A kick in the head...

Hello from first chemo treatment, round 1, day 3...

I want to update so I can remember this all as life has a way of making us forget both the good and the bad. Thursday, everything went very well with all infusions- I am grateful for Johns sister Ann for telling me how weird you feel when they give you the IV Benedryl. Everything went very smooth and I liked my nurse Kim, and saw pictures of a fox and hummingbirds which remind me that Ann Ward is undoubtedly helping me through this journey. After we got home, I puttered on the iPad, and snoozed. Friday, John was up and out the door before 5:30am so I was on my own getting the kids ready for school. Melissa kept Margo all day Thursday and overnight AND picked up the kids from school Friday and has kept them since! Please pray for her sanity as many of you know, she has four kids too! I don't know how she does it...
The kids did such a great job getting up and ready on time for Grandpa to pick them up and take them to school! I heard through the grapevine that grandpa only held up the drop off line a smidge getting out and taking pictures of the kids going into school. Love that man and his camera. I felt pretty well on Friday just slightly nauseous but kept up on my meds. I decided to go for a walk and Jill and her sweet nieces came with me. It was slow going but great to talk and walk with such a good friend. Got home and napped. I think all of my napping is really just catch up as before my first treatment, I had just plain worn myself out. I got up to go to get my Neulasta injection when John called to tell me he was on his way to take me. Firstly, this was unnecessary because I felt fine and could drive but I also knew what a ridiculously stressful day/ week he had had at work and didn't want to add to the stress. It just brings me to tears of his immense love for me and our family. He just just simply a great guy... Most of the time :)
We went for the injection and the treatment room was hopping. We were in and out in an hour. The nurse did the injection in my stomach which was unexpected but she said she liked to inject where there is "the most padding" instead of my arm... Ahem I have no idea why she chose my stomach (cough cough,4 large sized children cough cough) we came home, I read for a bit and John and I had decided to go see a movie by ourselves that night! Something we haven't done without children in forever! Like I can't even tell you the last movie we saw... And that's when I woke up at 8:20pm to him working on his computer. He hadn't wanted to wake me up and we had missed our movie. I made skyline for him and noodles with butter for me and we watched the Reds and couldn't decide on what movie to rent from Direct TV. He went to bed and I snoozed on the couch till 2am. I took the meds I needed at that time and read until 3:25am, took my Claritin to help with the icky Neulasta injection and slept until 9:45am!!! Now, this is both a blessing and a curse as clearly sleep is helping but over sleeping and not keeping up on my meds is B.A.D. I got up and felt really nauseous but my head, oh my head I can honestly say I have never had a headache like this. If I kept/ keep my eyes closed, it is getting better. John had to go into work and I had my slew of meds, toast with REAL butter and a coffee on the porch. Feeling a bit better 3 hours later. :)  I'm glad buckeye football has started!

So, there you have it! Thank you everyone praying for me and our family. As I have said before, to FEEL you prayers envelop us is just life changing. Please don't stop. God is good and our blessings are many thanks to all of you!

Smooches, Kate

Home again, home again jiggitty jig...

Good afternoon! This will be very quick, but I wanted to update. Chemo treatment, round 1 went very well! There were no problems accessing my port. I tolerated all of the meds well (so far) and am happy to be in my bed! Henry is at the end of my bed, very excited to be starting soccer tonight. I will keep you posted with more details after I get some zzzzzzz's! Thank you so much for all of your prayers! They are truely felt and help me immensely! Don't fret! I'm rockin' this chemo thing! Man, I hope I didn't jinx myself...

My Laundry Fairy...

One day, shortly after my diagnosis, a friend gave me a wrapped present. I of course gave her my evil eye and she just waved her hand and said " oh it's nothing- really" Little did I know, this friend is not only teaching me a HUGE life lesson that you really can't always do it all, but is allowing me to let go of one of my biggest stressors- laundry. And I am the envy to everyone I tell about my laundry fairy. I wish I had a picture of the original box but inside was a ton of gi-normous mesh laundry bags and this note. Oh the note! I cannot tell you the amount of times I have read this note and laughed and cried. I so can't believe I am actually letting her BE my laundry fairy! Also, when you read this, remember that she has three littles all under the age of 8!!! She is just selfless, always has a smile on her face and always makes me happy with just a chat, email or text. Just say a prayer of thanks for her will you? Especially on Thursdays! Thank you my sweet laundry fairy... There really aren't words. I will be forever grateful.

