Selfish...

It has been a week of... I can't quite put my finger on it. I am feeling very self centered and I am mad about it. I have been praying for this self centered focus to turn around. My friend Guiseppa passed away and her funeral was on Thursday. I was a mess. I feel so guilty that every part of it from the music to the readings I just kept putting myself "there" instead of her. I was just so painfully sad for her family and friends and knowing G, she would have been annoyed with me and said " ok, enough put a smile on your face, say a prayer and buck up."
I am letting little things get to me. Things people say, things I read, rude people driving (whymustyougosofast?) inconsiderate people that can't hold a door for you or say thank you when you (or my children) do. It all adds up to crabby and we all know time spent like that just is a big waste. I am praying for a new week of gratitude!

I want to focus on some really good blessings from this week also. They are abundant and not hard to find.

* Yet again for Melissa who only knew Guiseppa through me yet left a school commitment and slid right into the pew next to me at her funeral. No words needed, just such an amazing selfless friend that just knows...So many times I feel like I just suck energy from her and she keeps letting me! I did buy her lunch this week though - well I used a gift card 😄

* For friends that thought of John and myself  and invited us to the Reds game. Although they lost 5-0 sigh... It was a beautiful night to sit with them minus kids, have a beer and laugh - and a great view of Chris Heiseys...moving on...

* For my sister-in-law to come to our crazy house to watch the children, finish homework and put them to bed so we could go to the Reds Game.

* For my friend Ann taking Margo this week knowing it has been a rough one.

* For Henry's teacher, oh my goodness we are yet again so blessed for certain people in our lives and again I am so grateful especially for Henry and Sarahs teachers last year, I am again feeling that God has placed Henry with such a special teacher this year also. While crying all the way to Gs funeral, I was trying to pull myself together in the church parking lot and was reading emails as a diversion. It was there I first read such a fantastic response email from Sister MN. She is just a beautiful person inside and out. Let's just say if her email had been written "old school " with pen and paper, it would look tattered, crumpled and tear stained I have read it so many times.

* For doctors and nurses working together for me. I had a 4 month check up with my beloved Dr. H. Her kindness and loving spirit is just incredible. For her nurse M who comes in just to check on me and chat- I am sorry I gave you a hug in just my bra but I was so excited to see you. Also for Dr. M- man the feeling that she "has my back and best interest" is very comforting.

* For ridiculously generous friends getting together and putting money into a new Katebeatingcancer account that has been set up in preparation for some kind of benefit happening who knows when. I just don't have words...

* For friends checking in on me and not giving up when I don't or just can't call or text back right now-thank you

Off to our 5 soccer and basketball games today. Also grateful for gorgeous weather!

This crazy life I don't want to change...

Well, there are some things I would change. Like adding a good 4 hours to my day and more patience, and less stress, and less homework. Just like everyone right? To say we have started school and are off to the races is such an understatement! But besides the fact that I am getting dinner on the table an hour later than I want and getting kids (and myself) in bed an hour + later than I want, I am trying to stop myself from complaining. Our life is crazy right now and as exhausting as it is, I really don't want it to change that much. I am really trying to soak it in. The past couple of weeks, one of my first cancer friends so to speak has really taken a turn for the worst and has entered into hospice because honestly and unfortunately, her options have run out. I met her through the Cancer Family Care Center and she has helped me throughout this year with many things including introducing me to other "cancer friends."  She has an incredible husband and a 6 year old son whom I know she would do anything for... She also has a wonderful Faith and trust in God and has been a really nice example to me and many. I have spent so much time while driving and doing laundry and homework etc. praying for her and her family this week. Selfishly, it is also hitting very close to home. That will be me some day. Hopefully a long, long time from now but still... Let's just say, my emotions have been raw. While there is always something needing to be done around here, this week I purposefully tried to stop and think when Margo wanted me to read her some books, I did. When Henry wanted to explain his very elaborate Lego house or excitedly talk about the baby chicks hatching at school, I listened. Not all of the time unfortunately but it is something that I feel like I must focus on right now.

