Overwhelmed with kindness...

John and I have just had a great dinner. We are both just blown away by not only the kindness and love of our friends and family but also complete strangers and acquaintances. The outpouring of love and prayers just brings us both to tears. I have wanted to take pictures of all of my beautiful gifts and cards that have been pouring in but just haven't had the time. Next week when I am recuperating! John and I had such a great talk about how our lives are going to be turned upside down tomorrow. We were talking about how people get mad at God for causing suffering and tragedy in their lives. Neither has ever crossed our minds. Am I looking forward to what's to come? No. But I am confident that God, like all of you, only wants the best for us.
Saying good bye to the kids tonight was hard- they were excited to be going to the Riehles and I don't think any of them realized it would be many days before they see their Momma! When I gave one last wave from our front steps and came inside, the sobbing started. As many have said, I need to focus on me now to be as mentally and physically strong as I can be through this journey. I am trying with the help of all of you. I am not kidding when I tell you that after about 3 minutes of crying, my phone started beeping and going crazy. Text after text after text of well wishes and prayers and hugs. Just when I needed it most! Thank you. Please keep the texts and messages and especially prayers coming. I'm sorry I just can't respond most of the time. Not only time wise but energy. It is all just so emotional.

So, tomorrow is The day! Please pray not only for me but John and the children. For the strength and love for us to get through this with the utmost faith in God. To work as not only a loving family but as a team helping each other be our best. Pray that every single cancerous cell is removed from my body.Pray for fast and complete healing for my body. Please pray for all of my surgeons, nurses and everyone caring for me- That they have the Faith, wisdom and grace to do their best with what they have been trained to do.

Rumor has it John will be updating when I cannot. That right there might be worth going through surgery! :)

Negative, the new positive...

First major bit of good news since this all started rolling. I found out today that I am BRCA NEGATIVE! Trust me, great news indeed. John and I also saw the plastic surgeon again today. All systems are go for Thursday. I am already missing my coffee I won't be able to have that morning.

So, to recap, Thursday, I have to be at the hospital at 6 am (!) I will have dye injected so my sentinal nodes "light up." Then sentinal node biopsy and other lymph nodes biopsied if the sentinals are positive.   I will have a port placed for when I begin chemo. A double mastectomy and then reconstruction with expanders placed. Whew! I expect I will wake up feeling like Ellie has made me ride every roller coaster at Kings Island about 20 times each but at least Thursday, I will be on some good meds! I have SO many wonderful, thoughtful treats from friends that I want to share and will hopefully get to them before Thursday BUT also wanted everyone to know that visitors will NOT be allowed at the hospital OR at the house for at least a week. Not only is this a major life change that we as a family need to figure out, but it is imperitive I heal as fast and completely as I can to move onto the next part of this crazy journey. Please keep praying!

My Breast Friend...

