Fog Advisory Lifted...

Good morning...
I am happy to say that I think I have made the turn to feeling better. Wow, what a long, hard week in many ways. When I still felt horrible all day Wednesday, I started to panic a bit. This weekend is B.I.G. Big! Our nephew Sean is getting married (to the sweetest girlie!) and all of the kids are in the wedding! I am SO grateful to John for really taking over for this weekend and making sure kids are where they need to be and doing what they need to do! Because truthfully, I can't. It is always guaranteed fun when Wordemans et. all get together for a celebration. And selfishly, I am happy to have something like witnessing two great people vow their love for each other to celebrate!

This has been a rough week for Henry. I think the kids just take turns. Last week I was worried about Sarah. This week, Henry. He just hasn't been himself. Angry, rude specifically to me, discouraged at school... It all came to a head Wednesday. Bedtime the night before was... Let's just say painful. After an hour of sobbing and crying and screaming (like wemightneedtoclosethewindowsbeforethepo-poiscalled) bad. He woke up ok but as he was getting dressed, he just simply blurted out. "Momma, are you going to die?"  It just about broke my heart into a million pieces. Short story of it all is that I was truthful and said that I am trying my best and taking medicine to kill every cancer cell in my body and had surgery and am praying but that I would NEVER not be truthful about what was happening in this process and that he will always be taken care of and that honestly, we just don't know when we are going to die and that is why Daddy and I are trying to teach him and his sisters to be kind and respectful and loving and to do their best. All of this through a face full of tears and a very tight throat. All of the anger and frustration from him all week just put into perspective with one sentence. THAT is why I HATE this cancer. I am crying right now. I hate that I can't protect my kids from it OR the feelings it brings.

It also makes me so SO grateful for everyone in our lives right now. Each person makes a difference whether they know it or not. Prayers, emails, cards, texts, phone calls, voicemails, hugs, smiles and waves, chicken noodle soup and ice cream, handmade scarves, blessing bracelets... All of it gets our whole family through this adventure we are on. John and I are forever grateful and blessed. We talked about it so much. (Well, as much as JW and I talk- this is "the" joke for us right now, talking without interruptions OR when I am awake) :)  We are amazed at the bountiful blessings we receive daily.

Henry whipped this up this morning before school and had it on my pillow as a surprise. More tears and a grateful heart. Love that kid even though I am counting every grey hair that grows back on my head because of him. Well, not ALL of them...

Checking in on poor pitiful Pearl?

This is going to be quick. I am helping Sarah with her homework and John is helping Henry. Yes, we both need a drink. Except that I have been feeling soooooo puny, a drink might just push me over the edge. I really don't have a specific ailment, just many all combined. For documentation (and whining) purposes, I will list them :)

Slight headache that just won't go away
Sore throat
Ugh... Nausea... Same thing just always there and won't go away
Horrible taste for everything- even/especially water. Everything smells and tastes like dirty sweat sock...
I.... am...tired... So,so tired. Like I could lay down and be asleep in seconds tired. Like I have bags of concrete strapped to me and am just slogging along everywhere tired. Tired...zzzzzzzzzz

Waaaaaahhhhhh! Insert poor, pitiful me face.

But, things are looking up! I ate food today! I saw the plastic surgeon and got a "fill." (cringe) I attempted to drink coffee this morning. I got to chat with Henry's teacher today and she didn't burst into tears and I think still likes him :) slight exaggeration... Really, she is SO nice and is such a great teacher! Yet another huge blessing in not only Henry's life but ours as well.

I finally found a 4 section file holder so all of the children will be organized! Hahahaha Ok, I found a 4 section file holder for our kitchen wall that I will cram each of the children's important papers into in HOPES of some sort of organization and order in this house.

Smooches,
The gal keeping her head above water

Rumplestilskin...