Fall is in the air and I love it. While I love Summer and the heat and sun, Fall is my favorite season. Windows open, sweatshirt and shorts, a million and one acorns dropping from our giant oak tree hitting the tin roof of our porch sounding like gunshots, kids crying in the morning that they are freezing- haha. I so need to get out our decorations in between many, many soccer and basketball games and practices.

John has been working non stop. As a friend put it so well yesterday, his schedule has just been a "perfect storm" of insanity. He has left for work at 4 in the morning for over a week, come home exhausted, left again to coach soccer or basketball and then has come home to do more work. * John has literally just walked in from church to tell me that this week will be no different. Ugh... He works selflessly so hard for this family and truly does not get enough recognition or praise from me or his work. Another thing to work on.

Please pray for us this week. Also for my friend Guiseppa and her family.

Leap of Faith...

Good news from Wednesday! Scans showed tumors are stable. We are all very pleased and the plan is to stay on track with the clinical trial. I will have more scans in 8weeks(!) and also won't see Dr. M for 8 weeks (!!) John and I were waiting in the exam room for a longer period of time than we have had to wait before and both of us were letting our thoughts go to very negative places. It is hard not to. After Dr. M came in and told us the good news and that she is very happy with the scans, I felt so guilty. How could I have doubted God and his plan?! Why did I doubt Gods plan for me!? Yes, it is SO easy to do. It is SO easy and tempting to go down "that" path. Even with negative news that I know will eventually come, I have to trust Him. I have to have Faith and realize that I have never had total control over my lifes path. It's funny how when faced with something serious like cancer, you start looking at your life and working on things like Faith and trust when in reality, God has been guiding you since you were born. Yes, incorrect decisions have been made, yes paths have been taken that you look back on and either laugh, cry or just plain shake your head (um hello driving my 79 Volkswagen Dasher named Bob in corn fields outside Toledo in the middle of the night-you accomplices know who you are :) DM,RB,PPF,ES,MM,AA,BD ahem LOVE them all.)For now, I am grateful. Grateful that things are going our way so to speak. But it has also been a slight wake up call that I still need to believe that GOD has my back and that of my family. This is their path too. It is so humbling yet easier to accept and understand that my friends and family have my back. That your prayers are ongoing and clearly being heard. I need to focus more on trusting God at all times-good results or not. 

 

In doing so, I also need to realize that this leap of Faith isn't just accomplished alone. Like climbing a cliff and jumping off - yes those are our kids in Canada and yes, we allowed them to do this,YES I only could watch and take pictures once and it gave me instant diarrhea. But in looking at these pictures I also see everyone working together, helping each other climb toward their goal of leaping into the water. I see happiness in their accomplishment too. Just like I need to do with Gods plan for me. And I like climbing that cliff, I can't do it without all of you and am SO grateful you are helping me climb this cliff called life.

The children started back to school Wednesday. I can't believe I have a 7th, 5th, and 2nd grader (and a pre-schooler still sleeping) I am so excited for them. I am so happy for them to return to the loving halls of St. Gertrude's. We have all missed seeing friends and teachers. 

 

* Something is wrong with Blogger and is driving me crazy but I need to just post this as is and get to chores! Also, it won't let me go up and edit that we have one more part of my scans being read and will have results next week but are hoping and praying that those results will keep us moving forward as planned.

Another welcomed escape...

