Catch up

 Let's yet again catch up.
Nashville was just so fun. Just everything about it was fun and relaxing. Moving rooms in the hotel because our shower would not work. The hotel was very pretty and a block away from all of the nightlife. We heard some really fun bands, stayed up too late and drank a bunch o beer.


I am happy to say that soccer and basketball are finishing up. I am VERY sad to say the next round will immediately be starting. Indoor soccer for Henry and Sarah, basketball for Henry and Sarah, volleyball for Sarah and play practice for Ellie (more on that later) It is just too much. I am the only one in our family to feel this way but we need to cut back. We need true family time that we are missing out on. I am afraid in the long run, this fast pace running will be regretted. Nothing is being accomplished on my part 100%  I am a hamster on a wheel and I don't like it.

John and I went to Indy to see Dr. M yesterday and also have chemo. She seemed more please with the size of my tumor than I am. So we are staying with the red chemo from last time. There were some mix ups with scheduling and the day turned into a long day of waiting and then trying to  adjust the children's schedules since we were not going to get home at a normal time. The chemo went well and we just need to pray that I have minimal side effects and that we can keep the tumors  stable.

I am trying to really enjoy this fall weather and appreciate the little things. We are hopefully going to try and carve pumpkins tonight before our two basketball tournament games. Wish me luck.

Yet again, my blog time is up. I have so many things that I need/want to say but again, need to slow down to complete them. One of these days! Thank you so much for your constant prayers. They are more helpful than you can imagine.

Smooches

Humble pie...

After so much work,more emails than I can image and the first of many meetings, this came to fruition today. On one hand, I think it is beautiful. On another, it's just so surreal that this is for me, for us. It is just so very humbling and very hard to put into words. I am still in amazement at all the crazy amount of love and prayer just for one crazy girl and one silly family. People are good.

Sometimes you just need to buck up...

Good morning from an incredibly comfortable bed in the heart of downtown Nashville ,Tennessee. As we have found that I am getting pretty great at " let's get the heck out of Dodge," John and I decided to run away to Nashville for the weekend. No children, no friends, no family, just us. We have only been here about 14 hours and have had such a wonderful time. Our drive was full of good music and happy chatter. There was a little bit (a lot) of traffic and construction that forced John to drive like Bill and me to use my invisible break pedal but all in all we are happy and really enjoying this very unusual alone time together. We celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary on the 14th with John taking Ellie to a very late basketball game and me panicking I was getting a sore throat, (manically shoving the kids gummy vitamins and vitamin C bears into my mouth) and asleep before they even got back from the game.

People are asking how I am doing. My best response is "physically, I am doing pretty well, mentally? Meh..." I kind of feel like I am just coming up from being underwater. Needing to take that big breath to possibly have to go under again. I can speak about what is going on some of it just fine but you ask me about the children or John be prepared for tears. * Sorry Mr.M at conferences last Thursday! I am sure my very teary therapy session/conference will be one for your books.

I woke up the other morning and my first thought was "oh crap we are going to be late." And the second was " this is it! You have got to buck up! " Because even when you're " underwater " life keeps moving. Very early on in this so called adventure, Ellie drew/colored me a quote that I have in our bedroom and look at everyday "Courage is fear that has said its prayers" man have I looked at that sign a lot lately! So, I'm trying to do my best to buck up a bit. The Fall colors are beautiful. The children received wonderful scores and complements at their conferences- #lovethatschool
and I need to get my act together when I get home and hopefully get our Halloween decorations out so the kids stop begging for the obnoxious screaming ghost that has motion sensors- Big thanks to grandma and grandpa for that one!
Again, thank you for your prayers. Your cards. Your texts. Your emails. Your comments on here and Facebook. They honestly are what's keeping me above the water! Don't stop. Off to enjoy some Nashville with my sweetie! Life is still good.

Hectic numbness...