Rough. That would be how I would describe this round of chemo. Thursday after chemo, I came home and slept on and off. I felt only tired- I'll take that! Friday, still felt extremely tired, started the dreaded headache... It thankfully has not been as extreme as in round one. I again slept most of the day when I could and went to get my Neulasta injection. None of this could have been possible without great friends taking the kids after school, and Margo all day. Saturday is a blur. I slept, tried to keep up on meds. Again, I have no words for our friends and for John. Just amazing. I am seriously in awe at the amount of sleep I had. Sleep has always been my answer for well, pretty much anything. :) I just haven't been able to implement operation sleep since having children!
Sunday was such a pretty, fall day! We had many soccer and basketball games- all of which were again taken care of by friends, family, or John. While John was at the Bengals game, I went to Sarah's soccer game and sat in the sun. It was nice to quickly chat with friends (my laundry fairy that makes me smile every time I see her) and the girls played well and won 12-0.
This morning, I just feel completely worn down. My FIL took the kids to school. Which by the way, all three immediately getting up, dressed and ready for grandpa on time was the biggest blessing I could have been given! Highly unusual and I am SO grateful! Margo and I are planning on hanging low today (aka watching tv all day) and hopefully, I will start to turn around for the better. Another blessing I wanted to mention was from a friend yesterday. While she has children, a busy work/ travel schedule and her own busy life, she doubled her dinners and brought over 1/2 to us. Along with a special treat for me that I will cherish. Thank you Mary Ann- your friendship and smiles are huge blessings to all of us! I needed it more than you could imagine.
Margo and I are "coldie!" and are going to try some toast with butter.

Thank you everyone- for all of your prayers. Please, please don't stop they are still very needed!

Two under my belt...

With the help and prayers from all of you, I have chemo round #2 under my belt! Everything went well and I am home in bed. It really does take a village- thank you so much for all of the people taking care of the kids today and through the weekend! Smooches to you!

Here is an idea of what goes on at chemo...

 

It was only for a minute and I'm sure he will disagree. I will also have to worry about paybacks!

Tick tick tick...

It's already THAT week again. My second round of chemo is this Thursday, the 19th. Why I am letting worry and discouragement seep into my mind, I don't know. Just before I started this post, I said out loud- "I will not let this happen! I will be faithful and strong! I will conquer this cancer and round of chemo with GRACE" I feel all of your prayers and I truly feel God and his trusty angels by my side, so I there really shouldn't be any need for worry. Logically...   I CAN do this!

I am trying to get things done this week so this weekend, while I am down and out, will be covered. That is why I am sitting at the computer in my bathrobe with a cat on my lap! :)

Yesterday, was a day of so many blessings. It always amazes me what beautiful weather can do for your spirit and soul. Sitting at many soccer games in the crisp, clear blue sky and air just makes me happy. I received so many pictures yesterday that just brought happy tears to my eyes. All coming at a time I needed them most. I seriously just kept going back and looking at them all day- feel the love!

 

Also, last night, Ellie had a basketball game and Sarah also an hour later. So John and I needed to divide and conquer. Clearly, I was at the "wrong" game as I chose to go to Sarah's and Ellie's team all wore pink headbands and the beloved breast cancer Nike socks that Ellie has been REEAAALLLYYY wanting. The friends and moms put this together. John called and when he told me, I was just again overwhelmed with kindness. Kindness that these girls would think so much of not only me but especially Ellie- who is needing this kind of friendship and support now more than ever. To the moms for buying the socks etc. and for becoming my friends too. For telling me my bandanna and hat looks cute. (HA) For telling me that their daughter hasn't missed a night without saying at least three decades of the rosary for me. For the text last night from another friend telling me she can see my strength in my smile and eyes. All of it just incredible blessings that I never want to forget. And most importantly, want my children to learn from these blessings and compassion. This and the many other things all of you are doing. Taking care of my children, laundry, prayers, cards, texts, sewing and knitting me hats, all of it. THAT is where I am getting my strength and will be ready for Thursday- along with my batgirl underwear of course!

Hair today, gone tomorrow... and other things...

