Stuck?

This will need to be a quick post! The children are off school because of the bitter cold. Everyone wants to make Gak. I have been not only trying to figure out writing this but also trying to figure out exactly how I am feeling lately. Stuck is the word that keeps coming up in my mind. Chemo is finished. Reconstruction surgery is coming up in a few weeks. My hair is slowly coming in. My neuropathy in my hands and feet are still there. My energy level is about a 2 out of 10. After last weeks appointment, I am slightly anemic but still around the same level I have been since my first round of chemo. I understand when the doctor said " you just took a beating for 6 months, it will take 4-6 months at least to recover..." But still, I just feel stuck. I'm not necessarily depressed. I can't say I am in fear of what the future holds. But in planning for future events, I just can't stop thinking of the what ifs... So I don't plan...
I didn't realize how much I mentally thought I had "control" over the cancer just because I was physically and actively going through chemo. Now that chemo is finished, I just feel like I have no control and we all know how I like my control! :)  AND even though I keep telling myself I really never had control in the first place... I am trying to figure out how to get un-stuck! I need to find and feel my trust in God like I have since my diagnosis even more so now!

I just added this picture to Facebook. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I took this the day after Christmas (yes, Henry is almost always in shorts) It was very impromptu and since I love taking pictures, something I am known to do. Especially with the kids. After and during this picture and me asking everyone to "get together with Dad for a picture"  every one of the kids asked "why?!" And "what's wrong?!" "What do you have to tell us?!" Every one of them instantly thought we had some bad news to tell them. Some absolutely positive about it, when it was nothing more than I wanted a cute picture. It just about broke my heart and really caught me off guard. I guess we will all be on edge for a while.

Last Chemo, Christmas and Resolutions

Well, clearly one of my resolutions to update and write more has not been a priority! There are so many things I want to write about, that it may take several posts. The week of my last chemo was completely exhausting. I was as sick as I can ever remember. Just down right laid flat. John was out of town for work and it was just a long week of preparing for Christmas, putting out some fires here and there, and the beginning of the kids winter break.

Christmas was just really fun this year. Stressful and exhausting-yes but oh so worth it. I loved how Henry and Margo did most of the tree decorating this year and our tree was very lopsided since the left side had about 5 times more ornaments than any other part of the tree. For the first year, I didn't rearrange a thing. I loved laying on the couch and looking at it and our mantel with the lights, garland and stockings. We went to the 3:00 Mass on Christmas Eve for the first year instead of our usual 5:00 and then straight to Johns parents. I have to say, coming home after a beautiful Mass and wrapping presents to take to the party at Johns parents was one of my best moments. We had 2 hours, the kids were happy playing with presents from Uncle Mark, John and I both had a drink in hand, music was playing...just a nice time. I don't know how many of you know about our elf Jerry but we love him and this being his third year visiting us, he has become a beloved member of our family. We all love to see what mischief Jerry gets into. While Jerry has always left with Santa on Christmas Eve, this year, Jerry was given an extended stay until New Years and a rumor of surprise birthday visits! We were all very excited.

The week of my last chemo, Jerry had to rest and the kids thought it was hilarious that he was wearing a scarf on his head like me.

I wish I could say that even after almost 5 weeks since chemo, I still am just not feeling myself.  My nails are horrible. The headaches are still lingering. And I really could fall asleep any time, any place.    My reconstruction is still scheduled for February 13th and I am really hoping to be feeling better so I can have a speedy recovery!

Again, I have a big list of things I want/need to write about but will say, that I am fearful that since chemo is over, people are under the impression that we don't need the focus of prayers anymore. We DO! I DO! Thanks, they are so appreciated.

This girl...

Hello! I return from being MIA. So much has gone on since thanksgiving. It never seases to amaze me how time really does fly. We had thanksgiving at my SIL house and not to get sappy, I think for me, it was one of the most enjoyable. Nieces and nephews have grown and moved away were back for a visit. College kids were in. My kids were in hog heaven to see them all. There is nothing like a Wordeman party! Yes, I completed and survived Black Friday shopping with my friends Melissa and Colleen! We met at about 6:45 am and finished the evening by meeting our husbands and children for dinner and beers until 11 pm. I was fine until I sat down. :)
Sports have started for the older kids. Ellie, indoor soccer and another round of basketball with John coaching. Sarah, indoor soccer with John coaching, another round of basketball and volleyball at SGS. Henry is starting basketball but has yet to play because of snow days. There is the possibility of another snow day tomorrow and let me tell you, he is going to be madder than a wet cat if it is cancelled again. Let's just say, the kid is a little excited. Yes that is 6 sports for 3 kids and yes, we know we are crazy.

