So, Good News First or Bad?

Let's start with the bad and just move on shall we?

After my 10th and final radiation on Monday, John, Melissa and I went upstairs for our appointment with Dr.A (the oncologist) There was question of more testing before starting chemo which would require an overnight hospital stay or two. After being told that with having these tests, it wouldn't change the outcome of the chemo, we decided to just jump into chemo since I was rightfully feeling a huge sense of urgency to get these chemos into me and start killing all of the cancer cells.

Now, after giving birth to 4 children, I learned very early on you just don't ask your doctor "how big the baby is" BEFORE you must deliver the baby. There just isn't a point to it. No matter how big the baby is, the doctor is just guessing and you still have to birth said ginormous although guaranteed sweet baby. I am also going to apply this to our conversation with Dr. A last Monday. When you ask point blank, how much time he thought I have on this Earth, A. You are never going to be happy with the answer because it would never be enough time. B. Although he is a very qualified doctor, his answer is just a very scary guess.

It comes down to this. IF this chemo combo does not work at controlling the cancer AND I am too weak to continue onto another chemo, well, let's just say I didn't like his answer and I really should probably start getting my shit in order. But you know what? I will NOT give up. I want John and my children to remember that I loved them so fiercely that I would do anything to stay here with them.

Speaking of the children, I am just so worried about how they are handling the news of all of this. Clearly, they have an abridged version but still honest. It is just so horrible that I can't say " It will be fine" now I say "You will be ok" I.hate.it.

Ok enough lets talk good.

John and I had narrowed down our house choices to one we can't afford and one we really can't afford. :) Last Saturday, we had two showings on our house and found ourselves in front of the house on G. Lane. Then we drove around the neighborhood. Then back down G. Lane. Then sitting in the driveway of G. Lane. While sitting in the driveway, out of the corner of my eye, I see a hummingbird flittering around the front bushes!! Then, it zooms around the yard! And back to the bushes! Not many people know that hummingbirds have always reminded me of one of my favorite people in the world whom I considered my "Mom" for many years Ann Ward. The last time I have seen a hummingbird was outside our back porch when I was calling friends and family about my breast cancer diagnosis two years ago. I feel like a little piece of my heart was forever broken when Ann passed away from breast cancer before Sarah was born. So, you can imagine my complete freak out and sobbing upon seeing this hummingbird. We put an offer in that night and as of yesterday, barring the inspection, we are the very happy yet flipped out home owners of a beautiful house on G. Lane. It is further away from our circle of friends and family but are praying they won't mind the extra 10 minute drive to visit and help us.
Also, when I was having chemo Monday, we were sitting next to the nicest older couple. The wife was receiving chemo and she looked as defeated as I felt. I'm sure it was not the best day she has ever had. The sweet husband held her hand and was just so nice. We chatted about different things, they had twin 45 year old sons and about grandchildren etc. When our friend who blessedly and amazingly works for Dr. A. came over to check on us, we were chatting about the house on G. Lane and the husband says " We live on G. Lane!" AREYOUKIDDINGME?!?! 14 houses on the entire street and we are sitting next to each other. God is so good at giving peace. It never ceases to amaze me.

I have been told many times about The Basilica of Our Lady of Consolation in Carey, Ohio. And a really nice, hand written letter from our friend Fr. Jim encouraging me to go has prompted us to jump into action and go this Sunday. PLEASE consider joining us there for the Noon mass and to then prayerfully tour the grounds which I have heard are beautiful. I am really looking forward to it!

Ok enough, this has taken me too long to write and Melissa has 1/2 of my children! Again, thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts. For your dinners and lunches and snacks. For your wonderful cards and emails and texts. I love my village that is holding us. Thank you...

Just...ugh...

This week has been has been utterly and completely exhausting. Radiation has been going fine. I finished my 9th radiation this morning and my last one will be Monday. I am then hoping (can't believe I am saying that) to jump straight into a new chemo. I have a slight sense of urgency for this. Because ... Of the results of my CT scan I had last Monday... It isn't good and I feel so horribly mad and bad. Like I am not only disappointing myself but everyone praying and doing so much for our family. I hate the fact that my own body is failing me. I mean sure I haven't treated it perfectly #myloveforDoritos... But it's not like I ever smoked or did drugs!
I have more metastasis in my... Liver- too many to count but 2 very large masses (4cm x 3+ cm)
                                                   Hard palate of my mouth and sinus - Wha? Huh?
                                         Lymph- just a lot of places including a chain up my jugular vein in my neck
And let's recap, And add in what we already knew- spine and brain

See, I told you I was falling apart. I feel better that again, this great team has a plan. Just as God does for me, like it or not, I am along for the ride.

Eleven years ago on July 22, I gave birth to one of the sweetest girls I know. My Sarah Ann. I can't believe she is 11! Melissa and my friend AR organized the best surprise party for her (and me,) with some of our friends and family. It was wonderful to see her truly smile. She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and it worries me considerably.

I am unable to drive and it is oh so humbling. I also fell again- my own stupidity turning and reaching for socks. I am using a wheelchair out and about and must use a cane or preferably a walker that I just  was given today. Thank you LJ! My neuropathy and weakness is going to be an extremely slow recovery- if at all but all of the docs are hopeful. 

You just would not believe how many people have helped us out since all of this news has hit us again. Thank you just doesn't seem enough.

As you know, we are working on selling and buying houses. This seems silly, but I am asking you to please pray John and I make the best and wisest decision for our family. And that our house sells asap (Mrs. Bayer, we are getting St. Joseph to bury!) so we have the ability to make an offer on a house. After our news, I think it is safe to say John and I are feeling a hopeless sense of urgency. 

Thank you everyone for storming Heaven on our behalf - you just can't imagine the comfort we feel from your prayers.