The day that I decided to go to HHI, was also the morning I had to call Dr. K the reconstructive surgeon. We all needed to be on the same page so Dr. H and Dr. K could both be scheduled for my surgery.  I started talking to the receptionist and was told that appointments were about 10+ days out. Ugh, I really wanted to get a surgery date. (Clearly, I wasn't thinking as I was going to be in HHI for the next 7) as we were talking about dates, she stopped and said " oh wow! A cancellation has JUST popped up on my screen! There isn't anyway you would be able to come in TODAY at 2:15 is there? I have never seen that happen!".  Yet another blessing answered.
After making some calls to family and friends and cashing in some of my golden babysitting tickets, (more to come on those later) my sister-in-law Sue took the children and my friend Jill came with me as comical support, mental support and her fantastic writing skills. John was working and panicking about leaving for HHI, so I didn't even bother him about going to this meeting. He is coming back with me next Monday and I am hoping for another one liner like the one he had many years ago before Ellie was born at our birthing class.
Yet again, Jill was fantastic at asking questions I had never thought to ask and writing all of Dr. Ks information for me. I will admit, I completely underestimated the severity and issues that can arise from this surgery. And now that I have decided on a double mastectomy, I am having even more stress. The fact that I can't drive for 3 weeks (!) not only has me already feeling trapped but also a little worried that my four little blessings :) might have me duct taped to a chair at some point. I am only slightly kidding. :)
What if Starbucks is sending me the bat signal for an immediate iced coffee? What if Target has something on sale that I HAVE to go get? What if  I haven't had Chipotle in more than 4 DAYS?! You get my point. Yes, I know, it's a control thing. Yes, I know you are all VERY surprised by this. Ahem...
Back to Dr. K, basically, the short story is this... I will have expanders placed at the time of  my mastectomies. Every week or 2, I go into her office and she injects saline into the expanders to do just that,expand my skin. This is happening all during my chemo. Radiation is what screws me and my skin apparently. It just ruins skin tissue to the point where surgery and trying to surgically close radiated tissue is almost impossible. Dr. K said I have a 50/50 chance of my skin closing correctly after radiation and when she places the implants. Otherwise, she goes to plan B and will take skin from my back to use for my chest. OR I could pass on the expanders, wait the 6 a 12 months after radiation that I have to wait anyways for my implants to be placed, and will use the skin from my back. I am taking the 50/50 chance. Either it works and my back is spared from scars, or it doesn't and I end up with the same out come.
We also looked at what I call "the boob books." I really shouldn't be sassy about them since I will eventually be added to one of them. They are pictures of before, 3 months, 6 months and after implants. I also completely underestimated not only how " normal" looking the women's chests are but am amazed at the outcome. Did you know that you can have nipples tattooed on?! No, I will not be showing pictures here. But I have contemplated charging for feels... cough,cough...Bill...:)
After leaving Dr.Ks, Jill and I went to Starbucks to go over everything I had just been told. It's a weird place to be. On one hand, I like knowing and having the information. But on the other, I still can't believe we are talking about ME!
Sorry Jill, but I have to tell this ending as it truly one of the hardest times I can remember laughing.
After Starbucks, I dropped Jill off at her car in the very crowded Blue Ash Rec. Center pool parking lot. Jill got out of my van and was standing there with the door open and she kept looking around as I was profusely thanking her for going with me on a moments notice blah blah blah
And that is where she lifted up her shirt, bra and all and flashed me her girls. Yes, right in the parking lot. She said "we'll, I just saw your boobs for the last 2 hours and I felt like I needed to even the score and let you see mine. So there, we are even" I love you Jill not only for flashing me but for all of your help and  wonderful friendship. You are my BREAST friend!
 Again, I seriously cry I laugh so hard thinking back to that moment.

Hilton Head Island

We left about eleven at night and drove and drove. Since I was/ am not sleeping, I took the 2- 7:30am shift and was amazingly wide awake the entire time. The Riehles were already there and we luckily were in the condo right next door. There are no words how fun and therapeutic the week was. I am a little scared to see Melissa's therapy bill. :) Even if it is in beer payment form. The kids had a wonderful time. Bill, John and others played some crazy sand/ goofball game for hours a day on the beach. Melissa as usual, never sat still and made sure I had enough food and MORE than enough drink. Nothing beats a beer on the beach, listening to kids play, the waves and feeling the sun on my face. Again, it was wonderful. Bill and Melissa and all of Melissa's family that arrived later in the week may never be the same, but I will always be grateful not only to all of them, but to John for making it happen.

The breakdown of 2013. Part I

I call this part I because well, let's face it, the year is only 1/2 over and so far, there has been a bit of stress. I really thought I had been dealing with all of this news pretty well. Going through the motions. Telling the children, talking with friends, telling family. In hindsight, I was just in complete shock. I hadn't been sleeping at all... Literally, I couldn't get my brain to shut off. One night, even 4 episodes of 19 Kids and counting couldn't put me to sleep. I kept threatening to John that I just wanted to get in the car and go somewhere.  Saturday night, Johns sister and BIL offered to take the kids so we could go out to dinner and catch up- without interruptions. And that's why I will NEVERBEABLETOSHOWMYFACEINMAGGIANOSAGAIN...
We started talking and the tears started flowing and then I started sobbing and then I could.not.stop. So John was trying to be funny and say that everyone thought he had just told me he was having an affair with our 21 year old Swedish nanny. So then I started laughing AND crying like a psycho and still couldn't stop. I just felt sick to my stomach and defeated. It was all just too much. The drive to get the kids wasn't much better and poor John, to say I let it all out is an understatement. Again, he was and is my rock through it all. He may joke and say he is used to my breakdowns by now... Ahem... Don't believe him. :) by the time we picked up the kids, my eyes were pretty much swollen shut from crying and my head was pounding. The urge to just leave Cincinnati and go to the beach and feel sand on my feet, sun on my face and hear the waves was overwhelming. I knew it wouldn't make it all go away, but I wanted nothing more than to be relaxed and to let the kids have one last bit of crazy fun before this all became very real to them and us. That's when I booked the condo in Hilton Head. And probably also when John realized he was married to a nut job when I called him at work on Monday and said " I booked the condo in HHI, tell your boss, we are leaving tonight" after some silence and I believe a couple of swear words he just said ok.

