Stuck?

This will need to be a quick post! The children are off school because of the bitter cold. Everyone wants to make Gak. I have been not only trying to figure out writing this but also trying to figure out exactly how I am feeling lately. Stuck is the word that keeps coming up in my mind. Chemo is finished. Reconstruction surgery is coming up in a few weeks. My hair is slowly coming in. My neuropathy in my hands and feet are still there. My energy level is about a 2 out of 10. After last weeks appointment, I am slightly anemic but still around the same level I have been since my first round of chemo. I understand when the doctor said " you just took a beating for 6 months, it will take 4-6 months at least to recover..." But still, I just feel stuck. I'm not necessarily depressed. I can't say I am in fear of what the future holds. But in planning for future events, I just can't stop thinking of the what ifs... So I don't plan...
I didn't realize how much I mentally thought I had "control" over the cancer just because I was physically and actively going through chemo. Now that chemo is finished, I just feel like I have no control and we all know how I like my control! :)  AND even though I keep telling myself I really never had control in the first place... I am trying to figure out how to get un-stuck! I need to find and feel my trust in God like I have since my diagnosis even more so now!

I just added this picture to Facebook. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I took this the day after Christmas (yes, Henry is almost always in shorts) It was very impromptu and since I love taking pictures, something I am known to do. Especially with the kids. After and during this picture and me asking everyone to "get together with Dad for a picture"  every one of the kids asked "why?!" And "what's wrong?!" "What do you have to tell us?!" Every one of them instantly thought we had some bad news to tell them. Some absolutely positive about it, when it was nothing more than I wanted a cute picture. It just about broke my heart and really caught me off guard. I guess we will all be on edge for a while.

Last Chemo, Christmas and Resolutions

Well, clearly one of my resolutions to update and write more has not been a priority! There are so many things I want to write about, that it may take several posts. The week of my last chemo was completely exhausting. I was as sick as I can ever remember. Just down right laid flat. John was out of town for work and it was just a long week of preparing for Christmas, putting out some fires here and there, and the beginning of the kids winter break.

Christmas was just really fun this year. Stressful and exhausting-yes but oh so worth it. I loved how Henry and Margo did most of the tree decorating this year and our tree was very lopsided since the left side had about 5 times more ornaments than any other part of the tree. For the first year, I didn't rearrange a thing. I loved laying on the couch and looking at it and our mantel with the lights, garland and stockings. We went to the 3:00 Mass on Christmas Eve for the first year instead of our usual 5:00 and then straight to Johns parents. I have to say, coming home after a beautiful Mass and wrapping presents to take to the party at Johns parents was one of my best moments. We had 2 hours, the kids were happy playing with presents from Uncle Mark, John and I both had a drink in hand, music was playing...just a nice time. I don't know how many of you know about our elf Jerry but we love him and this being his third year visiting us, he has become a beloved member of our family. We all love to see what mischief Jerry gets into. While Jerry has always left with Santa on Christmas Eve, this year, Jerry was given an extended stay until New Years and a rumor of surprise birthday visits! We were all very excited.

The week of my last chemo, Jerry had to rest and the kids thought it was hilarious that he was wearing a scarf on his head like me.

I wish I could say that even after almost 5 weeks since chemo, I still am just not feeling myself.  My nails are horrible. The headaches are still lingering. And I really could fall asleep any time, any place.    My reconstruction is still scheduled for February 13th and I am really hoping to be feeling better so I can have a speedy recovery!

Again, I have a big list of things I want/need to write about but will say, that I am fearful that since chemo is over, people are under the impression that we don't need the focus of prayers anymore. We DO! I DO! Thanks, they are so appreciated.