Whirlwind...

How is it that in less then a week, I have gone from this...

To this...

As I had said, my neuropathy has been horrible and I was having trouble walking on numb feet. Last week while on our wonderful vacation, I fell again trying to get out of the rain on the beach. My legs just wouldn't hold me up. Since this was my third fall in a week, the next morning, I called IU and talked to my sweet nurse C thinking I was definitely out of the clinical trial and was thinking she could schedule some scans and get me going onto my next adventure. Of course this would have had to have been done Monday or Tuesday as our family was to be going to Michigan Wednesday (today)

Dr. M wasn't in but C told me what was happening was not good and that she would talk to Dr. M when she got in and call me in a couple of hours. It was blue skies and I got into my swim suit ready for a great day at the beach. Except C called back within 15 minutes and said that Dr. M wanted me to go to the ER for a brain scan. Wha? Um... No thank you I was going to the beach! Now I do confess that really for the first time on this journey, I was a bit of a tootie- tottie. I wanted to go to the BEACH! It was clear blue skies! Why could this not wait until Monday when I was back home?!

But, as usual, John and Melissa talked some reasoning into me  forced me to get dressed and go to the ER. So, yet again, thank God for Bill and Melissa who took our combined 8 children to the beach for the day. Hey, they had beer AND snacks and the BEACH- don't feel too sorry for them. 😀

The ER doctor was very nice and since I was having leg weakness, he added a lumbar MRI in addition to the brain MRI. 

When he returned after my tests, John and I were completely dumbfounded to have him tell us that my cancer has not only metastasized to my brain, but also to my L1,L2 and L4 vertebrae. I was also told that my L2 was not stable and he was very worried about it fracturing.

 Dumbfounded I tell you. Just shocked and oh so sad.

We decided to not tell the kids until we were home. They knew something was going on but that we were waiting on tests. 

We have a friend in the business you might say and are SO blessed to have him take us under his wing and get us in to some fantastic doctors he trusts and whom are willing to work with our beloved Dr. M at IU. Sometimes it's not what you know, it's who you know. He had appointments lined up for first thing Monday morning and was the first smiling face we saw walking into that office. God is so good at placing the right people in your life at the right times!

We told the children after church on Sunday. I'll  be honest, I was sick to my stomach. Why was I having to yet again do this to them!? All because my body can't beat back cancer, they get to live with uncertainty and sadness. It disgusts me and is just not fair. This is also the first time we have told them that we honestly don't know what the outcome will be but that we feel this has taken a turn for the serious. Everyone was devastated as you can imagine. Margo has no clue and laughed. 

Moving onto the medical... I finished round 2 of 10 rounds of radiation this morning. My legs are extremely weak and I am using a cane and am getting a walker- comments at diffrent times from Margo and Sarah upon being told this.

Margo: "like those things old ladies use?"

Sarah: " geez mom, GRANDMA doesn't even use one of those!"

Nice...

These ladies make me happy

Too long...

The apologies from me are plentiful. Gratefully, so much going on in our lives, yet taking the time to really talk about how I am fairing seems hard to put into words because then it makes "it" real.

I think the only way to catch up is just in snippets.

* As of last Thursday, our house of 14yrs is for sale! The work of my "guy" (our favorite painter/ can do anything man) the storage container, two dumpsters, my sister and especially Melissa and Kelly W. will never be the same. Honestly, there was a day Kelly had our craft shelves packed AND the entire bookcase loaded into the storage container by herself before I could blink. It is incredible to feel the love of friendship. Besides the fact she has the uncanny ability to talk John into getting rid of his treasures -aka crap like no one else.

* Henry, Sarah and Margo were hit by a horrible virus. Fever, sore throat and yucky stomach. Sarah was hit the hardest and not only went to one Children's hospital but two in one day. There were questions of her appendix and even mono but ultimately it all came down to the virus. It took a long time for her to fully recover. How the rest of us were spared is truly a miracle and a blessing.

* Johns Mom celebrated her birthday of a number I am not allowed to mention :) Unfortunately, during her celebration, Sarah and I were at children's and missed all of the fun. She is one of my favorite women in my life and I don't think she believes how grateful I am to have her not only in my life but also such a wonderful mother-in-law.

* We are in Florida with the Riehles. A friend of ours gave us their house for the week and we are having a much needed, fun filled time together . Again the blessings and generosity of friends just amaze me. I will add some pictures later since Margo is bugging me to go watch her swim and I have spent too much time away from the fun.

* Ok, let's just hit the nail on the head... Since we last talked, things have gotten better in some ways yet worse in others. During my time "away," I have really tried to focus and get back to my Faith and relationship with God. It is easy with so much stuff going on to lose that focus. I am trying very hard to just listen and believe He has my best interest in mind and really have Faith. I've come to the conclusion that while I do believe this, I don't necessarily have to like it. :)
The last time I went for chemo, I was struggling and Dr. M and I worked on changing and tweaking my meds. She also showed us a report showing a total 74.4% reduction in all tumors since I started this clinical trial! So, even though this chemo has given me more serious side effects than all of my others combined, how do you NOT say " sure! Plug me in again!"

* I am having horrible neuropathy in my hands, feet and legs. I can't feel them until I just feel pain. It is frustrating, embarrassing and scary. I have fallen twice- once at Applebee's trying to pick up Margo. My legs just gave out. It is such a weird feeling and the weakness and how slow I am frankly just pisses me off.

* Because of my side effects, chemo has again been postponed. Something I used to fear, now I am grateful for. Go figure huh?

I am not liking where I am physically in this whole cancer process but am happy that I am again trying to focus on what is best for not only me but for my family.

More to come...

Again I would so appreciate prayers and good thoughts and I promise to update soon- with pictures!

Smooches, Kate