So why doesn't my glass feel 1/2 full?

Before I get into my "troubles" I want to count my blessings.
* I am so blessed for friends working together to keep my children on as normal and fun of a schedule as possible. Thank you Amy and Ann for picking up Margo from school Thursday and taking her to play with your girls. She has not stopped talking about how much fun she had.
* A big blessing is my SIL Sue- she meets the kids from school on Thursday chemo days, takes them home, completes homework, snacks etc and then gets them ready for John to pick up for their many practices!
* Thank you again for my sweet bestie Melissa for yet again picking up all of my children and keeping them for the weekend and for schlepping them to games, birthday parties etc. but mostly for all of your love for them. Your friendship is truly one of my biggest blessings.
* For all of the text messages starting bright and early Thursday morning cheering me on this journey knowing that it is so mentally draining to yet again receive chemo knowing how I am going to feel afterwards but also knowing it just has to be done!
* To Michele for knowing that this round I needed just a bit more super power than just my underpants...

I seriously can't believe the "power" it gave me all through chemo. :) Although as I said in the text I sent, it got me into trouble a few times when people said " I like your shirt!" And my first reply was " thanks! You should see my underpants!"
* again for my special friends that quickly and quietly leave dinners and pumpkin bread and world famous homemade granola...  Thank you
* for my biggest blessing- John who is my rock at all times even when I know he is tired and exhausted from working 14+ hours a day. Who will always tell me it's going to be ok. And makes sure I believe him.
* I am blessed for little things... For a neighbor that always texts me when she is out on errands to see if I need anything. For her girls that happily play after homework is finished with my kids. For another neighbor that I just see has pretty magnetic fall leaves and a wreath on her garage. She knows I sit out in my "office" (porch) a lot. I just saw them this morning just when the sun was coming up. The first smile of my day- truly a blessing having her as a neighbor for 12(!)years now.
* For new neighbors a couple houses down. Their friendship is a true blessing. The many, many beautifully sewn scarves, the happiness their therapy dog brings me with just a pet or the look of his gorgeous eyes. For the prayers they promise and that I feel.

So, chemo #3 down. It went very well. Things I am surprised about during chemo. Seeing many of the same patients every time. You kind of get to know them, nod your head and smile, say hello etc. For the "friendship" that is formed and the comfort of the nurses there. I am always so happy to have Jen be my CBC drawer. She makes me laugh and brings me comfort starting my chemo process. Another nurse that John and I both adore. She was my first nurse to draw blood from my port (perfectly and painlessly so I will never forget!)  and is the nurse I have mostly had for chemo. Her compassion and smile are such a blessing. John and I are amazed how she remembers specifics about us- our children, our church, she remembered that she slowed the drip of the Cytoxan last time to see if it helped with the horrible headache I had the first round! It did and she did it again. Thank you Anita you have made a huge impact for me on this journey.

Now, for the curve ball. That I really don't know why it has thrown me for such a loop besides mentally I have a picture in my head how this whole cancer/chemo thing is going to be played out and it ends with happily ever after. And really it isn't even a given so I don't know why I am even allowing it to get to me. Thursdays chemo went well. We saw Dr. W., blood work looked good, I am a little anemic but nothing to be concerned about. When I told him that my symptoms were not as bad as my first round but that I just felt constantly exhausted. He said that is very normal, will get worse, take a walk every day and rest when I can. Gotcha, I can do that. He said I was 1/2 way done for treatment and happily corrected my math that I will be finished with my 6th round BEFORE Christmas!! Not the first of the year like I thought! Yeah!
Then Friday, I go in for my Neulasta injection and run into Dr. W. in the hallway. Here comes the curveball... He says hi, I say hi and then he says " I've been thinking, I think we are only going to give you 4 treatments instead of 6 but we can talk about it next time" I reply " that makes me really nervous..." And he said " well protocol states that 4 is ok and that 6 would just be adding toxicity into your body" and again reiterated that we could talk about it next time. So let's remember, he's not saying I am ONLY getting 4 treatments but that it will be discussed next time.
While I totally would love to only have 4 treatments, I have had 6 in my head to give me the " happily ever after" What IF after 4 there is even ONE tiny cancer cell? I just can't take that risk. I HAVE to do everything! I have to go above and beyond what protocol states just to be assured I have done everything possible. That is why I chose the double mastectomy. That is why I am going to choose to do 6!
Please pray for me. For clarity that I am seeing the not only the big picture but the correct one.