Learning to have Faith...

Hello! Hello! I owe everyone big apologies! My silence hasn't necessarily been purposeful but the few minutes I have had to write, I just am finding it hard to find the right words.
Let's go waaaaaay back to my last post. Sigh... I guess it is just what I am going to feel the rest of my life. Because the reality is, eventually, one treatment will stop working and I will begin another. So I just need to be realistic that this is going to happen. I just really don't like that little black cloud that I always seem to be running from.
So after my last post, I....um....wenttohiltonheadwithmelissaandourchildren...
Literally that night. I have to be honest. It felt wonderful to again be running from reality-to a beach no less! But I also felt horribly guilty. John was very mad-and I will leave it at that.
We had such a fun time with all of Melissa's family down there. The entertainment and laughter factor was at an all time high. We are so blessed to know and love her family- crazy Eddie and all.

The drive both ways by myself was hard and stupid. I just don't have it in me like I used to. I was remembering all of my times when I was much younger just going to the cottage in Michigan or Chicago on a complete whim, or even Toledo in one day just to say hi and get a hug from Dave and Ann (my sudo parents growing up) I need to acknowledge my limits and be honest with myself.

Returning from HHI, we hit the ground running. Ellie and Sarah  were to be at Xavier all week. One for basketball camp one for soccer. Sunday night Sarah woke up with a high fever and horrible headache that sadly lasted through her 10th (!) birthday on Tuesday.  Poor Sarah, she is just a kind and thoughtful girl that just seems to get jipped often. But again, have to feel blessed that not only did Xavier refund our money but also for our friends that happily hauled Ellie back and forth from her camp.  During this week, John and I went to see Dr. M. My next felt better than the week before but still achy. I am cautiously happy to say that our visit was short and sweet! Dr. M really thinks things are moving along well. She can feel a difference in my next and thinks that the pain and aching is/was from me fighting something off (hello germs in our house) or that we are "making the bugger mad." I will take either. She didn't see the need to order scans early so we are staying on track to have scans here on the 18th of August and see her on the 20th. To be honest, while this is probably the best news we have had walking out of IU to date, we were both more humbled than dancing for joy. It's hard not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I must work on this. I must have complete Faith that this is Gods plan.

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*It has taken me three days to write the above post! Ridiculous I know.
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Ahem.... Soon after, Ellie took her turn being sick while I was on my once a year, very fun, extremely therapeutic, full of gut wrenching laughter girls weekend that actually hasn't happened for a few years.

I adore them all so much! Anne...you were fiercely missed.

Again, thank you so much for my prayers and for checking in on me during silence. I will try and post more as we all know I am never at a lack for words!

Cancerversary...

One year give or take a week. One year that at times has flown by at a frighteningly scary speed. One year that at times, could only be taken minute by minute. One year of incredible tears and laughter. One year that has changed my life more than a marriage proposal or any pregnancy test. All because of some stupid ass cells that just won't go away.

I look back at pictures of our impromptu Hilton Head trip and although I love so many of them, I now look at them and think " those people had no idea what was to come." All of it filled with friends, family, laughter, tears, anger and much prayer. Although incredibly overwhelming, the out pouring of love and prayers and gifts and cards and hugs are the things that get our whole family through this journey day by day, minute by minute. We are still so, so grateful and humbled.

I am in a bit of a funk. I don't think the clinical trial is working. I am having increased achy pain at the tumor site near my collarbone. It has only been a little over 2 weeks since I started, but am in a quandary on how long to give it. Since I am having minimal to no side effects, I selfishly don't want to raise the white flag and have to start on another chemo that I can almost guarantee will drop me to my knees with side effects. This balance of time vs cancer meds is frustrating and honestly maddening.

 While again, I refuse to stress out over something I have no control over, I am angry. Angry that my body just can't figure out how to work with the chemo and stop or even slow the cancer. Angry that every twinge I feel, I question what it is or could be. Angry that any answer to these questions will likely result in some sort of scan that will cost thousands. Angry that my body has consumed more drugs in the last year than my entire life and none of them have worked. I am angry that I find myself unable to plan for any time in the future. Talk of a vacation with a group of friends next summer pretty much brought me to tears the other day. Because I am not going to plan/ dream of something like that with my children only to have us all incredibly disappointed. All because of ME mind you. This is also why I am liking the " let's just go right now" theory that is pushing John over the edge. I have many plans for the future but am angry that they all end in well but...

I know this mind set will change. It has to. But I also feel like I have a right to feel it and express it.

Rant over.

Quick check in... ***now with pictures

John has been teasing me that I am becoming  a "professional vacationer"  The children and I spent last week in Michigan for my "Dads" memorial service. ( more on that later)

 

 We again had wonderful weather and fantastic company. The only problem is that it hasn't stopped! We hit the ground running from the moment we returned late Thursday evening and haven't stopped. I feel it all catching up to me but I have a date with Henry today at the Reds game and we are both very excited.

I have been taking my giant chemo pills for 9 days and am SO thankful my side effects have been minimal! I just hope and pray they are working. This was my daily devotion on my first day of the pills. Just amazing.

 

I go back to IU on the 23rd for a check up and blood work and then will have scans 4 weeks after that unless I am having issues before that.
I apologize for the lack of updates and feel like I have so many stories I want documented on here but they will have to wait for another day. My date needs me to find his shirt! :)