Backwards...

I need to catch you up, and myself so I can remember some of these events. On July 3rd, I started my day with a breast MRI. It was not as bad an experience that I have read about. IV went fine, laughed at the fact that I am laying face down on a table with two holes for my chest to fit/hang into. Yes, I asked the tech what if someone's chest is too big to fit in there... She never really answered but I have an idea. :) Yes, it is very loud and obnoxious. There is a constant banging and whirling noise- but nothing that someone with either a 6 year old boy and- or 4 kids isn't used to or can't tune out. Again there was confirmation from the MRI tech about Dr. H. The tech did her internship there and could not speak more highly of Dr. H. I kept hoping that the results would be sent before our 4 pm consult with her. (No such luck) John and I had both been told to have someone come with you to these appointments to be your ears and help write down... Well everything. At first I was like ok and then I thought oh jeez, we are two human beings... One can write down what we need. I thought I was being melodramatic by asking someone (Melissa) to come with us. Then, that morning, I was talking to my friend Jill and she offered to go with us if we didn't already have someone. When I told her just John and I were going... Well, let's just say in true to Jill's friendship, she might have STRONGLY encouraged I reconsider. :) and let me tell you, sitting in that office with my heart pounding and tears running and my jaw to the ground, all I kept thinking was " thank you God for my friendship with Jill and her words of encouragement to bring someone along."  It ( and Melissa) was a saving grace without a doubt.



Hey, dark picture, but you all know how I need to capture moments!

There isn't a lot you don't know from this very long meeting but here are some...
I did the BRCA testing to see if I carry a genetic mutation that's caused this whole mess. Results are still not back. The whole time, I completely kept thinking that there was no way this was happening! It was a very bizarre feeling.

Blessings...

I am awestruck by the amount of blessings that have been bestowed upon me. It saddens me that I might have always had these daily blessings, yet was just too busy and consumed by, well, life to take the time to notice and appreciate them.

Some are just little snips- after my biopsy, I stopped in for aniced-coffee  at dunkin donuts- it was after 3 pm- 99 cent special- holla! After paying and receiving my delicious goodness. (We all know I love me some coffee!) the young man working there said " hey, I really hope you have a blessed day."  Just a sweet kid that has no clue on the impact one sentence made to the rest of my day.

Last year at this time, John and I were so stressed about moving our children to a new school and our family to a new parish. Had this been on the "table" now, it would have completely been canceled. I feel so blessed that God gave us a year to join and acclimate to this school and parish for it gives me huge comfort that we are in the right "place."

I finally spoke with our priest-Fr. AJ... Yet again, as when i met with him regarding changing schools and parishes, his words were by no means preachy, just down to earth and with heartfelt meaning. I was telling him of my anger and fear for the children and he just said " Kate, the ONLY thing fear and anger does is take away strength and energy. You are going to need a lot of both. Give. It. Up. The only thing you need to focus on is your relationship with god and his relationship with you. Because at 4 in the morning, you can call a friend or family member for help. But God will be with you 24/7."  I just love him.

While I expect to have a priest talk about God, I am amazed that two of my doctors have both said things that have made me feel like I am in the right hands. My PCP called upon getting biopsy results and said " oh Kate, I am so sorry, I had been praying for you all weekend hoping the results were different."
When we went to meet with my surgeon, towards the end of a very long, emotional meeting, she said " I will give you a bit of advice. Faith... You are going to dig deeper for your Faith than you ever have before. And then you will dig even deeper. But it will always be there when you look for it and need it." It still gives me chills!