How am I feeling... Chemo #5 was better than the dreaded #4 I am happy to say. Again, not a walk in the park but like I have said, I am bouncing back to some sense of normality, so I shouldn't complain. My new side effects are so annoying my eyes and sometimes nose are CONSTANTLY watering! I am having to clutch at a Kleenex and wipe and dab at my runny eyes every 5 seconds! Drives me nuts! Trying so see anything without being blurred, is next to impossible. I am praying this goes away soon.also, the Doctor said today when I showed him the bruising of my nail beds that I will most likely lose my nails. Ugh... It's just a build up of the chemo toxicity. My biggest change has been bedtime. Like kids are in bed, 30 seconds later, I am in bed. I just hit a wall at night that I never have before. I was the queen of 1,2,3am nights and loved it. It was quiet, I had time for myself to read, scrapbook, putz of the computer. I loved it and right now, there is no way that could be regular routine.

I finished my #6 and LAST round of chemo today! It went very well, had a sweet nurse that was very efficient and got us in and out in record time. I didn't see Dr. W today due to scheduling but learned that the next steps will be a check up and labs in 6 weeks and then every 3 months for two years, then 4 months for 2 years etc. Honestly? On one hand, I am so happy and proud of no only myself but my friends and family who helped us get to this last one, there is no way we could have survived these last 6 months without all of you. Sometimes the blessing come fast and furious. So much so it's kind of like having the wind knocked out of you. Simple things, strangers coming up and understanding what I am up against. Asking my name so they can pray for me. 5,10,20+ year survivors telling me I WILL be ok! Hugs just because. It all sticks with you. Which is all of what is keeping me as sain as possible upon starting this new phase of my journey. It's scary to be finished with the chemo. This is were we will eventually get the answer if it "worked" reminds me of two things. One, like standing at the tippy edge of a high dive looking down into the water knowing you are going to jump. You don't really want to, but also know it will hopefully be a one time shot that you won't have to do again. Two, I correlate finishing chemo with right after you have a baby and on one hand, you are so proud of what you have accomplished in conceiving,growing and delivering this amazing miracle that God has entrusted you with and then you think? Seriously?! They are just letting me leave this hospital WITH him/her!? All by ourselves?! What the...!?!? What do we do now?!

So, here I am on my own (physically) ready to tackle this last round of side effects and yuck with all of the knowledge and grace I have gained through all of this, praying I will never have to do it again.

I also scheduled surgery for my new foobs or freasts (fake boobs or fake breasts). February 13. Onto the new adventure! Christmas is coming! I can't wait to be feeling better and to have some down time with the children. It is needed. I have a new bucket list for the new year that I am working on. It's incredible how this year has changed me I believe for the better. God sure has gotten my attention! :)

Thanksgivings new meaning...

I find it a bit humorous that on one hand I definitely have "chemo brain" and am amazed I can find my way to the bathroom, yet so often, my brain is constantly shuffling through the many blessings I/we have been given this year alone. I know how around thanksgiving, people say that we really should dedicate more than one day to be "thankful" for all of our blessings... And I can honestly say not only do I agree, but could not go through a day beating cancer without my constantly changing, running list of things, people, strangers, friends, family, saying, humor, websites, children etc. that I am SO very thankful for. Besides prayer, it is the top "thing" that keeps me grounded and positive. I have said and truly believe, the blessings bestowed upon our family FAR outweigh having to fight cancer.
Chemo #5 has been tenfold better than #4- I am happy to say. No walk in the park, mind you but tolerable. We had a later appointment time last Friday and didn't leave until almost dark. It really threw my timing. I had such horrible restless legs this time that they gave me 2 doses of Ativan. Which also helped calm my nerves which were sky high. Yet again, Melissa and Bill took the kids and have them again as of last night. Just no words for their friendship and love. No words worthy for what they have done for us. I am in tears just typing. How do you ever repay or even thank friends that love and care for your children completely like they are their own (even though Margo gets away with murder there) when you can't? Not just once, but for MONTHS now. Yesterday, when we decided that yet again, Melissa would pick the kids up from school and take them for the night so I could really rest for thanksgiving and Black Friday (my favorite day of the year with Melissa) I was just so deeply sad. Sad that I haven't seen the kids really since last Thursday. They were gone for the weekend and then had school. I hate that I feel like I can't contribute to their care but at the same time, am SO thankful for those that are caring for them. It will get better! My last chemo is scheduled for December, Friday the 13th... As many of you know, I am a numbers girl and find this date SO fitting for my last chemo.
Last Monday was a busy day. What should have been my roughest day, turned out to be better than I could have imagined. My friend/ sister Jil flew in from Wisconsin for Thanksgiving with her Dad/ my adoptive dad... We don't have time to go into all of that. :) and drove from Columbus for the night to visit. AND the stars lined up perfectly that other friends and I were supposed to go to The Pioneer Woman book signing that night so Jil could go too! We both love PW and feel that we should totally be invited to The Ranch. My heart was filled with such happiness to be able to go and be with 3 of my closest friends and actually enjoy a night out so close to having chemo.

