didn't start on any steroids as I have the past 2 times this has happened. Let's just say that my foot, elbows and knees were NOT happy.

Wednesday, came home literally minutes before the big snow storm. Thank you God for letting M and I get home before any of the rain and snow that was predicted for us the whole way from Indy to Cincy. I felt ok but tired and sore (feet etc) Thursday, Margo and I spent most of the time on the couch and snoozing. Oh and Margo painted... by herself... and "cleaned up"... ahem.
Thursday, we had a 2 hour delay because of snow and luckily GG took my children with his to school and brought them home. My stomach just felt off but still ok.
Friday, stomach not great but able to have coffee and donut holes with Amy R. Poor Amy drew the short straw and drove me to my appointment in Indy where instead of just a blood draw, I saw Dr. M about my feet, elbows and knees. Where she nodded her head, agreed they were very pissed off and prescribed me pain meds and steroids. Amy and I stopped at Applebee's and had a good lunch. Honestly, after I got home, it all went downhill from there. I went to Target to fill rx and was in so much unbelievable pain, I was shaking and nauseous. I was happy that my niece Tricia stayed with the kids while I went to Target by myself as we might still be there. LOVE her! I popped one pain pill and two steroids and was happily smooshed on the couch by 3 Wordeman children to watch a movie. I made it through the movie and had to limp to bed. I think the pain med is what is making me so nauseous. I didn't eat or drink much and to be honest it has been a very hard couple of days. Yesterday, Sarah was in an all star basketball tournament in which she and another player from her Madeira team were chosen by their teammates to represent them in this all star tournament. I have been so excited for Sarah as I LOVE the girls on this team and their parents. They truly are just a wonderful group of very talented girls. I think we are very blessed to have the ability to not only be a part of the St. Gertrude's community but also the entire Madeira community.
So, I was bound and determined to go to her game. 2 pain pills, a steroid and some crumb cake later, I was BARELY functioning at her game. Sarah made a basket, played very well and her team won. Don't ask me the score as I was too busy limping to the bathroom to vomit and then go lay in the van. Ugh...
The rest of yesterday was a blur. I really think the pain meds are making me sick so today, I took Motrin and am feeling better. Not coffee better but in due time.
I am to go to Indy tonight and have another biopsy on my neck and blood draw early in the morning.
then have some "days off" and don't need to be back in Indy until St. Patricks Day. Then, it all starts again with infusion the week after.

Some things just don't make sense...

Actually lots of things don't make sense but the one I am thinking about right now is the fact that there are 2 Wordeman children that have been snuggled on the couch watching TV since 7:21 AM. On a Saturday. Do you know the DAILY struggle John and I have on school days to drag them out of bed? I can't stop thinking " WHA? HOW? WHY?" See, not only cancer is mysterious. #shakinghead

So, back to Thursday. What a day. A very long yet productive day. Thankfully, my brain MRI came back, well, with just a brain. No sign of cancer. My EKG was fine and while my neck is sore from the biopsy, the procedure went very well and I have had much less bruising and swelling than the first time waaaay back in April 2014. Many things to thank God for!

Dr. M... what can I say, I just really like and trust her. I honestly believe that I am in the best place for treatment with her and her team. They are all just fantastic. The funny thing about my trusting and liking Dr. M is more because of her stories of her husband and children that are so similar to mine. Her humor and just a true...for lack of a better word, goodness about her. She did tell us last Thursday, that she is happy how strong I am and that I need to let her do the worrying about me right now. She said that when it is time for me to worry, she will tell me. It might sound silly, but when you are grasping at anything, hearing that is a good thing.