A different way of thinking...

Sarah (9) hates to take showers. Every other night-except after games and practices, gasp! Heaven forbid bathing DAILY!! There is a major exhausting struggle to get her to shower. Many tears later, she is fine and smells wonderful.The worst part is that now, I get it. Well, sort of.
I have yet to regret deciding to have the double mastectomy. I never really thought much about my body. Yes I didn't like it when I was very over weight or right after any of the kids deliveries. I didn't like my clothes not fitting or that I didn't feel healthy over eating or drinking. I like clothes but I have been pretty happy with plain jane. ( Doodles, you are thinking white T-shirt and jeans! ) This year, after my weight loss, I really started to assess my clothes combined with my age and figure etc. it was nice to wear clothes that were still plain jane but I tried to branch out a bit- patterned shorts! funky shirts! I was having fun. I am annoyed with myself how much these material things meant to me. Now, getting dressed is still fun but I am now working on not being worried about my body image. When I was losing the weight and dieting, it became very important to me that the girls knew WHY I was dieting- for health. I have never made a big deal about dressing or showering in front of them.

But the thought of showering and having to see and feel my surgery sites and stitches and the bump from my port has me almost in tears... It's all just weird. The expanders are rock hard under my skin that look bizarre. Between parts that remind me of chicken skin and the other half that is bruised and has stitches, showering is now my least favorite thing to do. Luckily for all of you and the public, I still DO shower... Every other day. I hated it when Sarah asked the other day why I had my bedroom door closed and I said " because I was getting dressed" and she replied " well, you've never closed the door before..."
I know it will all get better. Trust me, I've seen the boob book at Dr. Ks office! :) I realize i am at the worst part of the reconstruction phase. I just don't want my self consciousness to rub off on the girls.

Grateful

Ah what a day. Just long and full of running. Hair cut for Ellie, ran by Johns parents to have Mom hem Sarah's uniform skirt for THEFIRSTDAYOFSCHOOLTOMORROW!!!! Ran over to school to drop off everyone's supplies to their classrooms. Ran to our favorite Chinese food lunch place to check off yet another summer bucket list wish. Ran Sarah to basketball practice then out to the Riehles for our last soak up the end of summer  before school starts swim. Ran Ellie to basketball practice, home, Krogers, dinner of Taco Bell and Wendy's  and then to Justice for some white tank tops for Sarah to wear under her uniform blouse because THEYARETOTALLYSEETHROUGHWAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
I am paying for it with a very sore chest, port site, head and back.
I was thinking today and telling the girls many times to "be grateful" so I am just going to write a short list of some things I myself am grateful for today and call it a night.
Not in order of importance and some of the firsts that come to mind as there are many...

*************** I am grateful for.....*******************

Henry losing his second top tooth and his gummy smile

Margo watching Miss Holli remove the older girls hair wraps and thinking she was the cats meow since hers may stay in.

Talking with an old friend and hearing about her stresses of moving houses and packing with young children and how "normal" our conversation was. Nothing cancer related, just easygoing and funny. JC, our 10 minutes made my day! I'm praying for you! :)

For that wonderful feeling I get walking into the children's school and hugs from some great people. I am still amazed by the feeling of love and God that just radiates from that building. I hope the feeling never gets old.

For Sarah waking up this morning and asking me to snuggle with her on the couch. No TV, no iPod, just two girls on the couch(one with coffee) with our fuzzy blankets chatting.

For sitting in the sun under the Riehles tiki umbrella watching the kids swim and chatting with Melissa. Made me feel a million times better.

For my SIL Judy who shows up here almost daily with a smile on her face. She has spent days organizing the children's bins of mismatched toys and I can guarantee she has nightmares about millions of plastic dinosaurs and race cars and squinkies and barbies and mini football helmets etc.

For Ellie going with me to Krogers tonight and insisting on pushing the cart and loading the van- by then I really was on my last leg!

For my sister Anne- for keeping in touch

For Johns new routine of coming over to my side of the bed when he is leaving for work in the morning to give me a kiss and see if I need anything before he goes.

Back in the saddle...

