Cancerversary...

One year give or take a week. One year that at times has flown by at a frighteningly scary speed. One year that at times, could only be taken minute by minute. One year of incredible tears and laughter. One year that has changed my life more than a marriage proposal or any pregnancy test. All because of some stupid ass cells that just won't go away.

I look back at pictures of our impromptu Hilton Head trip and although I love so many of them, I now look at them and think " those people had no idea what was to come." All of it filled with friends, family, laughter, tears, anger and much prayer. Although incredibly overwhelming, the out pouring of love and prayers and gifts and cards and hugs are the things that get our whole family through this journey day by day, minute by minute. We are still so, so grateful and humbled.

I am in a bit of a funk. I don't think the clinical trial is working. I am having increased achy pain at the tumor site near my collarbone. It has only been a little over 2 weeks since I started, but am in a quandary on how long to give it. Since I am having minimal to no side effects, I selfishly don't want to raise the white flag and have to start on another chemo that I can almost guarantee will drop me to my knees with side effects. This balance of time vs cancer meds is frustrating and honestly maddening.

 While again, I refuse to stress out over something I have no control over, I am angry. Angry that my body just can't figure out how to work with the chemo and stop or even slow the cancer. Angry that every twinge I feel, I question what it is or could be. Angry that any answer to these questions will likely result in some sort of scan that will cost thousands. Angry that my body has consumed more drugs in the last year than my entire life and none of them have worked. I am angry that I find myself unable to plan for any time in the future. Talk of a vacation with a group of friends next summer pretty much brought me to tears the other day. Because I am not going to plan/ dream of something like that with my children only to have us all incredibly disappointed. All because of ME mind you. This is also why I am liking the " let's just go right now" theory that is pushing John over the edge. I have many plans for the future but am angry that they all end in well but...

I know this mind set will change. It has to. But I also feel like I have a right to feel it and express it.

Rant over.