Hello! We are in the van on our last leg of our Canadian journey and I am risking the data overage to update.  I have missed writing and need to try and focus on getting organized and making it a priority.  
We have completed our "vacationpalooza" as John likes to call it on an island off Sioux Narrows, Ontario in Canada. We were invited by our best friends parents whom we love dearly. After spending a week with our 4 and their 4 grandchildren AND Bill,Melissa , John and myself , they may never be the same. The island is solar and generator powered. No TV. No Wifi. One outhouse (double seater as you can see by these crazy fools)

  and a composting toilet inside the cabin that is genius in my opinion.#butIneverhadtocleanitout Lots of card and game playing. Some arguing and squabbling but LOTS of laughter(see above...ahem). It was an amazing experience that I am honestly still trying to absorb.
At one point a week ago Friday, when as expected, I am frantically trying to get packed and ready for this trip, I truly contemplated the reality show Naked and Afraid might be onto something. Unpredictable weather, as far North than we have ever been, a laundry facility that consisted of some soap, a rock and a lake made packing for 6 a bit stressful. We were fine on clothing and are coming back with bags of dirty laundry and in need of some serious behind the ears scrubbing but happy. In packing, I forgot my camera charger but thought my backup battery would hold me for the week. I made it one day with my regular battery and my backup was dead. Very upsetting to say the least as you all know how I LOVE my camera. I made do with our phone cameras and Mr. R used his and I know that he has many fantastic pictures for me.
The kids spent their days starting with Mr. R making pancakes, bacon or sausage, putting on life jackets (a rule anytime you left the deck of the cabin for Margo, Henry and Ben, or for everyone out exploring in the evenings) and out on the island exploring. Swimming, fishing off the docks, catching more fish, frogs and crayfish than I could ever count, playing some extremely heated games of BS, hearts and crazy 8s. Everyday also consisted of  Mr. R and or Bill taking a boat(s) out with a group of kids (and John) fishing for Pike, Walleye or Muskie. We ended up with a couple of  fresh from the boat fish dinners and some very proud kids.
 I am so thankful not only to have this experience as a family, but to again have one with our best friends. To see a part of  the country that God made so breathtakingly beautiful has been such an incredible blessing.

To say we hit the ground running this week is an understatement. We are actually racing home now to try and make Ellie's championship basketball game at St. Gerts. Tomorrow I have my first official scan since the start of the clinical trial and go see Dr. M in Indy Wednesday for blood work and results. I feel tired but good and really can't complain about any side effects I am having as they are a million times more tolerable than any other chemo. I have been on. Unfortunately, this also comes with a huge amount of second guessing of the what ifs. Cancer surely keeps your mind constantly playing the what next game.
The girls have already started basketball and now we shall add soccer for 4- even Margo although she says she will play but will NOT kick the ball. School begins this Wednesday! I just can't believe it. Oh the many things needing to be completed between now and then. Please pass the paper bag for me to breathe into! John rightfully is not looking forward to returning to work and is also coaching Sarah's soccer and assisting with her basketball. Yes, I know it is crazy but again I refuse to not give our children the "out" they need and use to let out their worries and frustrations. Those fields and courts are essential for them.
Well, since starting this post, we have- made 2 emergency tinkle stops for Henry, (one with many tears, yelling and frustration all around) traveled many miles (some in rain, now in sun) with me only slamming on my invisible brake a handful of times and have inhaled Arby's with a 3 Tums chaser.
We are so thankful God has provided us with safe travels this far and have about 3 more hours before we see home sweet home. If only John would quit chomping and cracking his gum... :)

Life is good.

Smooches, Kate

Pretty view eh?

We are still enjoying Canada.  Back to blogging next week. Scans on Monday, results in Indy Wednesday.  Prayers appreciated!

Learning to have Faith...

Hello! Hello! I owe everyone big apologies! My silence hasn't necessarily been purposeful but the few minutes I have had to write, I just am finding it hard to find the right words.
Let's go waaaaaay back to my last post. Sigh... I guess it is just what I am going to feel the rest of my life. Because the reality is, eventually, one treatment will stop working and I will begin another. So I just need to be realistic that this is going to happen. I just really don't like that little black cloud that I always seem to be running from.
So after my last post, I....um....wenttohiltonheadwithmelissaandourchildren...
Literally that night. I have to be honest. It felt wonderful to again be running from reality-to a beach no less! But I also felt horribly guilty. John was very mad-and I will leave it at that.
We had such a fun time with all of Melissa's family down there. The entertainment and laughter factor was at an all time high. We are so blessed to know and love her family- crazy Eddie and all.