Well, you can say I'm back in the saddle of stress, anxiety, tears and such. We- John and my trusty sidekick with excellent penmanship Melissa went to my first Oncology appt. with Dr. Ward yesterday. Yes, his name really is Dr. Ward and if you know much about my young adulthood until present, you know for good reason, I pretty much adore anyone with the last name Ward. :) And yes, I will admit that I took his name as a sign (a good one) and also made him my first choice of Oncologists to meet with.
This Ward needs to grow on me a bit.
We had a 2:00 appointment and although we waited for him for a while, we didn't leave the building until 5:17pm. Can you say brain overload? He is very nice and easy going. He is HUGE on Clinical Trials... which if you have known me during my career life, you will also know that CTs and I have had our fun and I don't ever want to be involved in that "world" again. Or so I thought... I am for sure in one and possibly two. More on them in  another post and J and E... stop laughing hysterically.

The facts:
I am 99% sure my first chemo treatment will be August 29
This is a Thursday and I am having anxiety trying to see into the future and figure out how I will be handling the chemo and do I want my "bad" days to be on the weekends when the kids will be home or start on a Monday and have my "bad" days be more when at least 3 of the kids will be in school the majority of my day. Don't laugh, this is a HUGE stressor for me and all of the pros and cons are just telling me to just forget everything and run for the hills. Which we know I won't do.
No time is a good time to have chemo...
I will be given Taxotere and Cytoxan along with a slew of other meds to counter act the side effects of the chemos.
I will have 6 treatments every three weeks


I feel like I again am having an out of body experience...again. Yesterday, we were sitting in the room with Dr. W- John to my left and Melissa to my right and I just kept looking around thinking " Is he freaking talking to ME?!?!" " I can't stinking believe we are talking about ME?!!"

I also feel like since the second he said to start chemo on the 29th, an immediate ticking clock started in my head and just won't stop. Just like when I got my surgery date of August 1st.
Again, I know (at least I am pretty sure) I can do this. I am praying for my Faith, Wisdom and Grace even more now because I really feel like I will be needing everything I can get. Every good thought. Every prayer coming my way. Every ounce of belief I have to make sure I can get through the 6 treatments with the most grace possible to show the children that with the above all combined, wonderful blessings and good things come out of even the hardest of times.

I have many posts that I am working on so be prepared :) but honestly, I am so tired right now I just need to close these old eyes.

Lessons learned...

We have had some long days that finally caught up with me last night. Thankfully the kids have been so occupied by some ridiculously fun play dates, they are exhausted but are finishing the end of summer vacation with a bang. Thanks SO much to our friends that are making sure their bucket lists are beyond being filled. We also have had so many delicious dinners brought to us that some larger pants might be needed! I am not just talking about myself cough cough  I just keep thinking how unbelievable the power of prayer and the love of friends and family is. Again, John and I keep saying how we can't understand how people faced with a crisis get through even one day without prayer and the love and trust of God. Again, the blanket of love and prayers that I am constantly feeling is just beyond words. Thank you with all of my heart.
Yesterday was a long one. As I said before, Sarah and Ellie have been showing signs of "cancer related stress" (my words) and we went and saw Miss Rachel through the Cancer Family Care Center. I really think she is yet another hidden blessing. Both girls went in (one 11 year old NOT happy about it) and not only did the girls leave with better mind sets but I left knowing we had made the right choice to start counseling now instead of waiting and that both girls were feeling completely appropriate things and acting accordingly. I also think the 4 week program they and Henry are signed up for sounds fantastic. Both girls expressed they are nervous about starting school and worrying about me while they are there, so we are working on that.
After the counseling appointment, we went to the pediatricians because Ellie jammed her finger the night before in a basketball game. Now, I will be honest, yes, it looked painful, yes, I am sure it hurt... But, at this point of everything going on, how in the heck could I say "oh suck it up and let's wait a couple of days and see how it is" AND since our usual ped. was on vacation and we could get into my second favorite Dr. A, I thought FOR SURE she would say "oh yes you sweet precious girly basketball player... Suck it up youjammedyourfinger!" But no much to my surprise, shenthoughtntheremreallymmight be a chance of itmbeing fractured and we got a referral to have Ellie's hand X-rayed. I just walked out of there shaking my head. From there, my sweet sister-in-law whom has not stopped playing,cleaning,organizing,vacuuming, entertaining, bathing, feeding myself and my children for weeks now drove us for the fastest inhalaling of skyline ever and then home so I could meet John so we could go to my first check with the plastic surgeon since surgery.
All went well with Dr. K. I got my drains out (woohoo!) and the clearance to shower and shave (think Sasquatch - not kidding and I even kind of cheated once) I do have to keep my straight jacket Velcro bra on and kept snug but I'll take it! I still can't drive until I feel able to completely move my arms and react accordingly which I am praying for next Wednesday, the kids first day of school. I know I will survive if someone else has to drive us but I will guarantee I will be in that car with them. John is just happy for someone else to be driving them as they have a much better chance of being on time...ahem... I still blame Henry for last years tardiness.
Anyway, after Dr. Ks, John and I ran to Target for my prescription refills and before he was taking E to have her hand X-rayed. THAT is where I hit the wall. I felt so beyond horrible you just would not believe. I started sweating and was freezing and my teeth were chattering and I thought I was going to get sick. It was horrible. John got me home (I am skipping the part here where the sweetest lady that knows my SIL Sue and goes to St. Gerts was just at our door when we got home and I thought I might pass out- I promise to tell it later) and I got into bed and slept and slept and slept some more. Just way too much too soon. Lesson learned!
Tomorrow morning is a dermatology appointment that I was going to cancel even though it took me 3 months for this appt. and the Dr. comes highly reccommended but they talked me into going saying that I guess chemo and radiation really screws with your skin and to get a base line before hand would be really smart... Blahblahblah.