Well, my cute pixie cut lasted less than 48 hours...This morning there was enough hair on the floor to form a medium raccoon. Yet again, I called Holli and yet again, she fit me in- and shaved my head. She is also a blessing in disguise! I had a breakdown on John before going but knew it was inevitable. Some of the kids are fine, some Ellie, not so much. I had Chipotle with Melissa and my friend Jaime and felt better. It is just a bizarre feeling. Physically and mentally. On one hand, I "feel" fine- just tired. On the other, it is mentally draining to know that others know you have cancer every time you step out of the house.
We are packed with games this weekend and I am looking forward to the wonderfully cool, fall-like weather. I love having our windows open, wearing a sweatshirt and shorts. We are all so tired. I just can't seem to get myself and the kids into bed before 10 pm. Somehow helping three complete homework and figuring out dinner and practices we haven't been eating before 8 pm. Which had been our usual summer dinner time but clearly needs to be seriously adjusted!. The transition from third to fourth for Sarah has been a bit of a shock. She is doing well but there has been a learning curve of changing classes, teachers homework and added responsibilities. There has been much crying on her part. Not getting enough sleep is NOT helping!
Last week was a week of many doctors appointments. Everything all checked out well. I got my stitches out and my first "fill" into my expanders last Friday. I feel like Dolly Parton. John just shakes his head. Everything you wanted to know about me huh? :)
Ellie, Sarah. Henry and I went to our first of four meetings at the Cancer Family Care Center last Wednesday. the program is called Walk the Dinosaurs and I think everyone liked it as much as they could. Ellie met a really nice girl her own age dealing with her Step-father having cancer. I was shocked by the number of youngish parents and children dealing with stage 4 cancers. Very sad but makes me selfishly hopeful I will never have to experience anything more than what I am now.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I will be trying to make the most of this weather as my next round of chemo is next Thursday so I know I will be out of commission next weekend.

Mish mash of things...

Time flies when you are doing too much and by the end of the day, you are falling asleep during Henry's 20 minutes of reading. I have been busy... doing what, I am not quite sure. 6 people living in one house just amazes me the mere minutes it takes to make it look like the house has been ransacked. It makes me want to pull my hair out. Literally, hairs, falling out EVERYWHERE! As I said to people yesterday, I am more obsessed than upset right now. I think it is the veterinary technician in me. "Hey check out THIS grossness!" "Oh, you want me to pick and debride that wound on that dog? Love to!" I called my beloved friend and family hairdresser Holli yesterday and of course she fit me in... because she rocks like that. AND I brought all of the kids... just so... you know they could torture the salon, eat a mass of suckers and not be freaked out by my new "do." They all like it... too bad it is a ticking time bomb... like days. I have multiple sewing and knitting friends that will be helping me out with head wear AND I have a WIG! Pictures and stories to come soon- I have to get Margo TOHERFIRSTDAYOFPRESCHOOL!!!!!!!! GAH!

Gifts...

Good Sunday morning! Although I am snuggled in bed with my best bed buddy Henry, I am also drinking a cup of coffee! Many of you know this is a true sign I am feeling more like myself as I LOVE my morning coffee! Probably a little too much but hey if coffee makes me a happy girl, everyone in this family prospers! :)
Gifts... I want to talk about all of  the unbelievable, amazing gifts I/our family have received since the very minute of my cancer diagnosis. On one hand, they are completely unnecessary. But honestly? All- big or small, from cards and quick sweet loving notes to handmade cross stitch and quilts, all have arrived at some of my most trying times of this journey our family is on. Thank you just seems weak. They all boost my spirit even though I feel undeserving! I can't even begin to capture them all but am trying to go through some on here over time that have not only rocked me to my core with the overwhelming feeling of love but also, I think are really great ideas for others dealing with a serious life event. Please understand they will be posted in no particular order or by importance etc.! Honestly, there are some that I can't even put into words the raw emotion of  love and  blessings they have brought to me right now.
Again, thank you everyone. For the prayers, cards, emails, texts, dinners, gift cards, warm fuzzy stripy Buckeye socks :), flowers, clean laundry, clean bathrooms! bracelets, PRAYERS and more prayers! It is all very humbling.

My crappy day treats...

