For once in my life, I am finding it hard to find words...

As many of you know, me being at a loss for words is very unusual to say the least!

I am just going to jump in- like a Band-Aid being ripped off..

My breast cancer has returned to the lymph nodes in/on my left clavicle. (Collar bone) I have just recently felt a lump/mass after having an achy neck for a couple of days. Fast forward to a CT scan, blood work and an ultrasound and here we are back at square one. I have an appointment with my favorite surgeon on Monday to see if we can do the biopsy in her office or if I will have to go into surgery for the biopsy. 3-5 days afterwards, we should know the type, stage and grade. This will give the oncologist the "plan of attack." I have been told that what ever the outcome, I will most definitely have to again have chemotherapy and will also have radiation. Sigh...

We told the children last night. Although we don't know our exact plan, John and I both felt it was important that they know what we do. Again, we are moving along as a team. One big strong bickering team! :) I am just so mad. I am so angry that I did EVERYTHING I was "supposed" to do. How can this be happening only three months after my last chemo treatment?! WHY in the world am I having to crush my childrens spirits and lives AGAIN!? I let them take one for the team the first time- yes, it will make them stronger and more faithful and understanding in the long run blahblahblah Now? AGAIN? Really?! I am mad... not only did I do everything I was supposed to but THEY ALL did everything that was asked of them. They "bucked up." They worked together. They happily were juggled from -granted- one fun friend to another. They put on brave fronts and prayed for me when I was at my sickest with chemo. And now we all have to repeat the same thing (or more) all over again. It just isn't fair. My children should not again have to have suck a weight on their little shoulders because of their mothers sucky genetics.

I will keep you all updated too. Thank you. All of you- my dear friends and family. You are honestly going to be what gets me through this-again. Your prayers most of all are what I am begging for. Prayers for peace and clarity. Prayers for strength for our family unit- it has taken a blow already and while I can say has made us stronger, it has not been without immense stress and struggle. Prayers for my doctors to have the wisdom to know what needs to be done and when so I can come out of this on top. Prayers for me to again realize that my anger and frustration does not help in any situation but especially this one. I know God will get us through this. I would just like to know why again...

Many hugs!

Kate

We all need brakes...

Hello from Midas! Getting our vans front brakes replaced. Yes, as painful as expected but really? It's a lot like life...it needs to be "done" do it and move forward. Speaking of "breaks/brakes," my recovery is going well except I did get a slight hand slap from my plastic surgeon- I am doing too much and it shows and is slowing my recovery...ahem. Not that this surprised me, but I will admit, seriously bummed me out. I guess I am just hoping to Spring forward! :)

 I am still just so tired! It is really kind of starting to worry me a bit. I have an appointment with Dr. W tomorrow and am planning on bringing it up to him again.

We had two gloriously sunny, warm days and I can't tell you how much just the slight glimpse of Spring has helped everyone in the W familys disposition. Just to be able to have the kids go OUTSIDE and play or to take a walk is fantastic!

Brakes are finished. I promise to check in and update more in a bit!

Not so bad...

There is a t-shirt I see on one of my breast cancer sites that says...
Foobs-(fake boobs) because my real ones tried to kill me...

It makes me laugh every time I see it.

I am feeling such strength from your prayers and well wishes. Thank you- seriously from the bottom of my heart. One of my biggest fears since chemo has been finished is that people will forget that I am still in the middle of this fight and prayers would be forgotten. A good friend wrote me a great reminder... " just because you overcome one hurdle, doesn't mean the prayers stop." I have said this over and over again! Thank you Tracie!

My reconstruction surgery was last Thursday. John and I had to be at B North at 5:30 AM! Everything went very well. Here is what I remember.
Watching USA curling with John while we waited for me to be taken to surgery
One slightly annoying nurse but could have been my nerves
Liking my anesthesiologist solely because I thought he was cute. John disagreed.
Loved hearing so much laughter and comraderie coming from the nurses station outside my door.
Dr. K coming in and marking me with a surgical marker...
When the second surgical assistant came in to introduce herself, I panicked and said to tell Dr. K I wanted to go bigger... Come on people! I am only going through this once! Go big or go home was probably said for this exact surgery first! Teeheehee
Still thinking how weird it is for me to be in a hospital and to not be coming home with a baby.
Laughing that I would be coming home with two "babies" if you know what I mean...
Being rolled down the hallway to surgery and worrying they wouldn't stop so I could get one last kiss from John - they did, but man, they were moving fast!
Never even seeing the surgical suite. Right after my good bye kiss from John, the anesthesiologist gave me something in my IV while going down the hall and it was Cracker Jack lights out for me.
SO happy and very blessed that my good friend Liz was able to be my recovery nurse! I still laugh when I remember her sternly telling me " breathe Kate, breathe. Kate take another breath..."
Strawberry jello and apple juice never tasting so good.