Again everyone praying and sending cards and texts and emails and the most beautiful cross stitch that is the first thing I see in the morning and the last to see at night, and chemo bags and just...everything. You are making me realize that I was not a very good friend to those in need and I can't wait to be able to pay all of it forward. Yet another life lesson I am learning.



Smooches

Nap

Nothing is better than a nap with my favorite boy.

The power of prayer

I will be honest, the last couple of days have been rough. I am sleeping in small doses and it is catching up with me. I love having the children here but it also comes with a price of always being "there" and having my brave face on. Both worth having them home. Again, the friends that have taken them all for days and nights without hesitation... There just aren't enough hugs or thank yous. What you have given our family is precious. After some long, serious talks with E,S and H, I have spoken with someone from Cancer family services about individual counseling and a neat sounding 4 week program for the kids beginning in September. The girls are acting like they would rather have a root canal but have been given no choice on the matter of attending. We can always back down but their silent  fear and tears are pushing me over the edge with worry about their health and well being. Again, Henry's questions are so well thought out, it is scary. They are amazing. So, I have been sad about all of that. I feel like I am healing well and have the pain under control most of the time but have moved onto my big book of questions regarding next steps and chemo etc. we meet with the oncologist next Friday at 2pm. Basketball has started for the girls and soccer will start for the girls and Henry soon. While I am breathing into a paper bag trying to write everyone schedules, including mine, I can't wait to be able to go sit in my chair on a nice fall day and watch them play. One of my favorite things to do. Who would have thought?:) In light of these stresses, and some quiet tears in my room with worry about the kids going through this path with me, I need to count some blessings... All just immeasurable. A simple card coming everyday from our neighbor. A quick, short text from a friend that I know is extremely busy with work and her 3 littles came at such a perfect moment that dried my tears and had me saying a huge prayer of thanks for all moms and friends that just "get the pain" when your children are faced with even the slightest bump in the road. Knowing there will be more yet still ready to take on the fight for whatever "it" may be in place of their children.
Barb F. As I told you in a quick Facebook message today. You are simply an angel. With all of the emotional stuff the girls have been trying to deal with, your loving words and wisdom in the cards you sent could not have been more perfect. Nor the timing of their arrival. Sarah's looks like it might be 10 years old, she has had it clutched in her hands and has read it and cried( good tears!) many,many times. I again am forever grateful.
If I learn anything from this journey, it should be... if I am thinking of someone, take the time to let them know it. It will only take a minute and could matter most at that time.

You take the good, you take the bad...