Last night, I made the last of my calls for Sarah's pool birthday party. Yes, I had to call as I have been a tad busy...it was to a really nice ST. Gertrude's family. I knew the husband more than the wife since he was Sarah's basketball and volleyball coach last year. I had spoken to the mom but no more than to say hi and mooch on their adorable toddler. Something in our conversation had me telling her that I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and POW a huge blessing came upon me. She is a physician! I had no clue! We ended up talking for about 45 minutes and she confirmed how much she likes and respects not only my surgeon but also plastic surgeon. She also calmed my fears and finalized my decision to have a double mastectomy.  I hung up the phone and just prayed and thanked God for allowing us to have that conversation. She will never know how much our chat lifted my prayers and spirits.

All of you... The phone calls, messages, comments. Thank you. I am truly feeling your prayers! I told John I woke up this morning feeling stronger and more clear headed than I have in weeks. Please keep them coming. They are appreciated more than you will ever know.
Maybe we should start praying that I can get the laundry and this house in order before August 1!

What we know...

There is so much I want to write. Not only to possibly help someone going through this process, but just for me to remember and re-read a year from now and think "Ha! You were just at the bottom of the mountain looking up! Now you have made it to the top! Rejoice!" But for right now I want to get as many people I know to have this blog for updates and info if they want. And more importantly, for as many prayers as I can get. I will take as many as I can get.

 So I am going to jump forward a bit...

Here are the updates that I know...

Infiltrating ductal carcinoma - left breast
High grade 3
Triple negative
1.6cm tumor with undetermined mass surrounding- totaling about 4-5cm
100% will have a port placed and chemo
Most likely radiation

August 1, 2013 will have a single mastectomy but most likely double mastectomy - by my choice (will talk about that one later) Will have the port placed and sentinal node biopsy to see if the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes.
Will have expanders placed by the plastic surgeon ( Dr.C) in the same surgery.
Will be in the hospital at least 2 days.

Telling the children...

There are no words to describe how gut-wrenching telling the kids was. Trying to be brave yet letting them know that we will need their help and that it would be a long year. Doing what "they" had said when I researched telling your children you have cancer until 5 in the morning the night before. Using the word cancer. Letting them know they didn't do anything to cause it. I didn't either. Assuring them we are a team in this process and that I will be honest with them and that we all need to work together. It was horrible. Ellie (11) just burst into tears and cried. Sarah (8) just shrank ten times her size. You could see her physically close herself into a shell. she said nothing but just had silent tears running down her face. As expected, they both did reacted as we thought they would and it was just horrible. Henry (6) I think surprised us the most. As usual, we underestimated his reaction. You could tell he was immediately sad but asked the most questions.
"Do you have to take medicine that makes your hair fall out?" 
Yes
" you will look weird"
Probably
"It's good that Dad has a lot of hats!"
Yep sure is
"Will you have your operation at the hospital where I was born?"
Yes
"Can we visit you?"
I don't think so because you will probably be having too much fun with all of your cousins...
"Oh..." 
That night while putting him to bed, he just started sobbing. When asked what was the matter, he squeaked out " I don't want you to die because you make the BEST pancakes!!" 
Oh sweet boy... I didn't have the heart to tell him that McDonalds usually makes him those pancakes.
I would rather be remembered for my grilled chicken and veggies! :)
Margo (3) had no clue but knew something was wrong and that everyone was sad and kept rubbing my arm.

I can't ever remember such an overwhelming "momma bear" urge to protect my children. To put my arms around all of them and hold on tighter than ever before. To shelter them from all of this mess. To just grab them and run far,far away. But I can't, so I need to turn this fear into fight.
I know I can get through all of this thrown at me. I know I have the strength to do it. I am so sad and mad and disgusted that my children have to do it too, I can barely stand it. I know God has a plan for it all and I know they are resilient and I know that they will "deal" with what is thrown at them. But they should not have to do this. I don't want them to have to. I don't want them to face this type of fear at their ages. It's just not fair. But as I tell the children " Fair is where you get cotton candy..."

Rainy phone calls...