Since coming home Thursday afternoon, I have slept a lot! Thanks to so many friends and family for taking kids etc. my good friend Leisa babysat me on Friday. And John has been running to and from work to games, play dates and practices.
While I am stuffed into a straight jacket like bra, I can already tell things are so much better and less painful with out the tissue expanders.
Haven't had a look at "the girls" at all but again have complete trust in my plastic surgeon.

I am just so happy that yet another step in this crazy journey is behind me.

I also wanted to tell you a great story that happened to me last Wednesday. You know how I love my signs!
Wednesday, I had lunch with my friend Ann and her daughter and Margo. Ann is a newish friend I have met through our kids at St. Gertrude's and to say I adore her is an understatement. Not only does she make me laugh, but has such fantastic insight about life, kids and keeping a close relationship with God, that every time is see her or talk to her, she leaves me with something to think about. During our lunch and talking about my surgery the next day, Ann mentioned how she has a friend that went through breast cancer too and  how she couldn't believe she hadn't hooked the two of us up to chat. Ann said that her friend now had a license plate that says Now DD... I laughed and have now been obsessed with what my license plate should say. :)
Wednesday, after I picked up the kids, we went to Target to finally get valentines for parties for school and other essentials. While we were there, I ran into a mom and her children that we met when Henry and her son played soccer together last Spring. It is one of those we know each other from that and we say hi in passing. They are just a very nice family. We said hi, chatted about upcoming soccer and went our separate ways in search of valentines. Somehow, we also left target at the same time and their van was right across from ours. Can you believe my shock when I saw that her license plate said Now DD?!?!?!  We talked about our connection, exchanged cell phone numbers and promised to meet soon for coffee. She reassured me that my surgery the next day would be fine and that I would feel so much better without the expanders.
 I just love the signs God sends us right when we need them.

Foobs...

Thank you everyone trying to get me "un-stuck." I have amazing friends and family. I will eventually find my "new normal."

 So, in approximately 5hours, I start my reconstruction surgery. Well, I don't, my very competent wonderful plastic surgeon does. Let's just hope they look better than my foob cake my friends got me last weekend while on my scrapbooking weekend!

It was such a wonderful weekend and time spent with such fun friends. 

I have so much more to write but I just have to get some sleep before I have my check in at 5:30! How am I going to get through this without coffee?!

I will check in in a few days. If I can get John to update,I will!! Thank you for your prayers!!

Stuck?

This will need to be a quick post! The children are off school because of the bitter cold. Everyone wants to make Gak. I have been not only trying to figure out writing this but also trying to figure out exactly how I am feeling lately. Stuck is the word that keeps coming up in my mind. Chemo is finished. Reconstruction surgery is coming up in a few weeks. My hair is slowly coming in. My neuropathy in my hands and feet are still there. My energy level is about a 2 out of 10. After last weeks appointment, I am slightly anemic but still around the same level I have been since my first round of chemo. I understand when the doctor said " you just took a beating for 6 months, it will take 4-6 months at least to recover..." But still, I just feel stuck. I'm not necessarily depressed. I can't say I am in fear of what the future holds. But in planning for future events, I just can't stop thinking of the what ifs... So I don't plan...
I didn't realize how much I mentally thought I had "control" over the cancer just because I was physically and actively going through chemo. Now that chemo is finished, I just feel like I have no control and we all know how I like my control! :)  AND even though I keep telling myself I really never had control in the first place... I am trying to figure out how to get un-stuck! I need to find and feel my trust in God like I have since my diagnosis even more so now!

I just added this picture to Facebook. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I took this the day after Christmas (yes, Henry is almost always in shorts) It was very impromptu and since I love taking pictures, something I am known to do. Especially with the kids. After and during this picture and me asking everyone to "get together with Dad for a picture"  every one of the kids asked "why?!" And "what's wrong?!" "What do you have to tell us?!" Every one of them instantly thought we had some bad news to tell them. Some absolutely positive about it, when it was nothing more than I wanted a cute picture. It just about broke my heart and really caught me off guard. I guess we will all be on edge for a while.

Last Chemo, Christmas and Resolutions

Well, clearly one of my resolutions to update and write more has not been a priority! There are so many things I want to write about, that it may take several posts. The week of my last chemo was completely exhausting. I was as sick as I can ever remember. Just down right laid flat. John was out of town for work and it was just a long week of preparing for Christmas, putting out some fires here and there, and the beginning of the kids winter break.