My new clinical trial starts Tuesday. I would like to start out by saying it is... high maintenance. There are many times I need to be in Indy. Some are going to require over night stays. Many day trips. While slightly frustrating and stressful, it just needs to be done. I am not going to say no to something that has the possibility of prolonging my life. Here is the schedule as we know it. Trust me, I could still have this wrong. Melissa and I went over it in detail last week and even a couple of beers didn't make it any better. Since it is a Phase one trial (first stage to be used on humans) the side effects are not quite well known. since different people react differently etc. They do know that there is hair loss (Miss Judy if you are reading this, I need some warmer head gear! xoxo) joint pain, nausea (to be controlled with meds) really, the "usual."
Tuesday: start trial with labs and infusion. Then hours of "watching me" and many blood draws
This will be overnight stay #1 since I need to be back to IU in the morning for more and many blood draws on Wednesday.
Thursday: I am home
Friday: back to IU for a day of blood draws
Saturday: home
Sunday back to Indy for an overnight stay since I have yet another neck biopsy early Monday morning.
Monday: blood draws and biopsy
Day 15- I have no stinking clue without having my calendar in front of me what day this is but yes, back to IU for blood draws.
Day 21: round 2 of infusion
I will say, that all of this rigamaroar only happens on infusion one and four.
Whew... I feel selfish for asking for more prayers... but I am. Prayers for John and the children. Right now we are all a little on edge you might say. lol  Prayers that this trial will not only help me but others. I would hate to go through all of this and not have it benefit further information on maybe finding a cure or a better chemotherapy for other Triple Negative Cancer patients. Please pray for all of our wonderful friends and family that are yet again going to have to step up to the plate and help us again. As I have said before, we would be lost without all of you! Again selfishly, please pray for minimal side effects for me that I will remain "strong" as Dr. M says.

I am a little nervous to actually say that my phone is back in service (Thank you Doodles for my wonderful loaner!) I am sad to say that I have lost all of my texts from so many of you that I have to admit, read and re-read many, many times. So let's start again, shall we? 513-807-3611

Smooches, Kate

A day in the life... **update

OK, the silence... Here is what I am going to do to update today. Bit by bit in will add what I can during the day. John, Melissa and I are almost to Indy. I have a long day filled with a brain MRI, lab work, a biopsy on the tumor in my neck and an appointment with the lovely Dr. M.
This is all necessary to start another clinical trial- next week.
Mondays CT scans showed progression- details the follow.

Please keep praying.

Smooches, Kate
******************************************
Hello, good old IU doesn't mess around. I have already had my neck biopsy which hurts more now that the lidocaine is wearing off than during the procedure. Also my brain MRI which went well too.
I am waiting on an ECG and then will go meet with Dr. M with my list of many questions.
I have to fast for my lab work, so John and Melissa just went to lunch. John wanted the meatball Hoagy he had last time that was delicious. Clearly, we are spending too much time here to be able to critique the food.

Late Update #2,304...

I know! I know! This is just getting a bit ridiculous. Again, I was locked out of not only the blog but all of my gmail sites. And really, as frustrating as it has been, I am embarrassed to admit that I am equally mad at myself for not fixing it before this and well, just plain lazy. I have so many posts ready to be tweaked and published- I just need to do it! I need to remember that I started this blog for others to not only to be able to be updated and PRAY for us but also to help others with breast cancer looking up sites in the middle of the night (cough cough) to help them with the same struggles I am experiencing. One of my New Years resolutions was to update and tell my story as I honestly feel more and more compelled to do.

So, Happy February 1st! How in the heck that happened already, I have NO idea.
Back on Jan 14th... John and I went to see Dr. M in Indy. I had had another CT scan on the 12th and we were so happy and surprised that my scans showed all tumors to be stable! When it comes to cancer (and I am sure MANY other diseases... and now that I am thinking about it life in general- hahaha) The whole thing is really just a crap shoot- you tweak, you guess, you pray. Every time I walk into that hospital, I pray "Lord, I TRUST you!" over and over until John and I get to the steps to go up and into Dr. M's "wing. Again, I have absolute faith that I am in the best hands I possibly could be with her and her team. Yes, it is worth the drive.

So now that the scans came back stable and we realize this is the longest I have been on a chemo without progression, I had to do a little bartering with Dr. M as she was concerned about my hands and feet falling off (slight exaggeration) We ended up not lowering the dose (Kate win) and adding in more meds (Dr. M win) and majorly slowing the infusion time (mutual win). Also, with the ultimate win of Dr. M getting to say "I told you so" if my feet and hands "act up" again. which as of 2 days ago, they have started again. My feet have been healing SO well! Now, I couldn't go get a pedi, but they had felt and looked a ton better. The swelling and itching in my hands were much better too. Until 2 days ago. Honestly, this has me really stressed out. The swelling and redness and burned feeling is progressively getting worse. I really thought I was out of the woods as for most people, this reaction to the chemo's toxicity is within a few days after infusion. NOT weeks later. UGH.
*John on the other hand- not surprised at all and is happy to tell me so. :)
Please pray that this doesn't spiral out of control. I honestly don't know what I will do.

