Forgetting how to parent...

Sorry for the lack of updates! It's good to be busy, but the result is my bedtime is usually about 30 seconds after the kids are tucked in.  I feel like our family life has been going like this... When it's good, it's really really good. But when it's bad, it's horrible. This is going to be an honest post that I just want documented not only for other mothers going through the same thing with littles but also so I can come back in months? Years? And remember that we survived.
I feel like I have forgotten how to actually parent. On one hand, I do feel guilty that the kids lives and schedules have been disrupted and their knowledge of sickness and cancer have increased tenfold. On the other, constant discipline that is needed at  this time is absolutely and completely exhausting. And I feel like I am losing the battle so to speak. It's mainly little things that are adding up. Talking back, bickering, kids constantly "poking the bear" as we like to call it. The older girls have taken on the unnecessary role of  mini-parenting Henry. As you can imagine, it bothers him and me! It is not necessary for them to know what color he got at school or did he eat all of his lunch or what homework he has.
Henry... He just needs some major prayers. He is having a very rough go at life right now- much to his own stubbornness. He is just angry. Mostly at me. The disrespectfullness and back talk and rudeness and stubbornness is at an all time high. I am fully aware that behind the anger is fear. Cancer sucks for everyone living it- not just for the person that has cancer. I am exhausted with fighting with him. I am sad that it is constant. I am sad that I have "caused" the extent of some or most of his anger. He has always been very successful at pushing my buttons, but he has promoted himself to CEO. He is going to start seeing someone to talk to and I just hope he can find an outlet other than his mother and family! Basketball should be starting for him soon also...
With all of this going on, I HAVE to put aside the guilt and stay strong on the discipline front. Plain and simple- we can't go for ice cream for everyone after only 1/2 have behaved.  I need to be able to step outside of  the cancer and stick to my guns.  Ugh... Exhausting.

Chemo #5 is this Friday. I am really trying to be "Polly positive" really, I am. BUT man that last one did me in. I was just so sick and down for such a longer amount of time than with the others. Please pray this one goes better! I have thanksgiving and Black Friday to attend!

There have been blessings the last couple of weeks- I promise. Cards when I really needed them. Pretty fall trees and big,fun tailgate party.  Margo's 4th birthday! Watching my children help each other. Even though it has been rougher than normal with them, just getting a glimpse of them peacefully sleeping or having fun, makes my heart hurt with my love for them.