My husband has been reminding me that this blog needs to be updated. I told him to have at it. Sorry days have passed... How is it? The weather has been so unbelievably gorgeous the past few days, I have spent most of my time on our porch. It is amazing what a nice breeze, sunny day and chirping birds can do to make a happy day. The kids finally all came home last night. I know I wanted them back but I also know my first days of recuperation were imperative. Even the crying and bickering made me feel good. My heart felt complete. Just bursting with love just to have them all under one roof. Thank you Ann, Sue and Melissa ( and all of your multiple helpers!) I will forever be thankful for you taking over my role of Momma for them when I couldn't- thank you Amy and Melissa for not giving into Margo's ridiculous attempt to rock the wagon by herself. I'm sure it was a long loud 40 minutes but I wouldn't have backed down either, :)
I talked to a doctor specializing in children with parents with cancer today. It was enlightening and depressing at the same time. Ellie is wanting nothing to do on the subject and we had a talk the other day that just by not talking about something, doesn't make it go away. Sarah is my sweet shadow that I have learned has just burst into tears and sobbed with a good friend of mine. She just tucks everything away and I want her seeing someone before "it" just gets too big for her mind to handle. And Henry I am embarrassed to say twice now I have underestimated his intelligence. His hour long question and answer session last night had me in awe. The wheels are turning and I want to be a little more prepared for the next round. Margo just cries and bosses us all around so not much has changed for her. :) Thank you Kathy H. For giving the information to me before I even realized I would need it!
I am staying up on pain meds but my special ball o' medicine that delivered medi to the sites via a small catheter ran out. Lets just say BIG Bummer. I didn't have a good day and need to try and shut my brain down and sleep.

Thank you again for the presents and cards and food. From the phone calls to the texts that all seem to come at the perfect time. Thank you. For the hand written notes and prayers from women who are 20+ year survivors confirming it can be done. Thank you to the mom that has knitted an afghan for us all to snuggle under all of her beautiful  stitches completed with prayers. Your out pouring of love has become a lesson to me.
I have just fallen asleep 5 times writing this... That's my que... Night night.

Baby steps

Hello from the land of drains, pain meds and walking like I am 100! Again there is so much I want to remember about the last couple of days. John and I are completely in awe at the tidal waves of love and prayers. As I have been telling the few people I have talked to, it is so hard to explain, but to feel the love and prayer envelop us the entire day of surgery is one I never want to forget. Not one time did I worry that something would go wrong. Not one time did I second guess my decision. I was more nervous on my wedding day last Thursday. I never felt scared or afraid. All because of your prayers for me. Thank you just doesn't seem enough but right now it's all I have. Prayer really does lift you up!
While both doctors have been great, Dr.H is just so extraordinary that I want to mention her so I do remember the little things. For being a breast surgeon, you can also tell she is a mother. Her advice on explaining my surgery and very strict recovery was great. One of my favorite lines was. " you are no longer Margo's mode of transportation." While we are all very aware I am Margo's best friend, many of you know that this is going to come as a shock to her...ahem... When I went into the surgery room, Dr. H was with me holding my hand and getting me situated on the table. The last thing I  remember is her holding my hand and making the sign of the cross on my forehead and saying "I am here with you, I promise to do my best and God is with you too." Then it was Cracker Jack, lights out.
The first night was a little rough. I was sick from the anesthesia and pretty much drugged to the gills. John stayed with me and again is my comfort and rock and most definitely my comedian. It brings tears to my eyes right now my love for him and for how hard he works to keep our crazy little family afloat in so many ways. I still can't believe they sent me home the next day but have to admit that being in my newly painted and decorated bedroom is wonderful. My sister Libby has been BEYOND fantastic. She has been here multiple times a day to empty my drains, answer questions, adjust my gauze and as I like to call it my straight jacket. I really do believe God has paths in our lives planned out for us. Her making this move to cincinnati last year was one of them. Again no words how happy I am to have her, Terry and Gretchen all living here. They all hug and kiss way too much, but I am getting better with this. (Lib's, you are laughing right now- I know it)
So let's get down to the nitty gritty. Friday night, dr. H called with my pathology report.
Right breast was clean
Two tumors were found in the left. One 2.5 cm, one 6mm
Both were highly aggressive grade III
DCIS was found surrounding both tumors- clearly how they started.
Clean margins we obtained all the way around- 8-12mm
* here is for the slight snafu as we are calling it...
While sentinal nodes we clear, " extensive lymphatic vascular tissue" was found within the left breast. So basically while the sentinal nodes are clear, other lymph were not.
Does this suck? Sure but again, I am on a path that I need / want to follow with the best possible outlook and attitude. (Who would have thought! ) Dr. H said that this just means the my oncologist will treat me very aggressively from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Which I will be using as reason to John that regular pedicures will be needed!:)
I can't tell you how much I am loving everyone's cards and gifts and emails and messages and Facebook posts! Please don't stop praying, as this is just the first hurdle of many and to be honest, I need you all.
Now for some highlights... Me falling asleep mid banana breakfast just after my Valium was given. Thank you John for not taking a picture even though you have assured me many times how much restraint it took for you not to. Dr. V coming in to see us and bringing flowers. When telling him thanks, he joked that he had just delivered a baby girl and grabbed it from the room on his way out and switched the welcome baby girl card. Still adore him way too much. My beautiful vase of flowers that came to the house yesterday from "my Target Family" thank you K and S (?) the are lovely and unnecessary but have provided John with proof that I am at Target waaaaay too much and Bill amd Melissa a ridiculous amount of ammunition for years to come. John has already told me that I shouldn't be sad, my Kohls flowers should be here soon and Melissa had sent a text asking if my Chipotle and Starbucks flowers have arrived. Comedians I tell you.
I miss the kids so much it hurts. But I also know I need to take advantage of the peace and quiet now. Ellie has been able to sneak over and give hugs. When she walked in on Friday, she just burst into tears. Just more proof that their fear is masked too. Just breaks my heart. Sarah got some hugs in yesterday and seems to actually be doing the best. She is very interested in the medical/ surgery part where Ellie wants nothing to do with it. I called over to talk with Henry and Margo yesterday and while Margo was at the store with uncle mark,I got to tal to a very tearful Henry. He wants to see me and come home and am I alright and he reeaalllllyyyy wants to come home! Ugh- while I know he is having a ridiculous amount of fun and lord knoews, I hope he is behaving, it just made me sob. Again, I know right now, these few days are imperitive for me to rest and heal, I again just miss them.