After John and I talked, I left to "run errands" so the kids would not see me in the state I was in and not hear me talking. I drove about 1/2 miles to the TJ Maxx parking lot. I wanted to go in and buy a journal to start writing the information I was getting and the millions of questions that were flying through my head. Before I could get out, the rain started. Not just a rain shower, a deluge. A downpour so strong and fierce I couldn't even call my Ob/Gyn as I couldn't even hear over the rain drops on the roof of the van. it matched my disposition perfectly. Dr.V beat me to the call and in his usual fashion, somehow made me laugh. He referred me to Dr. H with very high regards. I called her office, was told that she would be returning my call within 24 hours. Lesson one- this whole process of cancer is a waiting game. Many calls to friends and family have been understandably difficult. One in-particular, was to my friend Melissa. John and I and Bill and Melissa and all of our children are very close. We are our oldest daughters God parents. They are our best friends and I knew when I had told her and John, it meant that I really had cancer. Calling her was horrible, not only because it was as I would have imagined if the tables were turned. It was just such a blow but as usual, at the end of the conversation, we had agreed this news sucked, that I was going to kick cancers ass and that I would have an overwhelming amount of support doing so. Oh, and that we needed to meet at Toot's that night for wings and beer. That is our answer for pretty much everything....pregnant? New baby? Let's go to Toots and celebrate! New furnace? Toot's! Splinter? Toot's! Promotion? Want to avoid laundry? You get the point. 

During dinner that night, Dr. H called. I went to the car and we talked for about 45 minutes. I really liked her and am amazed how her name keeps coming up in different circumstances- all of them positive. She was going to schedule a breast MRI and squeezed me in for Wednesday, the 3rd at 4:00.

Strength

In the 19 years I have known and loved John, we have been through a lot as a couple. Death of family members, miscarriages,illnesses, emergency back surgery,the birth of our four wonderful children,  job and career changes, and more shared laughter that many never experience. I hated calling him with this news and was crying so hard I really don't think he could even understand me. All I could hear him say is " I will be right home- I love you" and he was. I have never held onto him physically  or mentally more than when he walked in our door. Well, he had to find me in the basement doing laundry since I couldn't  get it together to be upstairs with the kids. He is such a positive rock of strength and love. Just a huge blessing that I love with all of my heart.

Finding out...

Monday, July 1... A new month, the plans for a fun week, the annual family Wordeman 4th of July picnic ( which is also my 19th anniversary of ever meeting the entire Wordeman clan for the first time) altered by one single phone call. Dr. P called around 1:30pm. He has such a calm voice and demeanor. The kids were in the house, so I went out onto our back porch (that I am now calling my office) with the only things I could find to write with- a purple crayon and my coupon book. Dr. P just simply said that he was very sorry to tell me that my biopsy came back with bad news. It showed that I have infiltrating ductal carcinoma, that it is high grade and an aggressive type. He hadn't called my Ob/Gyn but would then and I should give him a call so he could refer me to a surgeon. I didn't even cry while on the phone. I just calmly said that I wish he had called with better news and he said he really thought he would have been and that he was very surprised too. I hung up and cried and immediately prayed. Looking back on the past week, before the biopsy, and everyday since, the  prayer that I have been repeating over and over " Please Lord help me                     with Faith,Wisdom and Grace."

Let's start at the beginning...

Well at least to the beginning part of this "new" life of ours. A life of a mother, wife, sister, friend just diagnosed with breast cancer. It all started at Christmas when I got on the scale and could not believe the number I was seeing. I didn't want to always feel tired. I didn't want my back to hurt. I wanted cute clothes that fit! I wanted to be a healthy role model for my kids. I did NOT want to be at the weight i was. So, with Faith, the wisdom of my cousin/friend and determination, I lost 50 pounds. I feel the healthiest and happiest now than I can remember...and I have some cute clothes to boot! I guess you can call my weight loss my first blessing, because without it, I never would have felt the lump in my left breast. I did what I was "supposed" to do. I waited through a cycle to see if anything changed. It didn't. On June 24, 2013, I called my Ob/Gyn and he scheduled a mammogram. They could get me in the next day. The 25th ended with me not only having a mammogram, but an ultrasound and a date for a core biopsy with my new best friend, the radiologist on the 27th. I was told that although I had SO many pluses going for me- age 43, having breast fed all 4 of my children, no genetic history of breast cancer, my mammogram looking "unremarkable" we still should do a biopsy since what the radiologist (Dr. P) saw and what I was feeling was irregularly shaped and large. I ignorantly had zero concerns at this time... Well, lets say little concern. June 27, 2013 had my ultrasound guided core biopsy and completely behaved myself if I do say so myself! I mean I watched the ultrasound tech like a hawk to make sure she followed sterile procedure! I even asked Dr.P if he wanted me to glove up and hold the US wand or help him with the butterfly sutures. :) I also asked him for a note for John to get out of doing laundry and dishes for a month... Dr. P said sorry but no to all.