I wish you all the happiest of Thanksgivings. Make your list of "thankfuls "and try to add to it daily. I promise you will be amazed how filled your heart will become.

Smooches, Kate 

Oh that power of prayer is amazing

Quick post as I am supposed to be getting ready for chemo #5 today. I will not lie, this is the first time I am nervous/scared. That last round was absolutely brutal and I am prepared to as Dr. W to throw every drug at me to help with the side effects. I am feeling pressure of many commitments next week that I SO want to be able to attend.

I can not express my gratitude for the prayers for our family and especially Henry. Since my last post, his attitude has been tenfold better and at least manageable! We went to see a specialist last night that helped Sarah at the beginning of this year and it was heartbreaking yet wonderful to see him interact with her. She is just a very special soul and just amazing at her job! He absolutely adored her. It broke my heart to hear him actually say that he is scared out loud because he doesn't want me to be sick, and that he thinks about it all the time and at school but at least he talked about it. I know we have a way to go but just putting a step forward in a positive way to help with the sadness and anger is huge. Thanks again! I don't know what John and I would do without this huge village supporting us! We are beyond thankful for all of you!

Forgetting how to parent...

Sorry for the lack of updates! It's good to be busy, but the result is my bedtime is usually about 30 seconds after the kids are tucked in.  I feel like our family life has been going like this... When it's good, it's really really good. But when it's bad, it's horrible. This is going to be an honest post that I just want documented not only for other mothers going through the same thing with littles but also so I can come back in months? Years? And remember that we survived.
I feel like I have forgotten how to actually parent. On one hand, I do feel guilty that the kids lives and schedules have been disrupted and their knowledge of sickness and cancer have increased tenfold. On the other, constant discipline that is needed at  this time is absolutely and completely exhausting. And I feel like I am losing the battle so to speak. It's mainly little things that are adding up. Talking back, bickering, kids constantly "poking the bear" as we like to call it. The older girls have taken on the unnecessary role of  mini-parenting Henry. As you can imagine, it bothers him and me! It is not necessary for them to know what color he got at school or did he eat all of his lunch or what homework he has.
Henry... He just needs some major prayers. He is having a very rough go at life right now- much to his own stubbornness. He is just angry. Mostly at me. The disrespectfullness and back talk and rudeness and stubbornness is at an all time high. I am fully aware that behind the anger is fear. Cancer sucks for everyone living it- not just for the person that has cancer. I am exhausted with fighting with him. I am sad that it is constant. I am sad that I have "caused" the extent of some or most of his anger. He has always been very successful at pushing my buttons, but he has promoted himself to CEO. He is going to start seeing someone to talk to and I just hope he can find an outlet other than his mother and family! Basketball should be starting for him soon also...
With all of this going on, I HAVE to put aside the guilt and stay strong on the discipline front. Plain and simple- we can't go for ice cream for everyone after only 1/2 have behaved.  I need to be able to step outside of  the cancer and stick to my guns.  Ugh... Exhausting.

Chemo #5 is this Friday. I am really trying to be "Polly positive" really, I am. BUT man that last one did me in. I was just so sick and down for such a longer amount of time than with the others. Please pray this one goes better! I have thanksgiving and Black Friday to attend!

There have been blessings the last couple of weeks- I promise. Cards when I really needed them. Pretty fall trees and big,fun tailgate party.  Margo's 4th birthday! Watching my children help each other. Even though it has been rougher than normal with them, just getting a glimpse of them peacefully sleeping or having fun, makes my heart hurt with my love for them.

Head thump...

I have been meaning to follow up from my last post but I have seriously been completely and utterly down and out until yesterday. Finally yesterday, I could function. Thinking ahead, I have been stressing about #5. Time wise, it would put me at feeling a bit better on Thanksgiving- IF I respond the same for the same amount of time. Then, I remember what happened after I wrote my last post. I felt so horrible and decided to read my Jesus Calling book. (Which I love beyond words!) This is what I read right after I posted...

What a wonderful reminder that I am NOT in charge here! God knows his plan for me and stressing about it only hurts myself and is really just a plain waste of energy. While I am typing this, I am also reminded of a talk with Fr. AJ after I was diagnosed and him telling me pretty much the exact same thing. While I am only human and am going to worry and am going stress about this roller coaster adventure I am on, reminders like the above are invaluable! 

I am thankful for being able to see and appreciate the signs all around.