Stuck?

This will need to be a quick post! The children are off school because of the bitter cold. Everyone wants to make Gak. I have been not only trying to figure out writing this but also trying to figure out exactly how I am feeling lately. Stuck is the word that keeps coming up in my mind. Chemo is finished. Reconstruction surgery is coming up in a few weeks. My hair is slowly coming in. My neuropathy in my hands and feet are still there. My energy level is about a 2 out of 10. After last weeks appointment, I am slightly anemic but still around the same level I have been since my first round of chemo. I understand when the doctor said " you just took a beating for 6 months, it will take 4-6 months at least to recover..." But still, I just feel stuck. I'm not necessarily depressed. I can't say I am in fear of what the future holds. But in planning for future events, I just can't stop thinking of the what ifs... So I don't plan...
I didn't realize how much I mentally thought I had "control" over the cancer just because I was physically and actively going through chemo. Now that chemo is finished, I just feel like I have no control and we all know how I like my control! :)  AND even though I keep telling myself I really never had control in the first place... I am trying to figure out how to get un-stuck! I need to find and feel my trust in God like I have since my diagnosis even more so now!

I just added this picture to Facebook. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I took this the day after Christmas (yes, Henry is almost always in shorts) It was very impromptu and since I love taking pictures, something I am known to do. Especially with the kids. After and during this picture and me asking everyone to "get together with Dad for a picture"  every one of the kids asked "why?!" And "what's wrong?!" "What do you have to tell us?!" Every one of them instantly thought we had some bad news to tell them. Some absolutely positive about it, when it was nothing more than I wanted a cute picture. It just about broke my heart and really caught me off guard. I guess we will all be on edge for a while.