Faith...

It has been a tiring week. Full of  tears, hugs, questions and prayers. I am sitting outside Panera waiting on Melissa whom John and I are so blessed to have as a friend. I was just at B North getting an injection for my bone scan and didn't know I have a 3 hour wait for the radioactive injection to"do its thing" so a call to Miss and Panera it is. It is an absolutely glorious day and sitting in the sun is wonderful.
I want to tell you about our (John,Melissa and myself) meeting with my surgeon but first want to get down my thoughts and feelings about this past week. I found out about my CT scan being positive for cancer last Thursday while driving. It was about 12:40 and I found out in a very round about way and a day early...the Surgeons office was notified by oncologist office to schedule biopsy and ultrasound. Clearly, they knew something I didn't. While driving, I ended up in front of Coffee Please ( one of my favorite haunts for my beloved coffee) but I could see people I knew inside and was a mess. Outside, I called John... We were both just dumbfounded. There was no use coming home as I wasn't there and said I was going to call Melissa... See a pattern here? :)  it stresses me out that John works so hard and we are going to have to again choose his time off wisely because of me. Any who, while talking/ sobbing to Melissa, I ended up driving to 1/2 price. Books because I was going right in there and buying all of their Kicking Cancers Ass with Food cookbooks dammit! Again, Melissa strongly suggested I carefully drive home. So I pulled out of that parking lot and drove to Starbucks because if I wasn't going to start eating completely organic and sugar and caffeine free rightthatminute! I better get myself a coffee! :) The person in front of me in line paid for my coffee. Love.
I made it home in one piece and called another close friend yet while sobbing to her, I looked at the clock and suddenly realized it was 10 minutes before the school mass was to begin and Henry was bringing up the gifts and I had promised him 2000 times I would be there. I was So mad! I was SO mad a my body! I was SO mad that I had JUST gone through all of this! I had just put all of my friends and family through all of this! I was shaking I was just so completely angry. I was angry at God. As I was walking into church, I literally said out loud " God, I am NOT walking in here for you. I am here for my sweet boy because of a promise I made to him!" I was a mess and tried unsuccessfully to hold it together. Thank goodness for friends/parents around me knowing that something was very wrong and praying for me. I love the school masses and the message that day was to listen for Jesus and not harden your heart. Wow... I was still angry but this was my first message... A very clear message that I am going to need this church, these friends and especially God to walk this scary path again.
As many of you know, I love blogs and my blog "peeps" many of my very good friends are people I have met through the blogging world (hollah GW ladies!) So when I was diagnosed in July, I became pretty active on some breast cancer discussion boards. One being for Christian women dealing/living with breast cancer. After posting for prayer requests, I also posted my new diagnosis and was very honest about my anger and sadness. Again, I was amazed at my comfort feeling so many praying not only for myself but for John and the children. Another wow moment was  one of the ladies that I really admire on the breast cancer board sent me an email. She wrote such encouraging words that have completely stuck with me.

" You are allowed to be angry but you also need to dig deep and feel your Faith. Anger is a very slippery slope to go down and one that is not easy to climb out of..."  

I can't tell you how many times I have gone back to read her email. I have lost count how many times I have repeated this to myself this past week.  One of the most powerful messages I think I have ever received.

Off to have my bone scan...