Ok, off to Mass but I promise to update this afternoon... or tomorrow.

Smooches, Kate

Dear Jerks thanks for adding more stress in my life...

Posting from my Facebook account because I am just so annoyed...

Dear Cincinnati Bell, I seriously can't believe I again have started my day trying to STILL fix YOUR mistakes on our account that has been CLOSED since June 2014. Your executive level manager number constantly goes straight to voicemail and no one has ever returned my many calls. You have also sent both John and myself separately to collections for amounts we DO NOT OWE. As of this morning, I am so sickened and upset to STILL be dealing with you and have YOUR mistakes hurting our credit, I tearfully paid the total of $317.39. I am trying SO hard not to despise your company and have a grateful heart that we have the money to finish our ever having contact with you.

I would appreciate prayers for my scan today- that the techs can access my port on the first try. I can pretty much confirm without scans that the tumor in my neck is growing since I am having more swelling and increased pain in my neck and up my jaw... ugh

Will keep you posted after our appointment in Indy on Wednesday.

Fast Forward and Thankful Thursday...

OK, I just need to fast forward past the Holidays right now and catch everyone up on well, now.


I have to admit, yesterday was sad, frustrating and yet another "I knew this was coming" day.
There were many contributing factors. Germs- we have been SO lucky this December to not have been plagued by the crazy amount of germs that so many of our friends and family have been hit with. Margo came down with a fever Dec. 23rd that had me freaking but again thankfully only lasted 24 hrs. I have had a cough that sounds worse than it is making me feel and when checked yesterday, has not gone to my lungs. Sarah has not been so lucky. She stayed home Tuesday with a cough and sore throat. Yesterday, she woke up very sad and said she couldn't breathe... so, calls were made, people changed their plans and John and I went to my appointment in Indy and Melissa came over with Sarah and then took her to the doctors. And then to pick up her prescriptions... because Sarah freaking has pneumonia. I would not be honest if I didn't tell you the whole situation broke my heart. While again, there are just not enough words I can say about Melissa- and yes I would do the same if the roles were reversed- but they are not and sometimes it is just one hard pill to swallow. I should be the one taking my sick child to the doctors. I shouldn't have to choose between my doctors appointment and hers. I should be the one available to sit and snuggle on the couch with her. (aka watch her play on the ipad) The scenario just hit a huge nerve as it is one of the things I have imagined when...
Indy wasn't much better in the frustration department. The short story is that for the first time, the decision was made to hold off on my chemo for a week. The chemo "famous" hand and foot toxicity has really done a number mainly on my feet so to give it another week for them to heal would be best. Also, I have swelling in my neck at the tumor site which in past experience has told us that the chemo isn't working anymore and we need to move onto a new one. So, no chemo and scans scheduled for sometime before next Wednesday when we go to Indy for scan results and some type of chemo. I get "it" but still frustrating.


******************************************************************************
Thankful Thursday...


Really, just so many things to be thankful for!


Melissa- not only does she love and care for my children like they are her own but also brought us dinner! :) Everyone should be blessed to have a "Melissa" in their lives.


For Dr. M and nurse B and Dr. S whom all talked some sort of sense into me yesterday that holding off really is the best thing for me. Best line of the day? "Listen, we need to get your feet healed or people are going to think you are abusing the wrong color of bronzer!"


Thankful that there is still another chemo/plan for me.


For all of my texts, and emails and prayers- it is an amazing feeling- so many praying for me.


For Deb- because showing up at my door with not only wine but beer after just one sad text from me. I have incredible friends and am so thankful.


So thankful for my "I barely know you" friend JM for dropping off a HUGE bag of Cetaphil lotions at my door last week. You have no idea how much lotion I am going through. Thank you Jill!


Thankful for so many nieces and nephews in my life. I am so glad I got to visit and laugh with them over the Holidays. Seriously, laughing with my nephew Sean on Christmas Eve will go down in the books as one of my favorite times.(Grandpas famous bloody marys could have helped this situation)  Getting to see and laugh with John, Peggy and Tricia- home from Chicago, New York and OSU... Getting to see how much they all love my children. I am just so thankful how just really wonderful they ALL are.


Thankful for the messages at Mass the last couple of weeks- trying to put the message into action. Not always easy to accomplish but worth the effort.