This pile of amazing presents are from two friends. Two friends that I happened to meet under circumstances most would never have. It turned into a group of fantastic women I couldn't imagine not in my life. So, these are called crappy day presents. Anytime I am having a rough moment,( like trying to work with Henry on homework) I open a CDP. So far,they have run the gammet of reeaalllllyyyy good chocolate to a solar powered iron owl that sits on our front porch. Isn't that just incredible? Love you Anne and Kerry- more than you can imagine. Thank you for making me laugh so hard, I have actually blamed you both for making my chest hurt! 

Chemo day 8...

Good morning! Well, as I told a neighbor this morning, I think I am on the upswing of yuck. Days 3-5 were bad. The splitting headache, the nausea, the not sleeping... Bad. But, after my "walk" with Sarah on Monday, I could feel things looking a bit brighter. Now the only side effects I feel are some (but usually tolerable) nausea and tiredness. Like youvejustrunamarathonthroughquicksand tiredness. I also get the chemo brain saying. Last night, we had meet the teachers at school and a friend asked me if I was "going to the open house tomorrow" and I just stared at her forever! Wasn't I AT the open house now? After she had to repeat it to me MULTIPLE times, I realized she was talking about Margo's open house that is this morning. Whew! I can hear my brain trying to click but sometimes misfires. I was getting cross at Sarah for using Henry's bunkbed as a jungle gym and couldn't get the right words out and ended up sputtering something completely incoherent and we ended up both just laughing hysterically.
By Friday afternoon, I will have had 3 doctors appointments! Makes lots of sense to stay out of Germy places no? :) I am SO amazed by my friends that are MORE than willing to jump at the chance to take Margo for me during my appointment times. I am very blessed.
John... Now most of you know that John, JW, Wordeman, $&1@!! As I am sometimes prone to call him :) and I have a um... Bantering relationship. But seriously, God just reaffirms how lucky I am to have found and married this man. To say he has stepped up to the plate for our family, is a huge understatement. Tirelessly. Unselfishly. Willingly. John has done more of my "tasks" in the last month than probably in our marriage. He will disagree on that one I'm sure!  Bathing children, shopping, homework, making,serving dinners! Driving the children to school in the mornings. Picking up and driving to practices. making sure he is home from work at a reasonable time to help. Anything I ask, he does. I know he is exhausted too. God is amazing in showing me yet another side of my "guy" I have known for a little over 20 years now. (!!) Now, I might change my tune a bit since you know, it's the start of "That" season... OSU and Bengal football, but I still think I am one very lucky girl!
Again this week I have been blown away by my friends and family. Cards, gift cards, wonderfully sweet notes, UNNECESSARY gifts! You have no idea how much it all means. They all come at just the right moments. Gods timing... Just amazing.

Deflated... But not defeated! ***Updated***

Good morning from chemo round 1, day 5...
I will warn you, this one might seem like a bit of a downer and I guess it is.
I feel...well, horrible. Yesterday was by far my worst day and I'm hoping I am on the upswing. I am doing better staying on top of meds but I seriously do not know if I can swallow one.more.pill.
The achy side affect from the Neulasta doesn't seem to be bad. But this headache... A whopper I tell you! It physically hurts when I touch my temples. I know I am not getting enough liquids in and is a goal for today. But everything - including water just tastes "off." I am praying this too shall pass!
My other worry has come true... Comfortable sleep. Remember August 1? I had a double mastectomy    
with expanders (aka bricks) placed? So I am still healing, still have stitches, STILL can't sleep like a normal person...even my sweet constant companion is mocking me :)

* Sarah just woke up and came out to see me. I was telling her how unbelievable this headache was and that it even hurt to touch my head and she said in her sweet deadpan voice... "Then don't touch it..."  Lord I love that girl!  Anywho... Back to complaining about how I am still sleeping sitting up in a reclining position and it bites. I want to curl up on my side and SNOOZE! 

Enough! Enough! That's all of the whining I am going to do (well right now, on here-just ask John) oh and John, doing such a fantastic job taking care of all of us. Love him!

***************************

After posting, I walked two blocks with Sarah, drank most of my coffee, 1 1/2 cups of my water,got 2 Advil down and can say I think I am feeling better! I might even hear some peanutbutter toast calling my name.