Sarah (9) hates to take showers. Every other night-except after games and practices, gasp! Heaven forbid bathing DAILY!! There is a major exhausting struggle to get her to shower. Many tears later, she is fine and smells wonderful.The worst part is that now, I get it. Well, sort of.
I have yet to regret deciding to have the double mastectomy. I never really thought much about my body. Yes I didn't like it when I was very over weight or right after any of the kids deliveries. I didn't like my clothes not fitting or that I didn't feel healthy over eating or drinking. I like clothes but I have been pretty happy with plain jane. ( Doodles, you are thinking white T-shirt and jeans! ) This year, after my weight loss, I really started to assess my clothes combined with my age and figure etc. it was nice to wear clothes that were still plain jane but I tried to branch out a bit- patterned shorts! funky shirts! I was having fun. I am annoyed with myself how much these material things meant to me. Now, getting dressed is still fun but I am now working on not being worried about my body image. When I was losing the weight and dieting, it became very important to me that the girls knew WHY I was dieting- for health. I have never made a big deal about dressing or showering in front of them.
But the thought of showering and having to see and feel my surgery sites and stitches and the bump from my port has me almost in tears... It's all just weird. The expanders are rock hard under my skin that look bizarre. Between parts that remind me of chicken skin and the other half that is bruised and has stitches, showering is now my least favorite thing to do. Luckily for all of you and the public, I still DO shower... Every other day. I hated it when Sarah asked the other day why I had my bedroom door closed and I said " because I was getting dressed" and she replied " well, you've never closed the door before..."
I know it will all get better. Trust me, I've seen the boob book at Dr. Ks office! :) I realize i am at the worst part of the reconstruction phase. I just don't want my self consciousness to rub off on the girls.
As Mother's we want to protect our children, hide our fears, dry the tears, and feel an obligation to make everything perfect in a world far from it.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine what this is like for you Kate. Body image is such a critical thing for our well being and I know this in a different aspect but can somewhat relate to its effect on our children.
Praying for peace and healing and the grace you deserve
Hugs- Tracie C
Kate, just caught up on your last four blogs. Four kids, school starting, chemo pending, Ellie's hand emergency ... I'm exhausted just reading this! I don't know how you do it all. By the way, speaking of being grateful, I'm grateful you're writing this blog.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cathy Koesters