It has been a tiring week. Full of tears, hugs, questions and prayers. I am sitting outside Panera waiting on Melissa whom John and I are so blessed to have as a friend. I was just at B North getting an injection for my bone scan and didn't know I have a 3 hour wait for the radioactive injection to"do its thing" so a call to Miss and Panera it is. It is an absolutely glorious day and sitting in the sun is wonderful.
I want to tell you about our (John,Melissa and myself) meeting with my surgeon but first want to get down my thoughts and feelings about this past week. I found out about my CT scan being positive for cancer last Thursday while driving. It was about 12:40 and I found out in a very round about way and a day early...the Surgeons office was notified by oncologist office to schedule biopsy and ultrasound. Clearly, they knew something I didn't. While driving, I ended up in front of Coffee Please ( one of my favorite haunts for my beloved coffee) but I could see people I knew inside and was a mess. Outside, I called John... We were both just dumbfounded. There was no use coming home as I wasn't there and said I was going to call Melissa... See a pattern here? :) it stresses me out that John works so hard and we are going to have to again choose his time off wisely because of me. Any who, while talking/ sobbing to Melissa, I ended up driving to 1/2 price. Books because I was going right in there and buying all of their Kicking Cancers Ass with Food cookbooks dammit! Again, Melissa strongly suggested I carefully drive home. So I pulled out of that parking lot and drove to Starbucks because if I wasn't going to start eating completely organic and sugar and caffeine free rightthatminute! I better get myself a coffee! :) The person in front of me in line paid for my coffee. Love.
I made it home in one piece and called another close friend yet while sobbing to her, I looked at the clock and suddenly realized it was 10 minutes before the school mass was to begin and Henry was bringing up the gifts and I had promised him 2000 times I would be there. I was So mad! I was SO mad a my body! I was SO mad that I had JUST gone through all of this! I had just put all of my friends and family through all of this! I was shaking I was just so completely angry. I was angry at God. As I was walking into church, I literally said out loud " God, I am NOT walking in here for you. I am here for my sweet boy because of a promise I made to him!" I was a mess and tried unsuccessfully to hold it together. Thank goodness for friends/parents around me knowing that something was very wrong and praying for me. I love the school masses and the message that day was to listen for Jesus and not harden your heart. Wow... I was still angry but this was my first message... A very clear message that I am going to need this church, these friends and especially God to walk this scary path again.
As many of you know, I love blogs and my blog "peeps" many of my very good friends are people I have met through the blogging world (hollah GW ladies!) So when I was diagnosed in July, I became pretty active on some breast cancer discussion boards. One being for Christian women dealing/living with breast cancer. After posting for prayer requests, I also posted my new diagnosis and was very honest about my anger and sadness. Again, I was amazed at my comfort feeling so many praying not only for myself but for John and the children. Another wow moment was one of the ladies that I really admire on the breast cancer board sent me an email. She wrote such encouraging words that have completely stuck with me.
" You are allowed to be angry but you also need to dig deep and feel your Faith. Anger is a very slippery slope to go down and one that is not easy to climb out of..."
I can't tell you how many times I have gone back to read her email. I have lost count how many times I have repeated this to myself this past week. One of the most powerful messages I think I have ever received.
Off to have my bone scan...
smoooooooches
ReplyDeletelove you
ReplyDeleteGreat quote. May you continue to feel the love of your family and friends. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for a clear bone scan.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending prayers your way. You are so strong. We love you.
ReplyDeleteThe Dobelhoffs