I have to laugh because I was so determined to finally post something this morning while the house is still quiet, I no sooner typed the title and all of a sudden, there is a very sweet little named Margo that has just climbed into bed with me.
People ask how I am doing. Physically, this chemo has been kind so far. I am tired but able to ignore it. My stomach is "off" but am still eating normally. I am still able to have coffee in the morning which is how I gauge my level of illness. :)
Mentally, I pretty much can self diagnose- a big hot mess. I am crying or completely on the verge of tears constantly. The children know that the cancer is back and that I have had to move to another chemo. But that is it. John and I need to sit down and talk to decide how to proceed but our crazy schedules have honestly prevented it so far. And the fact that we are just a mess and numb by the path our life is taking. It can only be described as a huge, ginormous brick wall standing a foot in front of us. We can't see where it ends on the top or in either direction and the though of trying to figure out a plan to get past it is just too much. So we stand...
I again can't fully put into words how much your prayers have helped. They are so desperately needed and wanted. Thank you. Please keep them coming. So many cards and texts and calls. Thank you I love them but to be completely honest, I just can't respond right now. Please don't think they go unseen or unappreciated- they don't!  Many I have read multiple times, I am just not in the "place" where I can speak freely about everything (anything) going on right now. One because the children are always with me and two, when I do try, the floodgates open and I am afraid one of these times, I won't be able to get them to stop. Right now, we are just really really overwhelmed and are asking for prayers and more prayers. Trust me, it's ok that you don't know what to say or do- neither do we!!
So let's all pray together. Pray for the ability to communicate. Pray for health for all of us as we are getting into this germy season of snotty noses. Pray for little to no complications of my chemo. Pray that it is working to stabilize the growth of these rumors! Please pray for the Faith, Wisdom and Grace to get us over, under or through this brick wall- I am thankful it takes a village. John and I LOVE that you are our village.

Smooches, Kate

Silence among the crazy...

This is going to be a rough post. I can only warn you that it will be raw and sad since that is how I am right now. Let's not beat around the bush. Last week at Gs funeral, I was starting to feel more puffyness in my neck and tumor. It was becoming achy again and even John could feel a difference. So Friday, I again made a few calls and bought myself a lovely CT scan of the neck, chest and abdomen. By Friday evening, we were told that yes, my lymph tumors were growing but the new horrible news is that I now have tumors in my liver. The Clinical trial drug is no longer working. From August 18 (my scans that were stable) to the week of September 20 my cancer yet again outsmarted the meds and my body.  What a jerk.
To be painfully honest, I am a complete and utter mess. I just can't believe it again? So soon? I have been silent to so many because I can't even speak the circumstances out loud for fear of completely losing in front of the children and not being able to stop. I know my emotions are so raw right now, I am not only scaring myself but many close friends. But I just can't say the next steps or what this means out loud. Sweet Dr.M did say what it means time wise for me in her very kind direct hand holding way and hearing it out loud was crushing for everyone in the room. Just air sucked out of the room crushing is the only way I can explain it.
Now, trust me, I don't want to be a statistic and yes I absolutely want to live a long full life and I am NOT giving up by NO means. I just think that we all need to be on the same page and just know, I have a very aggressive type of cancer that not many have so even though Dr. M said we have many options to use and we will use them until we run out of options or my body just can't handle the options. But again, like the other reoccurrences, I somehow feel guilty. Like I am letting my family down. Like I am letting you down. Like I am letting myself down. I know it's not true but that is what I keep feeling. So moving forward, I am going to try and not let that happen. I can't stiffle my pain of disappointing you all because all it did was delay extra prayers that we desperately need now and in the coming months.
The infusion center couldn't get me in yesterday to have chemo while we were already there unfortunately. So after a very painfully silent ride home, John and I turned around and left early this morning back to IU for my new chemo. It is usually called  "The Red Devil" because of how it acts and looks but supposedly, since I will only be receiving it once a month, it shouldn't be too bad...

Ok, I keep losing this picture so,it's time to say goodnight.
Smooches, Kate