Christmas was just really fun this year. Stressful and exhausting-yes but oh so worth it. I loved how Henry and Margo did most of the tree decorating this year and our tree was very lopsided since the left side had about 5 times more ornaments than any other part of the tree. For the first year, I didn't rearrange a thing. I loved laying on the couch and looking at it and our mantel with the lights, garland and stockings. We went to the 3:00 Mass on Christmas Eve for the first year instead of our usual 5:00 and then straight to Johns parents. I have to say, coming home after a beautiful Mass and wrapping presents to take to the party at Johns parents was one of my best moments. We had 2 hours, the kids were happy playing with presents from Uncle Mark, John and I both had a drink in hand, music was playing...just a nice time. I don't know how many of you know about our elf Jerry but we love him and this being his third year visiting us, he has become a beloved member of our family. We all love to see what mischief Jerry gets into. While Jerry has always left with Santa on Christmas Eve, this year, Jerry was given an extended stay until New Years and a rumor of surprise birthday visits! We were all very excited.

The week of my last chemo, Jerry had to rest and the kids thought it was hilarious that he was wearing a scarf on his head like me.

I wish I could say that even after almost 5 weeks since chemo, I still am just not feeling myself.  My nails are horrible. The headaches are still lingering. And I really could fall asleep any time, any place.    My reconstruction is still scheduled for February 13th and I am really hoping to be feeling better so I can have a speedy recovery!

Again, I have a big list of things I want/need to write about but will say, that I am fearful that since chemo is over, people are under the impression that we don't need the focus of prayers anymore. We DO! I DO! Thanks, they are so appreciated.

This girl...

Hello! I return from being MIA. So much has gone on since thanksgiving. It never seases to amaze me how time really does fly. We had thanksgiving at my SIL house and not to get sappy, I think for me, it was one of the most enjoyable. Nieces and nephews have grown and moved away were back for a visit. College kids were in. My kids were in hog heaven to see them all. There is nothing like a Wordeman party! Yes, I completed and survived Black Friday shopping with my friends Melissa and Colleen! We met at about 6:45 am and finished the evening by meeting our husbands and children for dinner and beers until 11 pm. I was fine until I sat down. :)
Sports have started for the older kids. Ellie, indoor soccer and another round of basketball with John coaching. Sarah, indoor soccer with John coaching, another round of basketball and volleyball at SGS. Henry is starting basketball but has yet to play because of snow days. There is the possibility of another snow day tomorrow and let me tell you, he is going to be madder than a wet cat if it is cancelled again. Let's just say, the kid is a little excited. Yes that is 6 sports for 3 kids and yes, we know we are crazy.

How am I feeling... Chemo #5 was better than the dreaded #4 I am happy to say. Again, not a walk in the park but like I have said, I am bouncing back to some sense of normality, so I shouldn't complain. My new side effects are so annoying my eyes and sometimes nose are CONSTANTLY watering! I am having to clutch at a Kleenex and wipe and dab at my runny eyes every 5 seconds! Drives me nuts! Trying so see anything without being blurred, is next to impossible. I am praying this goes away soon.also, the Doctor said today when I showed him the bruising of my nail beds that I will most likely lose my nails. Ugh... It's just a build up of the chemo toxicity. My biggest change has been bedtime. Like kids are in bed, 30 seconds later, I am in bed. I just hit a wall at night that I never have before. I was the queen of 1,2,3am nights and loved it. It was quiet, I had time for myself to read, scrapbook, putz of the computer. I loved it and right now, there is no way that could be regular routine.

I finished my #6 and LAST round of chemo today! It went very well, had a sweet nurse that was very efficient and got us in and out in record time. I didn't see Dr. W today due to scheduling but learned that the next steps will be a check up and labs in 6 weeks and then every 3 months for two years, then 4 months for 2 years etc. Honestly? On one hand, I am so happy and proud of no only myself but my friends and family who helped us get to this last one, there is no way we could have survived these last 6 months without all of you. Sometimes the blessing come fast and furious. So much so it's kind of like having the wind knocked out of you. Simple things, strangers coming up and understanding what I am up against. Asking my name so they can pray for me. 5,10,20+ year survivors telling me I WILL be ok! Hugs just because. It all sticks with you. Which is all of what is keeping me as sain as possible upon starting this new phase of my journey. It's scary to be finished with the chemo. This is were we will eventually get the answer if it "worked" reminds me of two things. One, like standing at the tippy edge of a high dive looking down into the water knowing you are going to jump. You don't really want to, but also know it will hopefully be a one time shot that you won't have to do again. Two, I correlate finishing chemo with right after you have a baby and on one hand, you are so proud of what you have accomplished in conceiving,growing and delivering this amazing miracle that God has entrusted you with and then you think? Seriously?! They are just letting me leave this hospital WITH him/her!? All by ourselves?! What the...!?!? What do we do now?!

So, here I am on my own (physically) ready to tackle this last round of side effects and yuck with all of the knowledge and grace I have gained through all of this, praying I will never have to do it again.

I also scheduled surgery for my new foobs or freasts (fake boobs or fake breasts). February 13. Onto the new adventure! Christmas is coming! I can't wait to be feeling better and to have some down time with the children. It is needed. I have a new bucket list for the new year that I am working on. It's incredible how this year has changed me I believe for the better. God sure has gotten my attention! :)