Great News!!!

Ok a quick update: Dr. Hernandez removed 3 lymph nodes and the biopsy came back clean. This is awesome news! They removed the tumor and we will get the results on that tomorrow or Saturday. If that comes back that the tumor was under 2cm, then the cancer would have been stage 1. This is the best we could have hoped for. I believe everyone's prayers played a large part in this outcome. We still won't know everything till we hear the results in the next couple of days so keep the prayers coming.
I can't thank my sister Ann, Mom, Dad and Kate's sister Libby for waiting with me today. They really helped me take my mind off of things. Also Melissa for watching our kids. I really hope Henry has not ducted tape her to a chair.
We have made it to Kate's room. She is in a lot of pain & discomfort, but was filled with joy when I told her the lymph nodes were clean. I am sure I will need to tell her again later as she is in and out. She is absolutley amazing! I am so proud of her and amazed at how strong she is. I better make sure she has her batgirl underware when she wakes up or someone will be in trouble. We both know we have a long hard road till this is over, but we have taken a gigantic step forward today.
Again thanks for everyone's prayers, please keep them coming. I will try to give another update tonight.
I am out!
JW

Blog Takeover

Hello all!
Not exactly sure what I am doing here, (this is John) but Kate has asked me to update everyone today.
I have never written a blog or even commented on a blog, heck this is the only one I have ever read. So bear with me and I will let it roll.

We arrived at the hospital today only about 10 minutes late around 6am. This is Kate time. Kate has been in many different rooms and seen many different people.  I would love to tell you all what was said and what is going on but it is pretty overwhelming. I am 41 years old and still not sure what I want to be when I grow up, but I can tell you that I think just maybe, being a doctor is out. There is a whole lot of stuff going on back there.

I finally left  Kate around 9:35. That was when she was going back for her surgery. All I can say was she is amazing. She was not nervous at all. She has complete faith in God and the surgeons he has placed to operate on her. I cannot believe how calm she was, except for the part when they told her she needed to take off her Batgirl underwear her breast friend gave her last night. She was not happy about that at all. She asked to draw the logo on the new underwear but they did not allow it.

I will update you as the day goes along. I have a lot to say and I know Kate will kill me if I do not inform everyone.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and prayers they are greatly appreciated.
JW