letting loose...

Reality check... things are not good. I feel horrible- all.of.the.time. I feel nauseous. The neuropathy in my hands is horrible and then goes up to my wrists and elbows and now my shoulder blades- all just numb or achy. I have new meds for that. I saw the eye specialist last week and he thinks my blurry vision are drug deposits from the chemo. I  have drops for them. I have new pain meds and I've stopped two others. It is all just crazy. I am failing at everything. The house- HA it is a joke. My thoughts of even trying to put it on the market in the middle of June? HA again. The kids get out of school next Wednesday and again, I am not prepared. We keep talking about a vacation but really, I honestly don't know if I could even make it to where ever we would decide on- I feel that bad.
I had scans done yesterday and the yahoo that read them didn't do a very through job as he contradicted himself on almost ever page. The radiologists at IU are reading them and I should hear results tomorrow. I will not be surprised if it shows my lymph nodes in my neck are again growing since I can feel them more. This will also mean I will be off the clinical trial and onto something else.

I was in tears the last 2 times I have been to IU. I just feel week. I am not even close to the bouncing back that I use to be able to do with other chemos. It hurt when SS said she thinks unfortunately, this is my new normal...I hate it. I hate going to bed exhausted at 7. I hate that the children know how horrible I feel and they hate it too. I hate trying to do one task and then having to lay down. I hate that I have to ramp myself up to do anything or go anywhere and that I hit a wall 1/2 way through and am leaving early.

So there is my reality check. It will get better- but right now? It all just sucks.