The drive both ways by myself was hard and stupid. I just don't have it in me like I used to. I was remembering all of my times when I was much younger just going to the cottage in Michigan or Chicago on a complete whim, or even Toledo in one day just to say hi and get a hug from Dave and Ann (my sudo parents growing up) I need to acknowledge my limits and be honest with myself.

Returning from HHI, we hit the ground running. Ellie and Sarah  were to be at Xavier all week. One for basketball camp one for soccer. Sunday night Sarah woke up with a high fever and horrible headache that sadly lasted through her 10th (!) birthday on Tuesday.  Poor Sarah, she is just a kind and thoughtful girl that just seems to get jipped often. But again, have to feel blessed that not only did Xavier refund our money but also for our friends that happily hauled Ellie back and forth from her camp.  During this week, John and I went to see Dr. M. My next felt better than the week before but still achy. I am cautiously happy to say that our visit was short and sweet! Dr. M really thinks things are moving along well. She can feel a difference in my next and thinks that the pain and aching is/was from me fighting something off (hello germs in our house) or that we are "making the bugger mad." I will take either. She didn't see the need to order scans early so we are staying on track to have scans here on the 18th of August and see her on the 20th. To be honest, while this is probably the best news we have had walking out of IU to date, we were both more humbled than dancing for joy. It's hard not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I must work on this. I must have complete Faith that this is Gods plan.

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*It has taken me three days to write the above post! Ridiculous I know.
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Ahem.... Soon after, Ellie took her turn being sick while I was on my once a year, very fun, extremely therapeutic, full of gut wrenching laughter girls weekend that actually hasn't happened for a few years.

I adore them all so much! Anne...you were fiercely missed.

Again, thank you so much for my prayers and for checking in on me during silence. I will try and post more as we all know I am never at a lack for words!

Cancerversary...

One year give or take a week. One year that at times has flown by at a frighteningly scary speed. One year that at times, could only be taken minute by minute. One year of incredible tears and laughter. One year that has changed my life more than a marriage proposal or any pregnancy test. All because of some stupid ass cells that just won't go away.

I look back at pictures of our impromptu Hilton Head trip and although I love so many of them, I now look at them and think " those people had no idea what was to come." All of it filled with friends, family, laughter, tears, anger and much prayer. Although incredibly overwhelming, the out pouring of love and prayers and gifts and cards and hugs are the things that get our whole family through this journey day by day, minute by minute. We are still so, so grateful and humbled.

I am in a bit of a funk. I don't think the clinical trial is working. I am having increased achy pain at the tumor site near my collarbone. It has only been a little over 2 weeks since I started, but am in a quandary on how long to give it. Since I am having minimal to no side effects, I selfishly don't want to raise the white flag and have to start on another chemo that I can almost guarantee will drop me to my knees with side effects. This balance of time vs cancer meds is frustrating and honestly maddening.

 While again, I refuse to stress out over something I have no control over, I am angry. Angry that my body just can't figure out how to work with the chemo and stop or even slow the cancer. Angry that every twinge I feel, I question what it is or could be. Angry that any answer to these questions will likely result in some sort of scan that will cost thousands. Angry that my body has consumed more drugs in the last year than my entire life and none of them have worked. I am angry that I find myself unable to plan for any time in the future. Talk of a vacation with a group of friends next summer pretty much brought me to tears the other day. Because I am not going to plan/ dream of something like that with my children only to have us all incredibly disappointed. All because of ME mind you. This is also why I am liking the " let's just go right now" theory that is pushing John over the edge. I have many plans for the future but am angry that they all end in well but...

I know this mind set will change. It has to. But I also feel like I have a right to feel it and express it.

Rant over.